To think that if you are a Christian, it's wrong to sleep with a man who's not divorced?

[StableButDeluded]

The man in question is my husband. I wrote in relationships about this so I won't drag it all out again here, but basically, we separated in May at his request. It was a total shock to me and I've been really struggling to keep myself together for my DS. I have anxiety and depression problems, and my father was also dying at the time my husband left so it's been very hard.

Anyway, H informed me last week that he has 'met someone' already. Turns out he met her barely a week after he left home, and thy've been dating. That hit me really hard, I felt like I just couldn't take any more hurt and I became clinically depressed. DS has had to go and stay with H as I wasn't able to look after him properly. It's been awful. But then H started telling me what a lovely, kind person she is (I don't give a toss if she's mother Theresa at this point)...and then he says she's a Christian.

Am I totally missing something here? How can you be a Christian and think it's OK to sleep with someone who's not even divorced, someone who's barely out of the marital home?

I hate him for doing this to me, and telling me about her when he knew I was barely holding things together anyway. but this 'she's lovely, she's a Christian' just makes me hate the woman and I don't even know her.

Apparently H has told her the situation with my mental health issues, and that this is making it particularly hard for me to cope with him leaving. He told me she 'struggles' with what she's doing and prays over it, and that just makes me want to scream 'hypocrite!'

She wasn't doing much struggling when she asked him to go to a concert that involved an 'overnight stay' less than two weeks after he'd left me. H even had the cheek to expect me to look after DS so they could go! (it was a day that we have agreed DS will spend with H regularly).

I am supposed to be meeting this woman on the weekend-I don't want to, but H keeps bleating on about how much he wants her to meet DS and there's NO WAY I'm letting them meet until I've met her first. But all I can think about is this stupid Christian thing and I know I'll end up confronting her about it just to vent my anger. But I'm not very well up on modern Christian thinking, so for all I know it's perfectly fine to have a sexual relationship with someone who's only separated...?

So AIBU to think she's going against her religion? And AIBU to want to put her on the spot and ask her to explain how she can be a Christian and sleep with a married man knowing the hurt and pain she's putting another woman through?

Sorry, I know this has turned into a bit of a rant, but H also told me that she 'understands' what I'm going through because her partner left her when their son was also very young, and met someone very quickly.
Her 'understanding' just makes me want to poke her eyes out.

She 'understands' so well that she's willing to put me through what she went through when her partner left her. How is any of what she's doing in keeping with Christian thinking and behaviour?

.....and breathe....

5 weeks is that it?? really thats mental. i thought 6 months was a bit soon. i still havent met dp kids and wouldn't ask him until he was comfortable.

I think it's incredible that he thinks it's okay to gush about this lady to you. I mean how unfair and thoughtless. I think you should ask him to lay off with the details and get a grip on the fact that your not going to be one big happy family. The less you know about her the better for your own sanity.

Thanks again for all the replies. Believe me, my 'DH' has felt the full force of my wrath and I completely recognise he is at fault. In his head he has been 'separated' fro me since Christmas, which apparently is when he decided our marriage was over. Except he neglected to tell me he wanted toleave till April, about a week after my dad developed pneumonia and we knew he has maybe only days to live. He just doesn't 'get' that to me, I've had barely two months to cope with my dad declining and passing away and struggling with the grief that my 22-year relationship is over all at the same time.
My GP, my sister (a social worker) and just about everyone thinks he was utterly mad to tell me about this new woman when I was already struggling to cope. I wish he'd kept it quiet for a few months till I'd got over him a bit. I think he's mad that he can't see that telling me stuff about her just makes me unhappy and angry. I know he is the one at fault but I feel anger towards her too because H told me he has discussed our separation with her, and my 'anxiety problems' (WTF, my 'problems' are none of her business) and even how little time we've been parted. So she knows how much this is damaging me-but she still chose to go out with him.

And no, DS who is only 5 will NOT be meeting her anytime soon if I can help it. I feel it's too soon, he still cries that Daddy isn't living at home, he needs to get settled before he meets her. And who's to say it will last? she might not even be with him in a few months time so why she feels she needs to meet my son now is beyond me.

Apparently, H tells me that she met her ex's new partner only a couple of weeks after he left her because the ex was keen for their son to meet his new woman and she wanted to see what she was like. I think she was bonkers and I have told H that I don't give a flying fuck what she did with her son and her ex, which was 10 years ago, just because she did this or that is irrelevent.This is our son and she will meet him only when I think he is ready for it.

He said 'oh well, maybe not now but in a month or so'. Fat chance,my GP has said my son comes first, and my mental health. I know I'm not strong enough mentally at the moment to have DS coming home and telling me 'Mary said this, Mary said that, Mary is great, etc' (that's not her real name).
I will meet her very briefly on saturday and I am resolved to take people's advice and remain cool and dignified. I will ask only what I want to know and then I will leave calmly and let H know he can't push me into letting her meet DS until we're both ready.

