AIBU to go on AD becasue of my DH's behaviour ??

[kitty4paws]

I posted last night ion the relatonships forum and the lovley ladies there gave me some great advice. link

But I just needed a few more opinions on specifically the use of AD in an adbusive realtionship.

DH is suffering from disassociatve amnesia, this means virtaully no short term memory, but also apathy, lack of empathy and mood swings. But he can also be ( and is most of the time, so long as I keep him "sweet"") a lovley man.

He is really nasty only to me and I have just had enough.

My options are ( and I am VERY open to other suggestions)

a) He leaves ( though he is unable to live on his own so I just don't know how that will work)

b) I leave with the DC ( same issues as above but the 5 of us are in a caravan)

c) I go on AD so I don't care about his behaviour

d) I get counselling so I can "deal" with it all.

On the other thread the message , loud and clear, was that abusive behaviour is NOT excused by illness, do you agree, or am I just being a cold heartless b**h. I have his mother on the phone crying at me telling me that I
"have to be strong" and that
"He thinks you have thrown him out"
( he is staying with her ATM bujt she is elderly so not a long term solution)

I am sat here lookign at a packet of AD's thinking to start them ot not. Part of me thinks yes, at least the might help and then I think but I am experiencing a NORMAL reaction to a horribel situation, I don't need drugs to provide an emotional suit of armour I need the abuse to stop .

"As long as you are sort of managing, then its not their problem."

Chazs : you are sooooo right, I think "they" just let it get to crisis poitn and THEN step in, when it could all have been avoided [ sigh]

Oh, Kitty. You really are in a totally shitty situation aren't you. It sounds like you're trying so, so hard to do the right thing and at great personal cost. I really, really feel for you.

First off, regardless of whether he can or cannot help himself (and I think he can, or he'd be nasty to other people), the HCPs have no right whatsoever to downplay the effect his behaviour is having on you. That is deeply disrespectful to you and very unprofessional. I suppose that if I was being charitable I might be able to excuse their behaviour by thinking that maybe because you're juggling things so well they think it can't be as bad as you say it is, especially as they have a vested interest in believing that - if you say you can't cope and leave, it makes their job a hell of a lot harder so they don't want to dwell on that possibility and will deny it. Still, it's not a valid excuse and I am at them on your behalf.

No matter what, it is NOT ok for you to be abused and it is NOT ok for your DC to be exposed to it. And in the end, that's all it boils down to. All the other factors are irrelevant.

If you were childless and made an informed decision to weather things and support your H through all this, that's one thing, but it's not about just your feelings, or his - there are three vulnerable children to consider who don't have any control over things, and as the only fully functioning adult in this scenario it is down to you to act in their best interests (which I also think is in your own best interests).

I know you will feel guilty if you leave, and I daresay you will be made to feel guilt by other people as well. But if you disintegrate under the strain, which you will, you can help no one. At least by leaving you can serve the greater good (4 of you) rather than just the one. Try to think of it as a cost-effective exercise if the emotional aspects just get too overwhelming. There are medical professionals whose job it is to help with these sorts of situations. It should not fall all on you, especially with 3 DC to consider.

Sod MN etiquette - ((((hugs)))) to you. You need them.

You are coping with far too much. Like the others have said, you need to shout loud that you need help.

Is there any hope that he might recover eventually? Does he receive any medication to help him cope with things? Does he have a psychiatrist? I know his memory won't be helped with meds, but what about the mood swings?

sunshineandbooks :
thanks for the hugs ( shhush I won't tell) its brought a smile to my face as I have had higs befor , yours were preceeded by "Sod" and the other was "Fuck it have a hug" thanks !!!

Its also theguilt I just KNOW I will feel , mostly put out by others,

"but he's ILL"

but then they don't see they man I see, they only see well behaved Dh , lovley , but forgetful DH.

I just can't acutually "see" a future where we don't live together I just can't.

When he come back I am goign to try and record his outbursts, at least a sound track. Even He doesn't know / remember / realise just how awful his is.

When his sister talked to him about what he is really like ( I had kept her on the phone unknown to him during one of his rages) he was totally shocked.

I think it is a good idea to record it. Play it to his SW, GP, Consultant etc. They probably don't realise how bad it is.

There is medication that he can be prescribed to help him with his mood swings/rages.

