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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say NO to DS?

18 replies

Lorenz · 01/07/2011 10:27

This weekend the kids go to their dad's house (sat to sun). However, on the Sunday DS1 (12) wants to go to a neighbouring village and "hang out" with friends. I am opposed to this because

a) He'd need to get a bus there and the sunday service is crap. It seems such a waste of time and money faffing on sunday busses just to "hang out".
b) It's his dad's weekend, he should be spending time there.
c) There is nothing for them to do in this village so the whole idea is that they "hang out" on the street which I have always been opposed to, if he has no business being there, he shouldn't be there.
d) I think the only reason he wants to go so desperately is that there is a girl going he likes - trouble with that is he had a brace fitted yesterday which makes his jaw stick out - you're telling me he won't "dispose" of the brace for the time he's there??

So am I being unreasonable in saying he can't go? He's a sensible kid, never gives me any bother and I want it to stay that way! hanging out on street corners is, in my experience where it all starts to go tits up with young lads.

I do feel a bit guilty because he's been great lately, he was in a music concert Wednsday night where we were told his music skills are GCSE standard already, last night he was in a drama production which he's been practicing for religiously the whole year and basically, he's just been brilliant. So I do feel guilty saying no to him but - hanging out on the street and getting a bus there to do it??

AIBU? I don't think his dad is too keen on the idea either btw but he won't say no, he just passes it on to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lorenz · 01/07/2011 10:29

Oh and btw, the kids he's hanging out with don't even go to his school. They go to the village school.

OP posts:

BuxomWenchOnAPony · 01/07/2011 10:29

YABU! He's 12, and pretty sensible by the sound of it. If he wants to spend his Sunday faffing with Sunday service buses, hanging round a boring village and hiding his brace from the object of his affection, let him!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/07/2011 10:30

To be honest yes I do think YABU (sorry)......he is 12 now and so obv is going to want to spend more time hanging about with his mates....he is old enough to be getting on a bus and although personally I dont like seeing the young kids hanging around the streets, as long as they arent causing anyone any harm!!!

As you say, he's a good kid so really if he wants to see his mates on a saturday during the day....well, that is what 12 year olds do.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/07/2011 10:31

..sorry...sunday....!!

snicker · 01/07/2011 10:33

I think YABU. I don't understand why he shouldn't be allowed to socialise at weekends just because his parents separated. It will be him faffing about on buses so that bit is up to him really. I don't understand what is wrong with hanging out. I hang out with my friends all the time but we aren't 12 so we can sit in cafes or each others kitchens. He isn't actually doing anything wrong.

PuppyMonkey · 01/07/2011 10:34

I'm a very strict mummy and I don't tolerate "hanging out." my DD is 14 and I still don't. She can go round to friends' houses and go to cinema and shopping and stuff, but no hanging out making the village look untidy, I won't have it and she accepts that.

tazmin · 01/07/2011 10:36

yes you are being unreasonable

you are thinking with an adults mind, not the mind of a 12 year old who wants to be involved with what his mates are doing

he does good things at school, yet you wont let him do something he would enjoy

you are being unreasonable and setting the scene for a very resentful teenager

yoshiLunk · 01/07/2011 10:37

Agree with Buxom, let him go it's his business to sort out how. Also as it's his Dad's weekend all the discussion of where/when/who/how/when will he be back needs to be sorted out between the two of them.

ObiWan · 01/07/2011 10:38

Can his father not decide, as it's his weekend?

ObiWan · 01/07/2011 10:39

ah, x-posted!

LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 01/07/2011 10:40

I agree with you OP I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would think differently if he had a plan, i.e football, skating.... I would say no to hanging in the streets, but then I am older than most here and not british. In france it is a big NO NO to let the teenagers hanging out in the streets.

mumsamilitant · 01/07/2011 10:50

Hiya, I tend to agree with you Lorenz. I live in a city though and won't let my son 13 and a half "hang out". He either meets up with a mate etc. and does something like swimming etc. or goes to a friends, thats it! NO HANGING AROUND. I remember being their age and if just hanging out we got up to all sorts!

Original poster

Lorenz · 01/07/2011 10:54

See "hanging around" is where I got my first taste of cannabis, tobacco and cider. I honestly don't think DS would be as stupid and easily led as I was but still, they don't need the temptation do they?
his dad won't make the decision.

I do let him socialise, he goes to cinema with friends, into town shopping, bowling, Mcdonalds etc - its just the hanging around with no purpose that bothers me.

OP posts:

stealthsquiggle · 01/07/2011 10:57

I think YAprobablyBU. Give him a chance - as you say, he has been brilliant in all respects - so outline your concerns, let him know that you are trusting him because of his great behaviour/work/etc, and make sure he understands that (a) parents have spies everywhere and (b) there will be consequences if he lets you down.

Original poster

Lorenz · 01/07/2011 11:18

Ok I'll let him go. I'm just terrified my "angel son" turns out - well - like me!

OP posts:

cushionyet · 01/07/2011 14:12

Honestly, I think letting him go will be the right thing to do. I despair at parents who desperately try and prevent their children from getting caught up in 'trouble' by policing their social life completely- it doesn't work and it can be incredibly patronising and frustrating for good kids who just want to do things like hang out with their friends. If they want to try something, they'll just do it eventually. You're better off having an honest conversation about the risks associated with the kind of behaviour you're concerned about (and mention that you know this from personal experience) and he will end up having so much more respect for you.

At 12, unless you live in a very rough area with very rough people, he's unlikely to get into much bother. He's sounds like a lovely, sensible boy and I'm sure if he likes these other schoolchildren, they're probably nice kids too. Choose your battles wisely!

eurochick · 01/07/2011 14:34

I agree that YABU. 12 year olds don't want to spend lots of time with either parent. They want to spend time with their peers. And that includes hanging about, making the place look untidy.

If you tell him no, he'll probably end up doing it anyway. [I'm thinking back to my youth. I was a good girl but would sometimes tell my parents I was going toa friend's house or the cinema and then go and hang around the streets. And yes, that is where I tried my first fag, etc but not until much older than 12 and it would have happened somewhere anyway.]

feckwit · 01/07/2011 14:36

I would let him go but state he must go on x bus and come back on x bus so there are definitive timings.

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