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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell DH that I dont want BIL to stay this weekend

27 replies

MassagesDeclinedByNetmums · 05/07/2011 22:47

BIL moved away to live with FIL and his new wife back last year. He is going into the army and wanted work to tide him over until he starts. He did have a job locally btw, which confuses me? His DS (2) lives with his mum about 5 mins walk from me. He has only been down to visit maybe 5 times since he moved (before christmas) and his ex has told him that unless he visits more often he isnt allowed to have his DS overnight, which he agreed to. However I now think that he agreed thinking he can basically live here whenever hes visiting...

The last two times he visited he stayed here. Once for nearly a week, and once for a weekend, with about a month in between (and the last time was about a month ago). He is a bit of a nightmare guest, for instance last time he went out with his friends and got back at about 4am (DH was working nights at the time, and did tell him that he was taking the piss), and he also is very obvious about the fact he is cheating on his girlfriend while hes here. Apart from that, he has the hygiene and cleanliness of a teenager! And he sleeps with the TV on!!

But thats not the problem. The problem is, this isnt his home. He needs to make some proper arrangements to see his son, not doss on my living room floor with him. And I dont mind him staying here sometimes, after all DH doesnt see him much any more, but I cant help but feel that three times in a row is taking the piss a little. DH thinks I'm being overly harsh and says he'd like him to stay again. I've told him that if he wont tell him no, I will, and I wont be so nice about it. But AIBU?
For now, DH has told him that we're out Saturday night so can he see if he can stay somewhere else. AI also BU to want DH to be a little more honest? I dont care if he blames me for it, I dont mind being the evil one if someone has to be!!

OP posts:
HelloKlitty · 05/07/2011 23:01

I think YABU. The BIL sounds a right pain but it's family..and ultimately the little boy will not see his Dad...you could try to suport BIL but make ground rules...and insist thestays are regular and only 2 nights at a time....

Bogeyface · 05/07/2011 23:07

If it werent for the child involved I would say that YANBU. However, as it is unlikely he wont see his child if he doesnt stay with you (which makes him a shit father but is a whole other thread I guess) then I would insist on some ground rules.

Yes he can stay but only for 2 nights once a fortnight (say) and he must treat the place with respect, turn the TV off, wash regularly etc. If it is spelt out that this is how it must be and he doesnt stick to it THEN say that he cant stay anymore. You will be the bigger person because you have given him a chance and he blew it.

Bogeyface · 05/07/2011 23:08

Sorry, that should have read it is unlikely that he WILL see his child

or

it is likely that he WONT

take you pick :)

DogsBestFriend · 05/07/2011 23:08

I don't blame you for not wanting someone in the midst of your normal family group, I find guests of that kind a bloody PITA. But I do think that you're looking for reason to dislike BIL. Sleeping with the TV on is hardly a crime, is it? And his personal life/who he's dating/cheating on is really nothing to do with anyone else. So he is obvious about it... and? His life, he's an adult, regardless of your personal views on his infidelity.

Perhaps agree to the visit this time but with "ground rules" and make it clear that it's not to be a frequent arrangement although he's welcome to visit your DH for social reasons.

HelloKlitty · 05/07/2011 23:12

Well can you invite the little boy over to yours? That's what I would do.

griphook · 05/07/2011 23:14

depends how long it goes on for, My Bil is a selfish arse and comes to our house every other weekend to see his kids. He had an affair and had to go and live with his mum about 100 miles away so every other saturday he comes down gets his kids and comes round to our house. He then takes them home comes back to ours sleeps on the sofa, and goes home sunday lunch time. He is a selfish cunt, as he should of thought about these sorts of things before he had an affair. He doesn't work so are far as he is concerned every day is a weekend where as we work so weekends are important. Also eats meal with us, but makes no contibrution at all or every even bothers to offer. TBH i'd stop it now and be clear about how often you are happy to have him round.

Original poster
MassagesDeclinedByNetmums · 05/07/2011 23:16

Re "he wont see his child", we arent the only family he has in the area, his mum lives here as well as both of his nans (one who he used to live with). And his mum loves to see her grandson (she sees him every week without fail)!