I do feel for poor DH, becasue of his memory its as iff his rages etc are someone else. If he does leave ( even in the dhort term) he will feel that he is being "punished" for stuff HE hasn't doen and in some ways HE hasn't , aarrgghh !

Once he has forgotten about an argument I just have to let it go, we can't "talk it though" as
a) he won't remember talking it through

b) we are "talking through" an argument that effectively ( for him) happened to someone else.

You need to be taught techniques for halting things once they're underway, rather than him just becoming like a runaway train, losing it and taking everything out on you. There are things you can do, but you need the professionals to help you.

hiddenhome :I have asked and asked about hoe to dealwith him and I basically just get shrugged sholders. there are book and books about amnaging these sort of outbursts with children but I have looked and looked and can't fidn ANYTHIGN for adults. It all about hoe the person with the illness can be made to feel better nothign on what to do with the carer. It makes my blood boil !!!

Personally, I think staying is a bad move for you and your DC, but I am not you and I don't have any right to tell you what to do, so if you're going to stay you need to come up with a plan of action that can safeguard you and the DC.

Firstly, you need a bolt-hole. If it all gets too much or you are worried about the DC's exposure to something, you need somewhere to go where you feel safe, un-pressured and will be left in peace - even if it's only for an hour.

Secondly, you need someone who be with your H at relatively short notice so that you can ensure you still have a healthy, normal life of your own to go shopping, have lunch with a friend, pick up the kids from school and go to the park without having to justify yourself or your time, etc.

Thirdly, you and the DC need the chance to be a family unit that is not dominated by MH issues and the threat of rages. Whether that is enabled through respite care or MIL taking over, you need a few weekends where you and DC can just go off by yourselves to Alton Towers or whatever.

Fourthly (perhaps most importantly), the HCPs absolutely MUST realise the effect this is having on you and the DC and take steps to get your H into some sort of therapy/treatment plan that can minimise the harm. They MUST take you seriously, which means acknowledging what you are saying, not downplaying it.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping you find something that works.

"becoming like a runaway train"

that's EXACTLY what its like,

it is getting late, thanks you for all your great advice, I am going to make more "noise" tomorrow, things have GOT to change.

Off to bed, thanks again

Kitty

Things have got to change i agree. Don't mask it with AD's i agree. Like the idea of recording his outbursts - letting him hear them. I know he will forget how he behaves and it will be difficult to resolve. Maybe others will understand what you have to live with though and why you have to end the situation.

Depends what ADs you're prescribed, and what your appraoch to them and the situation is...
SOME ADs act as mild sedatives, and may help you 'blank out' your surroundings.
Alternatively, ADs may help you combat the situation you're in, because if you're really depressed (and i'm not surprised if you are...) this can be in itself a way of numbing yourself enough to survive (and so remain in rather than reject) the awful situation you're in.
Many variable involved...

Kitty- This sounds EXACTLY like what the problems between me and my ex-DP are like. We've been together on and off for 12 yrs now, I can only cope with living with him for a 18 months at a time, with the forgetfulness, and the way he'd flip out at me, then deny it ever happened, and there was something wrong with me for being 'huffy' with him when he hadn't done anything (like calling me an ugly bitch...then saying he hadn't said anything to me that was upsetting...). After googling the symptoms of dissociative amnesia (after reading this thread), I'm SURE it's what is the matter with him.

Every 18 months or so, he walks out, and we split up, then after another year or to, he comes back, and has forgotten walking out on me...he left me a month ago (littleloud was only 5 months at the time) but this time Mummy hasn't taken him back...she's just paying all his bills for him (or he forgets to pay them), and doing all his shopping (or he forgets to go, and forgets to eat), all he has to do nw is go to work and go home. This, this illness, explains what is wrong with him SO much better than 'depression' that the GP said he had. What ex-DP has is SO much more than depression - it's forgetting you have children unless you are actually in the room with them. It's forgetting/not realising that your actions have an impact on other people, it's forgetting you need a bath (and needing to be told to have a bath if they've been too long wihout one). It's just not being a fully functional adult, and I've spent from the age of 17 to the age of 30 being tied emotionally to a man like the OP is talking about.

I have only recently, with the aid of the (wonderful) staff at my local children's centre, made a REAL break from it, and accepted that MY responsibility is to my 4 dc, NOT to my ex-DP. He has his mum there for him at the moment (I'm ignoring the fact that she won't be around for ever). I need to be there for my DC.

