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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To being unable to forgive, forget and move on?

21 replies

jubblicious · 02/07/2011 20:04

My DH and I are having the same recurring argument. He think I should be able to move past things and he doesn't understand how hurt I still am.

I haven't really had a great relationship with my SIL. We all used to live together, his parents, brother and wife.

My SIL would do many petty things to show me up, so I wouldn't look like the 'good, domesticated DIL', as a result we never got on.

I became pregnant with my first baby and she with her second at the same time. She had gone to stay with her parents for the weekend. That night hell broke lose in the house and MIL, FIL and BIL complained about my laziness, how my DH never sees all the things I do and he should 'sort me out!'

We left for a hotel that evening. We tried to make it work and went back. But it didn't. We moved out while I was bleeding.

So to cut a long story short, my Pregnancy wasn't a happy one and the relationship between the four of us disintegrated.

We had the babies and now we've moved. I'm so much happier for it. While I was living with them I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue and depression, but that's all under control now.

They have decided that they think it's time for us to start getting, but I just can't forget and move on. My husband think I'm being unreasonable. I don't know anymore

OP posts:

nethunsreject · 02/07/2011 20:09

I totally understand how you are feeling.

If they make amends, then yes, it would be good to move on. But you need to discuss the blow out before moving on. If they are not willing to accept that you were very hurt, then I think you are completely justified in feeling this way.

bushymcbush · 02/07/2011 20:11

It's hard to tell from your post whether you're being unreasonable or not, because we don't know exactly what they did or said to hurt you so much.

But I would say that with the benefit of time and distance (ie not living with them any more) it may be possible to repair your relationship with your ILs.

They have offered an olive branch. You no longer have to try to live up to their expectations as a housemate.

From the scant info we've been given in your OP, I'd say give it a try. Your DH deserves a relationship with his family if he wants it.

AgentZigzag · 02/07/2011 20:13

It's difficult though when they've shown their true colours and you don't like what you see.

I see it as less holding a grudge and more not wanting to spend time with someone who's a twat.

They seem to have forgotten your DH is an adult and can make his own decisions, have they 'babied' him in the past and don't like you intruding?

What about if you gave it a very arms length go at some contact with them?

Living with so many adults under one roof is a recipe for disaster, could it be possible that under different circumstances (ie where you can escape home) they might be less intense?

I can imagine it's hard for your DH in the middle though.

bubblesincoffee · 02/07/2011 20:14

Maybe for the sake of your dc and your dh, you should try building bridges. It might also help your own sanity.

But you can forgive without forgetting and vice versa. As long as you and your dh know how you feel really, you may be able to make it work.

CrapBag · 02/07/2011 20:23

As someone else said, it depends on the things they have done but if you feel that it is bad enough for you not to want to just forgive and forget then YANBU.

My cousin and I had a massive falling out over the most ridiculous thing years ago, due to her lies. It caused a massive rift in the family and my aunt wouldn't even acknowledge my presence for years. I will never forgive my cousin for it. There are some things that you just can't get past. Ask you DH how he would feel if it was your family and whatever they done was aimed at him.

Lonnie · 02/07/2011 20:25

what does building bridges mean? Are they looking to go on holidays together and retirement annexes ? or are they wishing to have something to do with their grandchild and the occational get together?

If the last one then try it a few times you do not have to be their best friend simply be polite. Perhaps keep the first get togethers in your home or somewhere neutrual?

Original poster

jubblicious · 02/07/2011 20:44

I do talk to my MIL and FIL and for my husband have forged a relationship with them.

But my BIL and SiL I can't forgive.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 02/07/2011 20:45

What specifically is it that you can't get round with your BIL and SIL?

Original poster

jubblicious · 11/07/2011 06:09

Sorry things have been slightly crazy since my last post! I'm pregnant again!!

So it's a long story so I apologize in advance and I'll try to keep it a little short.

When I first got married I lived with my in laws. My SIL had been married for three years and had a two year old DD.

My SIL and mine relationship went sour in the first few months. I started working and left at 7.30am and would get back at around 8pm. And as a result started to do less housework. This annoyed her to no end. I would clear up and chop salad or help serve dinner. But I couldn't really do anything else, except on the weekends.

Now she didn't work so I thought this was fair. Her DH made more than my DH and my pay combined, but we contributed the most to household bills and mortgage repayments. They only paid the sky bill!

So when things got worse, I started to make dinner when I got home. So on a Monday, I would cook three dished for the next three nights. So that day I would sleep at12/1am.

Ge hated me sleeping in on weekends past 9am. And if I did would make her annoyance known.

