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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never want to see my mum again

11 replies

ElizabethTaylor · 01/07/2011 00:48

My mum has had a falling out with every member of the family and has chosen to move into a wardened home. (She used to live with my brother and his family). She has always been the type to criticize everyone about everything, never has a good thing to say about anyone.

I am the only one living close to her so try my best to shop for her, help her out and take her out with us and bring her round. Last week we asked a gardener to help her dig her garden patch to start her off. The gardener did a very good job (we thought) and we paid him £50 for a couple of hours work. We had asked her at the time if she was okay and she was over the moon. He cleared everything away and left it ready for planting. Gardening is her favourite hobby, she misses her garden and was feeling down when she moved into this place. Today we took her out to the supermarket and pizzahut with my dh and ds, which she enjoyed at the time. She told me at the end that I eat way too much and should watch my weight. (I am under 9 stone and 5'5) She thinks her garden has been left in a state and it's full of stones that the gardener should have sorted out. She's not happy at all. I feel like never seeing her again. AIBU?

OP posts:
LordOfTheFlies · 01/07/2011 01:03

Maybe step back for a while. You must feel like all your help has been thrown back in your face.
Alot of older people ( I work with elderly in NHS) dread losing their independence and react by kicking out that the closest to them.

You know what she's complaining about is petty and irrelevant.

My GPs (mums parents) were a right pair of cantankerous old so and so's and often my mum didn't know how to deal with it and felt like never going back.I found them easier because I was never the favourite grandchild so was always a step back.

You know if anything happens you'll be riddled with guilt but maybe gives yourself a bit of space.If she's in warden control she's not alone.
Good luck Smile

lachesis · 01/07/2011 01:17

I'm with Lord of the Flies here. But I'd go further and tell her I'm hurt and if there's any reason why she said that, because it's very upsetting to me.

LolaRennt · 01/07/2011 01:47

I would probably say, " do you realize how rude you have been? I don't want to be the last member of our family to stop talking to you but if you are going to be rude and bad rolemodel in front of my son, I will"

rogersmellyonthetelly · 01/07/2011 06:33

Some people do react like this to their loss of independence, but I would just have a word about it and explain how hurt you are feeling and that may have the desired effect. If it doesnt, time for stronger measures then.

Original poster
ElizabethTaylor · 01/07/2011 11:51

I know it's very petty, but despite everything I've achieved (without her) she can open her mouth and make me feel like an angry teenager all over again. I'm 35. Why can't I just be able to handle her? Or like you've suggested try and explain my feelings to her? What usually happens when anyone points out her rudeness is that she will make it very dramatic and how she's 'very sorry', which she isn't at all. She will call someone up and probably cry and then point back to us how small minded her children are. And so and so has also agreed that we seem to mind the smallest little comments????

No one has been able to get through to her - ever. This is awful thing to say, but without her, the rest of the family are doing very well. Whenever we have any dealings with her, she will leave us feeling shattered and worthless. I want to just stop seeing her. But she is old...

OP posts:
BobbaFettBountyHunter · 01/07/2011 12:19

Maybe she is losing her memory,has a diagnosis of onset dementia, or like posters said feels like she is losing her independance. I think you are reasonable to feel hurt but unreasonable to not see her. She must look forward to your visits andhow awful will you feel if something happens and there is no one there for her?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/07/2011 12:19

All I would say is careful what you wish for!!! She wont be around forever!

lubberlich · 01/07/2011 12:25

Go easy on her - she sounds depressed - this is a tough time of adjustment for her.

WhoAteMySnickers · 01/07/2011 12:30

I'd say something, along the lines of what LolaRennt suggested.

And do you really care if she calls someone up to cry and get them to agree that you're small minded, etc? All of your family know what she's like. Does it matter what anyone else thinks?

She sounds very bitter. I really sympathise. My mum is similar to yours in that she really never has a good word to say about anyone. She is never critical to me, to my face, or rather she hasn't been yet, but I'm sure it will come at some point. She is very draining to be around.

You might want to take a break for a while.

mistressploppy · 01/07/2011 12:55

DH's gran is like this, and we now know it's 50% just her personality, 50% dementia. But before the dementia was diagnosed, she got more and more disagreeable. It's very hard but FIL had to develop a thick skin to deal with her.

I hope this ISN'T the case for your mum, but it does sound to me like you need a rest from it. Can you deal with her remotely for a bit if no-one else can help? So stay in touch by phone, drop things off but decline to spend too much time with her? YANBU, btw. Sounds tough Sad

Original poster
ElizabethTaylor · 03/07/2011 12:52

Thank you ladies for understanding. Your advice is very appreciated. I will take a step back and maybe have to have a word with her if she tries to drag me in again.

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