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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be livid with DH?

18 replies

IWantAnotherBaby · 07/07/2011 10:17

Fully prepared to be told IABU. A few days ago I was standing in the kitchen while DS was doing some maths homework, DD was happily drawing and DH was standing around drinking tea (as was I). DS starting asking re his homework and I was helping. DH began taking over me giving DS advice. I waited until he had finished and then carried on with what I was saying. DH then flew out of the room, arms waving; I assumed he'd suddenly remembered something important (like something he'd forgottn to record on TV, I mean, not something life-shattering) so thought nothing of it. But then he was all tight-lipped with me and it turns out he was flouncing off because of the look on my face which he apparently interpreted as being pissed off with him for interfering with DS's homework! Cue silent treatment from him for the rest of the day!

So then this morning, while DCs and I were having breakfast, he started shouting at DS for not eating fast enough and chatting (both DCs are infuriatingly slow in the mornings with getting dressed, eating breakfast etc... and need to be reminded several times what they need to be doing; they are 3 and 7). Then before DS had a chance to even finish his mouthful DH started having a go at him again. I intervened trying to explain that DS hadn't yet had a chance to do what DH had told him mere seconds before, and DH responded by again flouncing off. Then he returned and started yelling at me in front of DCs, about 'always' undermining him in front of them when he is disciplining them (this is not true; I hate the way he shouts at them over almost nothing but I try very hard not to intervene until it is unbearable). Since he wouldn't listen to a word I said but just kept yelling, slamming cupboards etc, I gave up trying to talk to him, finished getting them ready for school and left the house with them.

Now I think he is a complete arse, and frankly a horrible father. I am furious with him for his childish wanky behaviour and I'm shaking with anger as I think about it. It has affected my whole morning so far, and really upset the DCs, although we had a lovely drive to school & nursery and I made light of the whole thing with them, so hopefully they're OK.

I feel like I really hate him right now. I think I will be very polite and civil with him this evening, but step away if he makes any attempt at physical contact and icily express my contempt without saying anything at all that he could then twist and use against me. Am I over-reacting? And WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

IWantAnotherBaby · 07/07/2011 10:17

Wow! Sorry it's so long and rambly

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 07/07/2011 10:21

He sounds nasty. Is it happening a lot?

SquidgyBiscuits · 07/07/2011 10:24

YANBU - he sounds like a prize tosser.

I won't have anybody raise their voice to me. It just isn't on, and shows a massive lack of respect. Is he jealous of the children?

buzzsore · 07/07/2011 10:25

I don't think rejecting him and being the ice maiden is the way to deal with it - you need to have a calm talk about your parenting methods together. If you can't sit down and talk these things through, you may have deeper problems.

The bit about the homework sounds like your dh was genuinely trying to help and contribute and you just disregarded his efforts. No excuse for the shouting or flouncing, of course, but it may have felt like you didn't value his help.

fuzzpig · 07/07/2011 10:25

YANBU :(

fanjobanjowanjo · 07/07/2011 10:25

I feel like I really hate him right now. I think I will be very polite and civil with him this evening, but step away if he makes any attempt at physical contact and icily express my contempt without saying anything at all that he could then twist and use against me. Am I over-reacting? And WWYD?

This is childish. You need to communicate properly between yourselves, and have a proper calm conversation about it. Maybe to him you ARE undermining him, have a chat when you are both calm to find out why and find a way to work as a team. Ignoring him is ridiculous and gets you nowhere.

nickschick · 07/07/2011 10:26

It doesnt sound very nice at all.

Is he always like this,was his own father a shouty man?
Is he under stress at work? .

You have to stop this,before your children realise what is happening My ds has a friend who simply doesnt do homework at home,he will go anywhere to study to avoid his Dads interference and shouting.

bagpusss · 07/07/2011 10:34

Tensions aplenty. He behaved badly - there must be some underlying reasons. Has he forgotten that they're children?

EndangeredSpecies · 07/07/2011 10:44

You are not overreacting. Especially about the hurrying-them-up shouting-type behaviour. My DH does this and I respond by taking the piss massively. e.g if he's having a cup of tea I stand there tapping foot and going "come on come on how long does it take to have a cup of tea" etc. etc. until he gets the picture. It works.

oohjarWhatsit · 07/07/2011 10:48

you need to talk

i wouldnt like it if my husband was continually moaning at the kids, let alone shouting at them, its not necessary.

talk to him and discuss what you feel about it, and let him say what he feels - then

leave the bastard

fanjobanjowanjo · 07/07/2011 10:51

What is with the man bashing? It sounds to me like you did undermine him a bit, however, it doesn't justify the flouncey rubbish and taking it out on the kids in the shouty way.