It became petty and I just couldn't be bothered to play games. So we spent the next year just not talking apart from hello and bye.

When we tried to resolve our differences I said things had really affected me. I had been diagnosed with chronic fatigue and depression as a result of the problems in the house. Her answer was so what?!

After I had DS, she would tell everyone how she was trying to make amends with me, but then would never talk to me. She would only talk to me through DH or my mum.

It was so petty, but things like snatching papers out of my hand or standing in the doorway so I would have to walk around her, I just can't be bothered with someone like that.

OP posts:

sunnydelight · 11/07/2011 06:35

Do you really need these people in your life? I know a lot of people will come on and talk about the importance of "family" but really, lots of people live very happily without close family ties, kids grow up happily without extended family around and for every happy family I read about on MN, there seems to be an equally unhappy or disfunctional one. Let your DH make whatever decisions he wants to about his involvement with them, I don't think you should stop that, but if don't want to "build bridges" then don't.

cjbartlett · 11/07/2011 06:59

Sounds like she bullied you
I'd tell your dh to back right off and support you especially as you're pregnant again - congratulations

kaid100 · 11/07/2011 07:01

I know how you feel, my MIL is not the most thoughtful person in the world and tends to act ways that suit her and disrupt other people, and then just expect people to move past it. If someone can't apologise, and can't agree they did something wrong, and doesn't promise not to do "it" again; all they can do is say "Why are you still going on about that? It was ages ago. Can't we move past this?" And then in a week's time they do something else unpleasant.

Original poster

jubblicious · 11/07/2011 09:25

Thank you! I've been feeling like IBVVU!! Especially since me and DH are having the same argument again!

I've told DH that I can't get past everything. And that I don't trust her, and if there is no trust than how can I have a relationship with her?

I hope that he will see things from my point of view and understand why I'm not jumping for joy at the idea of being 'bum chums' with her!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 11/07/2011 09:32

Why does it have to be either best mates or no relationship at all though?
You now have your own house, you are more assertive than before by the sounds of things. Can't you just see them 2 or 3 times a year for the day like alot of us do with our relatives?
It sounds like a very sexist set up with the women all doing the housework and cooking. All the men involved sound as much to blame as your SIL.

Original poster

jubblicious · 11/07/2011 09:41

We live only 10 mins away. We see them more than that, about every fortnight. And since our DCs are three weeks apart DH wants them to be close. But I think that's up to DS to chose when he is old enough. So he's proposing we go over mote often

OP posts:

2rebecca · 11/07/2011 10:35

If you see them every fortnight then that is more than many people see their siblings and inlaws. It sounds like plenty to me if you don't like them. You need to have some personal space. I'd just tell your husband that you don't like them so even though they are his family you don't wish to see more of them. Cousins being close is more a personality thing than a proximity one. I never saw my cousins fortnightly and we are still close, in a keep in touch and like each other way.
I'd put my foot down.

bushymcbush · 11/07/2011 16:43

You don't have to be forced into a relationship you don't want.

Nor do you have the right to keep your DH and DC away from their relatives if they want a relationship with them.

So how about a compromise: DH takes your DC to visit his SIL every fortnight (or whatever) while you get some well deserved 'you' time - maybe getting together with some friends or doing a class or just going to the cinema by yourself. In return, you will tolerate her company on special occasions (birthdays, weddings, Christmas etc.) and make an effort on those occasions to be friendly.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

AgentZigzag · 11/07/2011 17:44

Congratulations

I agree with bushy, why is your DH insisting you go with him when he takes the DC over to their house? Especially if it's him who wants them to be close.

Your SIL sounded a nightmare to live with.

AgentZigzag · 11/07/2011 17:44

Oops that was supposed to be a smile not a manic grin

Original poster

jubblicious · 12/07/2011 02:32

Thank you guys for your advice! I was starting to feel I was being so unreasonable. It's like I told DH there a point you pass in a relationship where even if you try, you can't get past alot of hurt.

She was a nightmare to live with. Im so glad and happier that we don't anymore.

I've also told DH that I will be civil to her and make an effort at get togethers but nothing outside of that. I do feel bad, as this is his family but so am I. God that sounds selfish

OP posts:

iscream · 12/07/2011 02:47

Congratulations on the expected baby. :)
It may take a long time before you feel any friendliness towards them. But you are polite to each other and that should be acceptable to your husband. You can't force yourself to feel kindly towards someone who put you down and made your life miserable. You had clinical depression and chronic fatigue and instead of trying to help you cope, she dismissed it with a "So what?"

Your dh has to accept everyone is not meant to be bff, you don't like sil but tolerate her, he can go over without you.

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