IMO you would be ill-advised to meet this insensitive fruitcake devout Christian tomorrow, or at any time until you have got your head completely together.

In the first place you need time to grieve for your dad. This is an ongoing process that, no matter how much you are able to reconcile yourself to his/your/our mortality, will always be a deep pool of sadness especially as his passing is now irrevocably linked, thanks to the crass behaviour of your H, to the death of your marriage.

In the second place you need time to adjust to your changed marital circumstances and to come to terms with your H's behaviour - which, btw, is off the wall.

Your presumably adult H is acting as if he's an infatuated adolescent and, in extolling the alleged virtues of the object of his lust, he seems to be seeking some kind of maternal or other approval from you - doesn't he have any mates that he can bore with the details of his wondrous new love?

IME real life doesn't work like this. Unless both partners have called time on their relationship, have sorted out their finances, made a complete break, and are gladly embracing their separate lives, it's unrealistic to expect that a dumpee will be enthusiastic about meeting their replacement unless they're in possession of a Colt .45, let alone happily agreeing to the plans of the dumper with regard to their shared dc.

When and if, in the fullness of time, you feel able to look your nemesis in the face, I suggest you ensure that any meeting is on neutral ground well away from the marital home, and that no other party is present - I sincerely hope that it is not intended that you meet her as part of the new happy couple, and have the additional hurt of watching them make sheep's eyes at each other, surreptitiously hold hands under the table, see him behaving solicitously towards her etc.

In the meantime, I would suggest that you baldly tell your twunt of an H that you wish to hear no more, as in not one single word, about his fancy piece affair, and that after you have divorced him for adultery (naming her in your petition), you may but don't hold your breath chum be prepared to meet her with a view to her eventually meeting your dc - at the very least you'll have the satisfaction of giving the devout one something worthwhile to pray over.

It isn't clear from your post whether you hope for reconciliation or are resigned to kissing your investment of 22 years in a worthless cause goodbye but, either way, you'll find it easier to rebuild and strengthen your fragile self-esteem once you climb into the driving seat and start calling the shots.

Like yourself I suspect that your H's fantasy will be shortlived, but if it should prove to be enduring please rest assured that karma will kick in and you'll have the last laugh.

Given the timings you've stated, I also suspect that the devout one hove into your H's view some considerable time before he announced his departure - don't you just love the way that some Christians wrestle with their conscience, and win?

No advice I am afraid OP, but lots of sympathy and good luck for tomorrow.

this must be incredibly painful for you, and in my (and lots of of other people's) opinion the time scale is FAR TOO SHORT for your ds to be meeting her yet - your ex has to re-build his relationship with his son on a different playing field now.

BUT - that isn't actually your choice, and you don't really get to have a say as to what your ex does with your son while he is in his care.
You can appeal to his better nature on the basis that this wouldn't be in your son's best interests at the moment.
Unfortunately however if he decides to introduce her then he will.

stable i am a christian and this is simply awful. Yes even christians are not immune to temptation.I am aghast at this woman having an affair with your husband and the fact that she is praying about her guilt ? Believe me this is NOT what the bible teaches and she is clearly deluding herself.

When i hear things like this involving christians it always breaks my heart because it is the opposite of what the gospel teaches and a terrible testimony to non christians. The bible says "by their fruit, you shall know them".

Your Dh on the otherhand sounds like he is pressuring you to meet this woman....to absolve himself of some guilt obviously and make himself feel better. You dont have to meet with ANYONE this is between you and your husband, so this woman needs to be having conversations with her GOD and not you. You can quote to her "what God has put together, let no man put asunder", if shes got to that part in her bible yet .

As far as your ds is concerned, your dh should not be introducing him to another woman whislt still married to you, how old is ds ? Personally i would forbid ds meeting any new love interest until you are formally divorced. You havequite enough to deal with already.

Yabu.

You've been through a v hard time, buy it's him you should be angry at. He was separated when she met him ... She has no loyalty to you.

Lots if Christians are hypocrites in lots of ways.

If you don't feel ready to meet her, then don't meet her. He can't make you do something you don't want to do. And it's well within your rights to tell him he is NOT to introduce your child/ren to her either.

To be perfectly honest, he is being most unreasonable to even think about introducing the child/ren to her at this stage. And if she is desperate to meet them, then she is being bloody unreasonable as well. Confession time....I have been seeing a married but separated man for some months now. It's going well and I could very possibly see it being a long term thing and he has two DS. Now I've been with him for several months and I wouldn't DREAM of asking to meet his children till we know exactly what's happening and where it's going.