You need to communciate the two of you are at fault here not just him.

Original poster

IWantAnotherBaby · 07/07/2011 11:00

Thanks everyone for letting me vent.

Ilovetiffany right now I feel he is a total tosser, but really he's just never learned the patience required around young children and shouts over practically nothing. Deep down he's not really nasty, just unable to manage his temper

squidgybiscuits I think you're right; I think he is jealous of the children. I've never thought of that before but he does frequently compete with them for my attention (it's like having another toddler sometimes). I work long hours, and do everything for the children and round the house so I'm often too tired to give him much attention. good point...

buzzsore yes, fair enough, we do need to sit down and talk about it. trouble is he usually refuses, and right now I feel too angry. This is always our problem; we don't talk about things, they get brushed under the carpet, he thinks it's all blown over and I am left seething and resentful. Yeah, ice maiden may not be the best idea, but he might at least get the message that I'm mightily pissed off and not just going to let it go this time...

fanjo you're right, it is childish. but I want HIM to come to ME this time, and not just assume he's won the argument, had his tantrum and everything's now rosy. I could treat him like a distant acquaintance who happens to be staying in my house for weeks if necessary.

nickschick yes his childhood memories are of a very shouty father, and yes he is always like this although it very rarely escalates into this kind of full-blown tantrum mode. The children get very clingy on evenings when I work and he looks after them, because he loses patience very easily, and they e.g. never dare wake him in the mornings and always come to me because he is so bad tempered

bagpusss frankly I'm beginning to think he resents the children, the fact that I earn more than 3 times his salary, and the fact that I'm so tired all the time that sex is the last thing on my mind, and my absolute bottom priority. Perhaps I need to reevaluate this whole thing. Right now, as angry as I feel, I just never want to see him again.

Sigh

OP posts:

CareyHunt · 07/07/2011 11:01

You are not over-reacting. I know it's a cardinal sin, but I 'undermine' my husband in front of the children all the time. I pull him up if he's arsey with them for no reason, and I say things to him like 'It works better if you ask them like this...'.

I feel that, as the primary carer, I am the expert in this field, and as such it is appropriate for me to advise my husband. I have more experience than him in looking after the children, so I have learned techniques which he doesn't have time to learn.

However, I don't think ignoring him is the right approach. Could you sit down together, away from the children, and have a discussion about a joint parenting strategy? He may be more receptive if you put it like that, and it gives you an opportunity to discuss in advance what each of you thinks is an acceptable approach. Then, if he fucks it up doesn't stick to what you have said, you can legitimately pull him up.

You can make it very clear that it is unacceptable to shout at them, and suggest that, if he is losing his rag, he should leave the room until he feels calmer. He may feel more able to do that if he feels that you have agreed a strategy in advance.

CareyHunt · 07/07/2011 11:03

ooops, x-post

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now I'm more inclined to think he's just being a twunt.

It seems that there is a lot more going on than just this issue Op?

feckwit · 07/07/2011 11:07

I think you both sound like pretty normal stressed parents.

In the first instance, he tried to help. OK he may have interrupted and been a bit too hasty to get involved, but it was no big deal. He should not have flounced, you should not even give it a second thought.

This morning just sounds like normal morning cahos. Some people are more "shouty" than others. He sounds like he was frustrated that your son was taking his time, was that justifiable? Maybe, only you can answer that. I know, for example, that one of our children piddles about every morning so I am far more likely to get cross with him on teh basisi that he has been told time and time again.

I don't think any parent should ever undermine another in front of their children unless the children are in danger though - so you were wrong to hold him to account with the children present.

You need to sit down, talk it through and chalk it up to experience.

DuelingFanjo · 07/07/2011 11:08

rather than ignore him or wait for him to come to you couldn't you wait until the kids are in bed and then sit down with him and explain to him how you feel. Sort've take charge if that's possible? Or will he just flounce again?

If it were me I would start by explaining that you never intend to undermine him and you are sorry if it feels like you are but this needs to be talked about and sorted out because you and the kids are not happy living with his flapping and stressing.

fanjobanjowanjo · 07/07/2011 11:30

EXACTLY dueling

Callisto · 07/07/2011 11:46

He sounds like hell to me, and not at all a normal parent. I think that the fact that your children are 'more clingy' with you when you're not going to be around to defend them and that they don't dare wake their own father in the morning speaks volumes.

Personally, I would be talking to him about ultimatums this evening, ie 'If you don't grow up and treat your children with patience and kindness AND do more to help around the house I will be lbooting you out'. It sounds like you would be far better off without him.

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