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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop my soon be ex husband from being in the room when i give birth

42 replies

Shellitheking · 30/06/2011 20:52

I am now 34 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. At 28 weeks I found out my husband was cheating on me, he has said that he will not give up the other women so the marriage is over. My last labour was very difficult so I have told him that as I can not trust him I don't want him there? AIBU

OP posts:

pointythings · 30/06/2011 21:54

YA so NBU. Bollocks to him, he can pay his maintenance, have his access and then fuck comprehensively off.

Sewmuchtodo · 30/06/2011 21:56

Ofcourse you don't need to have him there. He can wait as long as it takes for you to deliver baby, placenta, have a cuppa (well deserved) and get into clean pj's etc.

Strictly speaking you have no obligation to inform him when you are in labour and he could wait till visiting hours (if you feel upto seeing him) as you are as much of a patient as the baby.

Your mum will be there and the baby will have one lovely mum (and one arse of a dad!) x

AuntiePickleBottom · 30/06/2011 21:59

i work at a hospital, and all you need to tell the staff not to allow him on the labour ward and they will put a note by the buzzer.....thats if he finds out your in labour.

yanbu, giving birth should be as stress free as possible

HooverTheHamaBeads · 30/06/2011 22:00

I'd not even tell him that I were in labour.

Take your lovely mum with you and ring or text him when you feel ready, the next day if that's when it is.

Or does he need to know for looking after your other children while you are in hospital.

Sorry you are going through this BTW, it is a truly shitty situation.

mumblebum · 30/06/2011 22:00

YANBU!

TandB · 30/06/2011 22:04

YANBU.

And I am pretty sure that we could arrange a rota of local mumsnetters to sit outside the labour room door and quote AnyFucker at him any time he Gets Ideas.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 30/06/2011 22:13

Of course YANBU, and it's entirely up to you to decide who you want as a birth partner or which of your relatives, if any, get to be present at the birth.

There's also no reason why should you inform him when you go into labour, but it would BU if you don't notify him shortly after the birth (the actual length of time being subject entirely to your physical health and wellbeing) and give him an opportunity to briefly meet his new dc.

I hope you have finances/maintenance sorted, and that you will shortly be filing for divorce. As for your twunt of an H and the unfeeling tart other woman, karma will get them - it always does.

I also hope you'll come back with an update when/if you feel able - and, in the meantime, I wish your new dc a very Happy Birthday.

jugglingmug · 30/06/2011 22:42

YANBU. If you dont want him there dont have him.

But, if you're asking then I suspect you have doubts about not letting him. He's not going to argue with you when you're in labour, and if he does you can ask him to leave. Your situation sounds very much where I was about 2 years ago. I decided to let the ex-H be there, I didnt want him to have anything to reproach me with IYSWIM. I also had my sister there though...and I know she'd have personally removed him from my house if she needed to

I have no regrets about what I decided, feel good that I'll be able to say to DD2 that I was the bigger person and her dad was there when she was born. That's not to say I think that's what you should do, just offering an alternative view.

Can I also just say - you can do it, you're stronger than you think and please ask for help from whoever you need to when DC3 arrives. It's tough but you'll be so proud of how fabulous your DC's are, and it's all down to you x

M0naLisa · 01/07/2011 01:30

ermm i dont think i'd want him there either if he did that to me at 28 weeks gone :(

Original poster

Shellitheking · 01/07/2011 06:59

Ex H will need to know when I am in hospital due to the childcare of the other 2. Due to the problems I had before it will be a planned induction or a cs

OP posts:

PenguinArmy · 01/07/2011 07:09

Why do you think you might be UR, is he actually seeking to be there?

Sorry I know it's implied, but want the clarification.

pregnantpause · 01/07/2011 07:15

He may need to know but he does not need to be there. If you are having a hospital birth and he turns up the midwifes will get him forcibly removed should he disturb you or if you ask them to get rid of him.
He is entitled to see his child after he/she has been born. He is not entitled to see you give birth. That is a priveledge awarded only to midwives, doctors and people of the womans choosing. And I dont blame you for refusing, who would want someone with so little respect for them to witne them at their most vulnerable? He shouldnt be arguing with you! Despite his atrocious behaviour during your marriage he should puit that aside and treat you with, a bit, no a LOT of respect. you are the mother of his chilren.
You shouldn't have to worry about this- its a no and thats that.
Good luck.

mumblechum1 · 01/07/2011 07:51

Well, if he's looking after the other two he can't be there at the birth anyway can he? It'll be in the summer hols if you're 34 weeks now.

2rebecca · 01/07/2011 08:31

As he is now your expartner I find it odd you contemplated having him there, plus if he's looking after the kids he can't be there.
For me the reason why your marriage has failed is irrelevent. Once a relationship is over you stop doing personal things with that person and having a baby is a very personal thing.
The fact that it's his baby is irrelevent. It's your body.

Fontsnob · 01/07/2011 08:40

I think yanbu and I am sorry that you are having to deal with this horrid situation.

Original poster

Shellitheking · 03/07/2011 22:02

Well just found out the ex is going to Spain for a week when I will 37 weeks pregnant so with any luck the baby will come then and he won't have an option to be with me.

OP posts:

Cocoflower · 03/07/2011 22:34

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Im expecting dc2 right now and if my DH did what yours did I would beyond heartbroken.

Its probably the hormones but Im literally having a tear roll down my face so I cannot imagine what your going through.

I think you need to do what is best for you and your lovley baby xxx

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