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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DH that he can't go to bed?

45 replies

HelloKlitty · 30/06/2011 09:21

Right.

He works three or four night shifts a week....from midnight to 7.30am...it's an easy job...not hard work and he often grabs a few hours sleep when it's quiet.

I am self employed and work whenever I can...my work piles up and I STILL seem to be doing most of the housework and childcare.

He has just gone to bed..last night was his last shift of the week and I am sat here with our three year old, a messy house and three pieces of work to complete.

I have to work with my toddler creating havoc....he'll get up later and moan that the house is a mess...he DOES contribute by cooking regularly and doing laundry (most of it) but it's me organising our older DDs homework, parties, lessons, clubs, dentists etc and taking the younger one to playgroup....and cleanng up....buying school uniforms, gardening....feeding the cats and makng the beds.

I just lost my temper and told him it was shit. I work up until 12.00pm or later most nights....he comes home and sleeps all day to recover from hs night shift...then when he is not working he gets 3 or 4 full nnights sleep!

Whist I was writing this he came down and asked me what he could do....AIBU to have him st with DD and cuddle on the sofa in front of the TV whlst I work? He hasn't got to go to work tonight.

And how can I get him to do more of the childcare?

DD is starting nursery in September.

OP posts:

Original poster

HelloKlitty · 30/06/2011 12:36

But why should he get to sleep when I invariably dont? And the reason I don''t is because I am doing ALL the other tasks in the house???

altinkum YOU may lie doing all the jobs in the house but I dont!

I am tired of telling him that I do all the jobs in the house...I have told him and told him! Short of leaving him, the best thing I could think of was to insist he looks after DD while I finish my work.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 30/06/2011 12:47

But why should he get to sleep when I invariably dont? And the reason I don''t is because I am doing ALL the other tasks in the house???

You said before he does do some of them. I suspect he's become immune to you constantly "telling him". It needs measured, open discussion.

AmberLeaf · 30/06/2011 12:54

If hes been on nights for 4 nights then what makes sense is to stay awake in the day after his last night shift...then he will be able to sleep that night.

If he sleeps during the day after his last night shift will he even sleep that night?

When my ex did nights [7 in a row!] he would always stay awake after the final shift so as to ensure sleep that night and to get back into 'normal' sleep at night mode for his 4 days off following nights and the following 7 days on day shifts.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 30/06/2011 12:55

You need to have a discussion about what you both want, what is fair and how you are feeling right now.

Working nights is very different ime to staying up late. I used to have to stay awake 1 day a week after a night shift and tbh I was useless, so tired I could hardly function.

It sounds like your dh is just not pulling his weight I agree, you have to talk.

InLimboAgain · 30/06/2011 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 30/06/2011 12:57

I sleep all morning after my last night and get back in bed by 7pm for the night, no problem sleeping, the problem is staying awake Amberleaf

AmberLeaf · 30/06/2011 13:32

Doyou, yes my ex found it hard to stay awake at times, I remember one occasion him falling asleep at about 6:30pm...while we were at the ante natel parenting class!

We just used to try and plan a low key day that day with obviously no driving for him, he usually ended up going to bed at about 9pm and that set him up for the next week or so.

Georgimama · 30/06/2011 13:37

Nightshifts are not the same as working dayshifts though. Your body is designed to be active in daylight and resting in the dark. Inverting that is hard on the body - people who spend their working lives on nights actually have lower life expectancy.

If he does 4 shifts a week he has three days of normality when he should be doing 50% of the chores. That's the problem here, not whether he sits with DD or does or does not go to bed at this very minute.

PaisleyLeaf · 30/06/2011 13:47

Working nights is really hard - it really messes you up.
You're both working hard and just because it's opposite hours doesn't mean you couldn't really do with some sort of childcare.
It looks like things will get better for you in September when she starts nursery.

motherinferior · 30/06/2011 13:52

"I am self employed and work whenever I can...my work piles up and I STILL seem to be doing most of the housework and childcare."

OK. Two things here. I know there are people on MN who allege they work with kids around but I can assure you that if you actually need to earn a living, you need paid childcare. Good, set hours of childcare. Paid for by both of you.

And of course you need to divide the housework.

But get the childcare sorted first. You both seem to have accepted that (a) it's your responsibility (b) you can 'fit round the child/ren'. It just isn't so. Not till they're about seven.

Longtalljosie · 30/06/2011 14:00

I think part of your problem is the statement "I work whenever I can". That's not working, as there is no point which is definitely your working time, and there is no point which definitely isn't.

You'll just have to believe those of us who've done night shifts when we tell you they are harder on the body than ordinary shifts, nap or no nap.

You need to a) work out how many hours you need to do per week and timetable those hours - either around your DH's work so he knows he's doing childcare solo at those times or you need to take motherinferior's advice and look for a nursery.

The distribution of housework is a separate issue.

BsshBossh · 30/06/2011 14:08

OPare you trying to run a business and look after your DC at the same time? I work from home and despite having a 3yo DD who can entertain herself for long periods of time on her own I pay for her to be looked after by a childminder in order to work. Many people I know who work from home do so with their DC in childcare. Is this possible for you?

motherinferior · 30/06/2011 14:11

Glad to see other people agreeing . I worked with two preschoolers...at their childminder. It's the only way to get it done!

tazmin · 30/06/2011 14:15

so, he gets in at 7.30 - let him sleep 6 or 7 hrs - makes it 2ish - plenty of time then for you to do your work, him to do a few chores around the house until he goes back to work at midnight

cant see the problem to be honest

jeckadeck · 30/06/2011 14:22

I don't think its unreasonable for him to expect to be able to sleep after having just got off a night shift, tbh. Whether he's pulling his weight on the home front or not is a different matter -- if he's not then you need to ask him to do it at another time. But I don't think you can unilaterally demand that he has to do these chores just when he's got in off his shift.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 30/06/2011 14:31

Working nights is very different ime to working days. Most night workers get much less sleep than day workers and the quality of sleep is not so good.

I think there was a scientific study not so long ago which concluded that nights are bad for your long term health.
I agree with whoever said you need childcare, working with children around is impossible.

Georgimama · 30/06/2011 14:36

I hadn't really clocked that the OP and her husband are trying to manage without outside childcare. That is absurd. If you are working, you are working. You cannot just fit it in around the children, just because you happen to work from home. Your attempts to do so are a root cause of your work being undervalued by your husband, because he doesn't really see it as your work, your career, in the same terms as his outside the home, fixed hours work. It is and it needs to be respected, by you both. Sort some core working hours and get childcare for them.

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 30/06/2011 14:39

I know a couple of mums at school who work nights, come home around 7 a.m. get the children up, do the school run, tidy up THEN go to bed til school pick-up. As others have said it is normal not to go straight to bed when you get in from work. It sounds as though OP's dh sometimes does this just to avoid getting involved in household stuff, then when it suits him he spends a few hours on the computer first.

I think it is a really good idea to sit down and plan a timetable of who does what childcare/chores whenever he gets his next rota.

VelveteenRabbit · 30/06/2011 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brighthair · 30/06/2011 16:06

I work nights. Some people find it easier to sleep when they get in, I stay up for 2hrs or so and then go to bed. But you need to try and sleep the amount you would on a night, so 6-8hrs otherwise you would be dead on your feet. People used to say oh you won't sleep all day will you? well yes, do you sleep all night?

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