So purely from a personal point of view, YANBU to not want to meet her or not wanting the children to meet her. He IBVU to expect you to deal with all this and to put this sort of pressure on you. He sounds like a nob of the highest order but (and I am only going on what is in your OP) if he really did meet this woman AFTER you and he separated, he isn't actually BU by dating/seeing her, IMO.

I am not a Christian, or indeed anything but I don't feel that I am committing adultery or inviting Nationwide allegations of moral turpitude by sleeping with a man who is still technically married. He is separated, they are no longer together, end of story. Sorry.

This wasn't a rant or in any way getting at the original poster, just chucking in my four penneth .

All the Christians I know make up the rules up as they go along so i wouldn't be to about that.

What you do need to do is let it go! All the anger directed at her is misplaced, Your DH is being a shit. He should not be introducing your dc to her at this time its all too soon and he should be really more considerate of your feelings, your hurt and you have every right to be. Although, that said i don't see how you meeting her first is going to help. As the child of Divorced parents the worst thing parents can do is get wrapped up in new relationships at this time, just because he thinks she is fab doesn't mean your ds will love or needs to lover her. He needs to compartmentalise his life and keep all your relationships until everyone's feeling better about this situation.

You are torturing yourself by meeting her and if your honest its not for your ds it's so as you can maintain some control, understandably. What I can tell you is that it will get better, it just needs to be handled expertly IYSWIM.

nokissy speaks sense.

izzywhizzy I don't think she could claim adultery as a reason for divorce if they had already separated when he started seeing this woman. The separation would be taken as the reason, not adultery.

xx

Um if those two arent married she isnt much of a christian

Technically its against her religion but there are all different sorts of Christians. Christian isn't shorthand for 'nice guy'. You can be a Christian and be an absolute shit and its a bit insulting to people of other faiths and none to pretend that Christians have exclusive use of the moral high ground. Christianity is about faith in Jesus, not good behaviour.

Yes, she does sound a bit of a fruitloop. I can't imagine any sane woman throwing herself with such gusto into a relationship with a man who has just separated and has a small child.

Your anger is misdirected. It is your DH who is discussing your mental health issues, him who is gushing to you about how lovely she is, him who is pushing for her to meet his child, him who is telling you how 'understanding' she is, him who turned his back on your relationship, him who left.

She might not be pushing to meet your child, she might not (probably hasn't) told him to tell you she is understanding or she feels guilty or she prays. He probably has as much respect for her privacy as he had for yours when he decided to tell her about your mental health.

Please do not meet this woman. It is too soon and you are too raw.

What planet is your H on even asking you to do this, he doesn't even know this women.

Tell him to piss off you are not playing happy families to make him feel better about his choices. Tell him you are seeing a lawyer and under no circumstances has this woman to come in contact with your DS.

Your priority at the moment is you!!! You need to get healthy to move on with your life and look after your DS

Please do not go and meet this person. It is far too soon and you are still too raw.

What planet is your H on even asking you to do this? He barely knows this woman.

Tell him to piss off, you are not interested in meeting her and she has

In the absence of any formal documentation or legal separation to the effect that both parties agree that their marriage is over, the op's H has committed, and is continuing to commit, adultery magicmelons.

As I have already said, I suspect that the most likely scenario is that the twunt underwent his 'conversion' before he left the marital home, and I further suspect his claim that within days of packing his bags he met another one (i.e old bag), and subsequently embarked on an adulterous relationship does not bear much relation to the truth of the matter.

Does the paragon have dc of her own, op? When your H left the marital home where did he move to, and do you have proof that he hasn't moved in with her.?

If you don't already have it, ask the twunt for her full name and address, and tell him that you intend to give the info to the solicitor who draws up your petition for divorce and use it to run a few checks on her, take stock of her physical appearance before you bother to glam up for a meeting.

If half of what the twunt has told you about the pious one's former relationship is true and she met up with her ex's new dp within a few weeks of being dumped, it seems that she is projecting her experience and lack of feelings onto you -and that's a tad worrying.

I should have stated in my previous response that, IMO, if you go ahead and meet Ms Fruitiloops both she and your H will treat this as the thin end of the wedge, and there's likely to be no let up until you've consented for your dc to meet her for 5 minutes, and then stay over/spend time with the happy couple.

In addition, from what you've said, the pair of them are away with the fairies and are more than capable of believing that, simply by the act of meeting her in person, you have given your approval to their union.

You've got nothing to gain from going along with their half-baked plans and meeting her and everything to lose, including your self-respect, if you don't make a stand by refusing to join in their pathetic games.

OP, don't meet her. You don't want to and you don't have to. As your GP has said, look after your son and your mental health. That is taking up enough of your energy as it is, you don't have to meet some random woman to make her and your Ex feel better. So don't.