to detest my BIL?

[cherryteat]

long story cut short: dsis1 got with bil approx 9 yrs ago. He was aggressive, jealous, insecure spiteful to dsis & dnephew who was a baby at the time. Out of love & concern I interfered, which backfired on me & I wasn't allowed to see DN for a very long time. Stupidity and drunkenness meant that I phoned them one nite & told them 'a few home truths'. at the time I felt I had nothing to lose as they'd already stopped me seeing DN who I looked after every weekend and doted on.

hi terry
We do have friends who could prob help out, when DD was born I was pretty ill & disabled & as a consequence we spent a lot of time home alone, just the 2 of us & DH when he's off work. I was/am often tired out when not working and don't tend to see many people. We do take DD to toddler groups etc but she is still v clingy & gets very distressed when left with people, and my dais1 & 2 are the main people she is used to.
When we have visitors or go to other people's houses DD is fine until DH or I are out of her sight. The last time she was left with dais1 she screamed for 15 mins! All my friends work & have older children or babism & I feel bad landing them with an inconsolable toddler.
Its not as if we need babysitters often as I''m 31 weeks preg, anemic, disabled so we don't go out, but obviously will need someone when I go into labour.

yep wrong decade I think it's a sick way to speak to a child about someone who at the time was pretty much their tertiary carer.
I think I do need to distance myself from them, the constant eggshell treading is tedious to say the least & there are many aspects of their lifestyle I do not want my children exposed to.
I hasten to add I am not nor never have been a saint in any way, I have done many wild and reckless things, acted selfishly and thoughtlessly. I have grown up a lot now I'm pushing 40 and have learned some valuable life lessons.
I just want to do things properly for my family & the next generation.

Your last message sounds really sensible and you sound a lot stronger just by saying that, you can still be there for your dsis when she needs you but you don't have to expose yourself or your family to such toxic people in order to do that.
I know how hard it is with babysitters, ds gets huge separation anxiety but if you cold reach out to more people and broaden your dd's social circle to it would probably be better for all of you. Easier said then done I know, especially when your so exhausted all the time but better than being made to feel awful by your family.

TeddyMcardle is right, you need to put you and your family first, it's still possible to support your dsis whilst distancing yourself from their situation. I'm sure your friends would love to help you out a bit, they probably think that you are getting help and support from your Dsis and family, when in fact the reverse is true.

poor you - that sounds really awful.

tell you sis that you don't want to hear anything he says about you form now on. if she starts to tell you something - stop her and remind her you don't want to know. you are not interested and don't need to hear rubbish. you know she is just being honest by passing on all his comments but it's not appropriate to forward abusive comments. remiond her you were in an abusive relationship years ago and that you choosing not to be at the recieving end again.

This is a really tough one, but for me the bottom line is that ultimately if you are not true to yourself and what you believe to be right, things will continue to feel wrong and bad - even if on the surface it's all 'ok' (i.e. you not being cut off from them).

You may not have handled what happened in a particularly good way, but were you in the wrong - I don't think so. You were standing up for what you considered mistreatment of your own sister and nephew. What basically seems to have happened is that your bil 'punished' you for this (which he had the means to do, as he controls your sister - he sounds horrible, by the way!) So ultimately you knuckled under so that you could get to see your sis and nephew. And you are continuing to knuckle under, and that's what's rankling. It would with me too. He really thinks he's the strutting old cock of the walk, doesn't he? He can slag you off (to the children - how horrible, what shitty parenting!) and almost to your face, and enjoy the fact that you won't tell him where to go, because you fear losing contact.

Well I'm afraid that I'd tell him where to go. Which is a bit of a calculated gamble but I'm afraid my pride would force me to take it. Nobody would get to call me a bitch and then expect me to host a party for them. I'm afraid I'd be pulling out and saying that I'd had ENOUGH. That clearly BIL has a continuing problem with you, so he needs to put his money where his mouth is and just keep away. So no free party. And yes, source new babysitters.

Then it's up to your sister what she does. And as it sounds as if she's got more guts than she did a few years ago (going out etc.) then I reckon you refusing to be treated like shit any longer might make her take a bit more of a stand. Also, your DNs are growing up more... and they need baby sitters too, you know... I don't know, but I'm going to stick my neck out and say that if you stand up to this bully, you may have a pleasant surprise and find that he winds his neck in a bit. But even if he doesn't, and there's another bust-up... well, it sounds as if it's NEEDED.

You can't carry on being bullied forever. It's making you unhappy and poisoning the whole set of relationships anyway.

a few times i've asked dsis2 to desist (geddit?!) with the forwarding on of crap and she says 'i'm only telling you because... ' & the things about my appearance etc she always ends by saying 'I wish I'd never said anything' I keep saying 'well think first' etc
our mum has the same trait and has used it to be extremely divisive amongst family & friends over the years, BIL is in the same league & the toxicity perpetuates.
Its hard for me to ask for help from anybody, always has been, & because my sisters are family it's been easier for me to turn to them because I don't feel as embarrassed by my being disheveled or disorganized or whatever. With friends I feel under pressure to be wide awake and in social mode if that makes sense.

BIL is expert when it comes to power & punishment: I was with dsis1 one day when her phone rang & it was her MIL, BIL's mum . She told me she'd been told by her DP not to answer the phone to her because 'we have to punish her for a while' MIL hadn't done something they'd hoped she would so she was being left to sweat. They also did similar with my mum.

just an update: we had party for dn1. BIL came and was grace personified, wonder if dsis1 had threatened him but everyone was lovely, DN1 had a fab birthday & all the children enjoyed themselves. It was nice and easy, a real relief. I'm sure it won't always be the case but i'll be careful around them all & play it by ear.

Does your sis MN too?

Glad it went well.

Haha my sister does use MN but as far as I know not the talk section! But maybe... whatever, it worked for us today.

Well,I don't want to piss on your chips but I bet he was dying to take off his mask when they got home...

oh yes pretty sure it was an uncomfortable mask but it was nicer than the usual tensions. at times we take the rough with the smooth when it comes to family but I'm definitely going to be more assertive when the nonsense rears it's ugly head again.