Oooops sorry for long response - thread touched a nerve, and made a penny drop!

My mum went through something very similar with her partner recently. He has the mood swings etc, and is almost delusional at times - will accuse her of doing something which has absolutely no basis in truth, but seems to genuinely believe it. She had real problems getting anyone to take her seriously - made a complaint against the psychiatric department because she was there in tears saying that she couldn't cope and they basically said she wasn't their patient and the appointment was over!! She felt they just saw it as a marital difficulty and kept telling her to go to marriage guidance, when that wouldn't have helped at all.
You may not want to do this, but she was told to call the police every single time he became abusive. They were really helpful and in the end, got him prioritised on the SW housing list (for supported housing - he couldn't live alone without support either). He's now in his own flat with carers coming in a few times a day, and she goes and visits him.
In your case, you have children living there, and I would highlight that when you speak to people. Recording him is a good idea, I think, and then talk about the impact of them living with that - unfortunately, I think they may take more notice of that, than the impact he is having on you.

loudlass :

You might want to have a look at this website

PODS

Dissasociation covers a range of behaviours and they might be able to give you more insite

also this centre The pottergate centre

ppottergate

diagnoses / treats disocociation.

Usually, but not allways, disosociation is realted to a traumatic event ( though there is no evidence of this in DH's case)

Kitty this sounds like a horrible situation. I think the key thing is whether or not your DH shows any insight into his behaviour or the effect it is having on you or your children? If he is able to recognise the harm his illness can cause between the bouts of symptoms then you do have some hope. If not then I really don't see how you can get through this, and I'd be in the 'leave him' camp. Not because I think he is necessarily responsible for his actions but simply because it doesn't make sense for you to suffer too.

For perspective one of the consequences of my epilepsy is sudden, very acute bouts of rage. These last no longer than a few minutes and are always accompanied with other seizure activity but they are pretty terrifying for anyone around me and terrifying for me too. I must retain some degree of self control with them because I have never come close to losing my temper with DD. My poor DH bears the brunt.

We now recognise the symptoms well enough that DH can just get the hell out of the way until the storm has passed. And now that my meds are finally kicking in I'm having far fewer seizures too.

I don't want to make excuses for abusive behaviour but I am honestly not in control whilst these symptoms last. DH recognises this too. It is totally inconsistent with my usual behaviour. What makes it bearable for DH is that we can both see how hideous and mad my rage is and between seizures I feel deeply guilty for the distress it causes him.

Obviously we are in a very different situation to you. But I just wanted to say that simply because your DH does not remember these episodes does not mean you shouldn't expect him to recognise that they occur and that he needs to take action to get help and recover.

You feel deep sympathy for your DH and that is admirable. His condition sounds hideous and I feel deeply sorry for him too. But you are not responsible for his distress, and if you leave and he becomes more ill you will not be responsible for that either.

I disagree with those people above who argue your DH must have some control over his behaviour because he only directs his anger at you. That is not consistent with my experiences. But that doesn't mean you can make this situation any better by tolerating what is clearly unacceptable behaviour either.

What kind of medication is your DH on himself? Is there any hope that it could be adjusted so as to make it easier for him to manage his emotions?

Someone close to me has dementia, medication has made a huge difference to his behaviour and his quality of life, reducing his anxiety, his outbursts, and other bad behavior. He is calmer and happier. It is not in any sense a cure but luckily the drugs are making his carer's life a lot easier, and his own.

Agree that it sounds like you are not being taken seriously about how bad it is because you have managed such a horribly difficult situation so well. Record him. Demand respite. Fight to have him moved to supported accomodation if that is what you want. Best of luck.

Kitty, please don't forget that you are allowed to look after your own needs too, in fact you have every right to. Everyone, like your MIL and the social workers, is imposing on you to take care of things. It solves a problem for them. No one is looking after you and no one but you is looking after the DCs. If you find that this position is not sustainable, then please don't feel guilty.

A friend of mine cared for her boyfriend for years after he sustained grave head injuries that left him mentally and physically impaired. She was only in her 20s. Eventually she decided she could not devote her life to living like that, with no kids and no real relation ship, and left him. She did feel guilty, but she knew she could not have gone on and her decision was entirely reasonable.

I do hope you get some more and better help for you and your DH. Please keep shouting until you do.