I know it doesnt look like it, but I do like him, he is a nice person. The infidelity bothers me because I may have to spend time with his girlfriend in the future. I've been cheated on, and I'd hate it not being my business to tell her...

OP posts:
griphook · 05/07/2011 23:17

also you are not responsible to enable him to see his child, when he moved what did he think was going to happen, what plans did he make? or does he just not give a shit and can only think of his own happiness. just be clear on how oftne is ok with you all

Original poster
MassagesDeclinedByNetmums · 05/07/2011 23:20

PS, re not seeing his son again - surely he doesnt have to have him overnight if he doesnt have a proper place to stay? (and even if i let him, I dont class my living room as a proper place to stay!) he could stay at a friends and have his son all day then get drunk all night

OP posts:
comedycentral · 05/07/2011 23:23

YANBU!

needanewname · 05/07/2011 23:25

YANBU

moshchops · 05/07/2011 23:48

YANBU

Bogeyface · 05/07/2011 23:59

I take it back. If he has other options then YANBU at all. Sorry, I didnt realise that he could go to other places rather than yours. He sounds like a selfish scrounger tbh

HerHissyness · 06/07/2011 00:17

YANBU - you are not responsible for finding him a place to stay, his son, life, girlfriend, OW are HIS responsibilities.

If he were an easy guest, great, but he's not. Enough. Stand firm.

Original poster
MassagesDeclinedByNetmums · 06/07/2011 08:07

Phew, I can stand my ground with DH without worrying now that I'm just a bitch Grin

OP posts:
Sewmuchtodo · 06/07/2011 08:18

Speak up now! He choose to move so far away, he has other options and he could arrange to collect son and take him to 'his' home for a weekend or school break instead of using you as a small free hotel!

Do you have children?

Original poster
MassagesDeclinedByNetmums · 06/07/2011 08:35

Yes I have the one DS (9m)

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 06/07/2011 08:43

YANBU you have a baby ffs!! Tell you dp (who I think IS being U) to go see his DB when he gets time off. Or he can see him when DB stays at his mothers?

Sewmuchtodo · 06/07/2011 09:09

Definately speak up now........if not for you for your DS who needs family time at the weekend, not this.

As I said, he is an adult who made these desicions!

Original poster
MassagesDeclinedByNetmums · 06/07/2011 09:14

Sew I have already spoken up (to DH, its his responsibility to tell BIL), I'm definitely not shy about it, I just wanted to check I'm not just being nasty to him for no reason.
So what do you think about thinking DH should tell BIL that hes taking the piss, rather than we're "busy" (we're not). I don't think that lying is really going to solve anything and he's just going to assume he can stay next time if it isnt clearly spelt out to him...?

OP posts:
Sewmuchtodo · 06/07/2011 11:50

I think he should tell BIL straight. I would suggest that he explains you have a young son and family time is essential at the weekends as you both work during the week. You don't come in at 4am and disturb your DS so there is no way your BIL should be disrupting your family in this way too.

As he is your DH's brother I would say it has been great to see you and if your at mum's we will definately pop round but we need time as a family unit......JUST THE THREE OF US!!!

needanewname · 06/07/2011 13:06

I agree that honesty is better. Let him know that it's not convenient anymore but you look forward to seeing whilst he is around. You can also still invite him over for dinner and bbqs etc

DontGoCurly · 06/07/2011 17:24

However I now think that he agreed thinking he can basically live here whenever hes visiting...

Well that's his tough shit! He shouldn't have been so presumptous.

Yadnbu. Say no and tell him why. He sounds like a right freeloader.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 06/07/2011 17:37

If he has a child with his girlfriend and is still in a relationship with her why does he not stay there?

If their relationship has moved on and they are no longer "an item" then you need to move on too, rather than worrying about him sleeping around if he's doing it just tell him you're not going to lie for him. (I wouldn't go out of my way to tell her btw she proably knows already!).

I think a list of rules would be the way to go this time...

Original poster
MassagesDeclinedByNetmums · 06/07/2011 18:34

Nooo Doris, sorry, I can see why you'd get confised though!
He is no longer with the mother of his child (hence why he doesnt stay with her). He has a girlfriend where he is currently living, but cheats on her with other girl(s?) here Grin

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