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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed basically

22 replies

BimboNo5 · 03/07/2011 18:26

I work full time, long shifts maybe 3 times a week but still 37.5 hours a week. I tend to do one shift of a weekend and on the other 'D'H tends to play golf, everytime. This means we have NO days together as a family, and to be fair im sick of being the only parent who ever takes the kids on days out when we go out and see mums and dads having a good time with their kids. Yes DH needs some leisure time as he also works all week but it drives me mad he is never there when I take the kids for picnics/theme parks etc. Like today ive done my cleaning job for a relative I do every week (took the kids) then we went to the park and lido then I took them for a meal in a restaurant for a treat. I had no idea DH was going to be out so long playing golf and ive just called to see where he is and he said he's an hour away. So today I will have dressed the kids, fed them three meals and now be expected to bath them and sort their stuff out for school, all whilst trying to unwind for work tommorow myself.
I dont want to stop DH having his fun but I just get so fed up that he never wants us all to go out and have time as a family unit. Is there any comprimise here or not?

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 03/07/2011 18:28

Every other week he gets his choice and you get yours.

fuzzpig · 03/07/2011 18:30

That's ridiculous, you're doing a ft job and doing all the childcare? I'd be fuming.

Have you overtly told him how bad this is?

skybluepearl · 03/07/2011 18:32

can you take turns to have a day off at the weekend. Plus both do half a day chores and half a day family activity each weekend. He is taking the micky

fedupofnamechanging · 03/07/2011 18:32

So basically you have a full time job and do everything for the kids and he has a full time job and days off. You need to have a proper conversation about what you want and expect from him.

HelloKlitty · 03/07/2011 18:33

Does he go both Sunday and Saturday? That's totally out f order. You need to put yr foot down. He could go every other week on one day....then you get the day after that to yourself...then the weekend after that is when you work and the weekend after that is family weekend.....and then you begin again.

skybluepearl · 03/07/2011 18:34

can you tell him everything should be shared equally at the weekend. equal time off, equal time doing jobs, equal time together as a family.

skybluepearl · 03/07/2011 18:35

he sounds very selfish and lazy by the way. maybe he could read this post.

Original poster
BimboNo5 · 03/07/2011 18:38

Thanks, its exactly what I think but he seems to believe its fine for him to do this. Will have a chat.

OP posts:
fgaaagh · 03/07/2011 18:41

Perhaps you should try keeping a diary for a month.

Place it into something similar to skybluepearl's categories.

One colour for when you're both working or commuting to work. Another colour for family time. Another color for family chores (e.g. housework, babysitting, taking them to appointments).

The final colour should be his time, just for him. And then mark up your own leisure time, just for you.

If he's being such a selfish "weekend dad" (i.e. the good parts, none of the crap parts) a short sharp shock might suffice.

Then you need to ask him if he agrees you should roughly have the same leisure time. If he agrees, excellent - you just need to come up with ways using the week chart where you re-jig stuff. Be that you taking your Saturday afternoon of leisure time whilst the next week it's his, in turns.

But if he basically sees the inequality on front of his own eyes, and doesn't agree that you should sit down there and then to re-jig the normal week's schedule, you'll know you've got a DH who not only realises there's little leisure time for you, but who is also happy to let things continue that way. And you've got bigger things to worry about than the minute details (e.g. that he's off to golf again).

PrincessJenga · 03/07/2011 18:50

Wait a minute... I'm confused. Do you work one day out of each weekend? On that day does 'D'H look after the kids while you're at work? If so, you might be being a teeeeny bit unreasonable as surely he deserves some time off at the weekend too?

Could you compromise so that you both get some time off but that you get to spend some time together as well? E.g.on the morning you're not working you get up and get breakfasts, do chores etc, while he goes for a short (9 holes max!) game of golf, you all spend the middle of the day together (park, lido etc) and then in the evening he does tea & bathtime while you have 'your' time (go to the gym / see a friend / hide out in your room with MN a book)?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 03/07/2011 18:50

There's plenty of room for compromise, but your dh needs to be willing to forego some of his solitary pleasures in order to participate more fully in his family life.

I guess that some golfing 'widows' are only too happy to see the back of their dhs/dps and it could be that their dcs are grown, but this is not the case for your dh and of course he should spent quality time with his dcs at weekends.

Does your dh pull his weight domestically when he is around, and does he make time for his dcs on weeknights?

Do you spend holidays together or take off for the occasional weekend away with the dcs?

Original poster
BimboNo5 · 03/07/2011 18:52

Of course he deserves some time 'off' but by having time off on the day im off work the kids never get a day with their mum and dad together.

OP posts:
myBOYSareBONKERS · 03/07/2011 18:53

I have interpreted your post like this:

If you do long days then you have days to yourself during the week when the children are in school.

He has the children the day you are working.

He then has his "day off" on the Sunday.

Forgive me if I have got it wrong.

BUT that doesnt excuse not having family time all together. Could you work during the week instead of the Saturday?

Original poster
BimboNo5 · 03/07/2011 18:54

I work in a hospital, I am required to work a certain amount of weekend days.

OP posts:
Original poster
BimboNo5 · 03/07/2011 18:54

As ive tried to explain to him though he has his 'day off' to play golf, my 'day off' at the weekend is either classed as going to work or looking after the kids.

OP posts:
PrincessJenga · 03/07/2011 18:56

PS - I should point out that I don't have children yet so I have no idea about the best way to split the responsibility, but we're expecting our first any day now so I've been fascinated by these kinds of threads to see how it works for other people. FWIW, I know that if my DP doesn't get a few gym sessions and at least one round of golf in a week he is a nightmare to live with so I'll be encouraging him to keep that up. As soon as I'm able to express and leave some feeding to him I'll be insisting on the same amount of free time though (even if I just use it to stare at the ceiling or catch up on sleep!) so may be using fgaaagh's calendar idea Smile

PrincessJenga · 03/07/2011 18:59

X-posts.

I'm not suggesting he gets the whole day off! No, I agree that's totally selfish. But when can he play golf (again, note I said short games) or have 'his' time other than on that one weekend day? Could he go one evening? If so, there's another idea. Otherwise, splitting the weekend day seems reasonable to me.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 03/07/2011 19:41

could you work alternate Saturdays? and have one as your family day

myBOYSareBONKERS · 03/07/2011 19:44

As ive tried to explain to him though he has his 'day off' to play golf, my 'day off' at the weekend is either classed as going to work or looking after the kids.

but you have "days off" during the week - he doesn't.

However you should still have family time

redskyatnight · 03/07/2011 19:50

I was confused from your post as to whether your annoyance was that you never had any time as a family or because you felt DH didn't pull his weight with the childcare.

I accept that if you work one day of the w/e and DH plays golf the other then you don't get any time at weekends - but do you do other family things during the week? Family time doesn't have to be all about days out together.

In terms of pulling his weight - who looks after the children when you work at the weekend? Or into the evenings when you are working late? Is this DH? How much time do you get off to your self? If your DC are school age, you should have some time to yourself during the week.

LauLauLemon · 03/07/2011 19:57

While I agree that you should have family time, DH needs his time off. He looks after the children the weekend days you work and you get days off.

If you propose family time on his days off, when will he get his leisure time or is he expected to give up his leisure time to suit what you want?

terby · 03/07/2011 20:56

Of course a compromise has to be reached. He cant be away playing golf ALL day long, can he? And I agree that he should try to curb the golf. Maybe once every two weeks on a sunday. Maybe fit it in on the long summer evenings when the kids are in bed?

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