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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bothered by this

52 replies

princessglitter · 29/06/2011 22:12

My mother in law is wonderful and helps us out a lot by having my dd for an hour after school, till I can pick her up after work. However, the last two times I have collected her. dd has been playing with some other little girls outside the house (it is a cul de sac) and MIL and PIL have been inside the house, doors closed, clearly not watching dd at all.

DD is just 5. Clearly the other little girls are allowed to play out too and they are a similar age to mine. However I am not entirely comfortable with a 5 year old playing out unsupervised. It is a quiet road and MIL would see dd is she glanced out of her kitchen window, but she was sat in her conservatory at the back of the house when I arrived today and didn't seem to be watching dd at all. She didn't even realise I had arrived until I walked into the house through the back door.

Am I unreasonable to ask MIL to supervise dd if she allows her to play outside?

OP posts:
Original poster
princessglitter · 03/07/2011 22:48

'Tell him that if he wants to agree with you in private and then wimp out when the decision is presented in public, then he loses the right to have things discussed with him and to have his opinion count.'

I totally agree and will say this to him, although I anticipate his reply will be: 'stop nagging. I can't do anything right.' Subject closed. He can be a great husband and father, but I do find him wimpy when it comes to standing up to his mum (who I do like - by the way- I just disagree with her on this).

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 03/07/2011 22:55

Then I'm afraid it will have to be you who has the cojones to say her approach is not appropriate in this case.

I wouldn't even bother with your dh now. He's a wimp.

Your dd's care is what matters and you must be happy with it or you should get paid childcare where you get exactly what you want.

Even if you are being over protective - which you aren't - your mil should respect your preferences.

skybluepearl · 03/07/2011 23:31

Can you organise childminder/school club for after school on some days? You could say it's to take the pressure off your MIL if she doesn't have the energy/interest to be with DD. I agree DD needs to be properly looked after. Leaving a 5 year old to play out unsupervised is dodgey in my eyes. Various risks - all very real. You need to make it clear that you don't want DD playing unsupervised. Maybe DD would enjoy playing with her own school friends at an after school club anyway?

skybluepearl · 03/07/2011 23:32

yes MIL should respect your decision.

Original poster
princessglitter · 03/07/2011 23:37

Will look at after school club. We already pay for breakfast club and I feel it is a long time for such a small child to be at school. We have a childminder for our two smaller children and already pay £££ in childcare, so obviously MIL was a great help - but obviously will have to go down that route if MIL won't listen.

OP posts:
lachesis · 03/07/2011 23:52

Put your foot down. This isn't the 70s anymore. I wouldn't care if I fell out with her over it, either, my child's safety is more important than anything.

AnyFucker · 03/07/2011 23:59

no way would I let my 5yo (and 6, 7, 8yo etc) play out virtually unsupervised

if your PIL allow it, knowing your views on the situation, then arrange alternative childcare

ans your husband sounds like a spineless person, sorry

amIbeingdaft · 04/07/2011 00:04

2 things I'd be tempted to do:

1)Pull your DH up on his behaviour in front of his mother. Ask him outright "Why are you acting like you don't agree with me now? You were in total agreement earlier. Honestly MIL I think he's afraid to speak his mind with you!"

  1. Pick your DD up and take her home without telling MIL if she's not watching. I guarantee she'll not leave her unsupervised again. There'd be an almightly row though, I'd imagine Grin
FabbyChic · 04/07/2011 00:10

Point out to your DH that the dangers come from other people, predators men and women.

If your daughter was taken how long would it be before your MIL noticed?

AnyFucker · 04/07/2011 00:14

it wouldn't be my child being "taken" that would worry me, tbh

it would be the risk of a road traffic accident

that petrifies me, even now, and mine are 15 and 11

I kinda am a bit sensitive though, since I see daily the effects of traffic accidents on children, and every single one of those parents/PIL's thought their children were immune

no child is immune

and road sense is not learned until at least age 7

VFVF · 04/07/2011 08:41

I agree with amIbeingdaft next time you go and your DD is out playing unsupervised, just take her home without saying anything to MIL, that will scare her!

Yama · 04/07/2011 09:02

Your child's safety is more important that your mil's feelings.

kerstina · 04/07/2011 09:46

I think if she is kind enough to look after your DD you should respect her ability to do it. Personally I would suggest she invites the other child into her back garden for an hour so she can watch them while sitting down. Perhaps she is getting a bit frail and does not want to stand at the window ? Agree with other post regarding road traffic this is my biggest concern for my ds 9 as the volume of traffic is so much greater today than when i was a child and i have trouble getting across busy roads myself !

piprabbit · 04/07/2011 09:54

BTW - it sounds like your DD could do with an intensive road safety course Grin. Maybe talk to your DD about the dangers of playing outside, so that she is beginning to develop an awareness. Try letting your DD guide you when you are walking out and about - still hold her hand but say things like 'OK we are coming to a road - what do we need to do'.

And good luck with getting your MIL on side.

lesley33 · 04/07/2011 10:01

I think it is fair enough to let a 5 year old out to play on a cul-de-sac. This would have been totally normal 20 years ago which is probably why your GP's think it is fine.

However you obviously have different ideas about parenting. So I think you need to speak the GP's and ask them not to let this happen.

If they refuse effectively, you need to think about whether you let this go or you pay for a childminder.

I think DC's being looked after by GP's can be great. But the downside is that unlike a CM it is much harder to dictate how you want the GP's to look after your child.

lesley33 · 04/07/2011 10:03

Just to say I agree that 5 year olds don't have road sense. But as a 5 year old I know it was drummed into me not to cross the road and I didn't - not even once.

Allinabinbag · 04/07/2011 10:04

I think 5 is very young, especially if out with other five year olds, I might let my nearly six year old out with her older sister in a cul-de-sac, but not on her own, and I would also ask them to play out the front (i.e. where I could see them with set boundaries they can't go beyond) and peek out often. And that's if I did it at all (no chance where we currently live).

I don't think letting them play out and then sitting in the conservatory is an option at all! How difficult, perhaps you could talk to your MIL again about it, saying that you understand that was fine 30 years ago, but the world has changed, cars have got faster and there are more of them, and you want to wait a year or two (so not forever) before allowing your dd to play out. Making it seem like a possibility (which is might be) but not now I think is better than saying 'no'. I also agree that if she can't agree to watch your dd sitting on the step/from the kitchen all the time, then best go for after-school care although everyone will be upset.

But this is not a sensible 8 year old, it's a little reception age five year old and I personally don't think they can manage traffic at all, even slow cars at this age.

TheFarSideOfFuck · 04/07/2011 10:33

I read somewhere that children don't have sufficient neurone connections in the brain to safely negotiate cars by judging distances and perspective etc until they are at least 7yo

perhaps you could talk to MIL about that ?

that research would have been done since her own children were little

Riveninside · 04/07/2011 10:37

Going against the grain here but i think p,aying out in a cul de sac at five is perfectly fine. I think we are a tad over protective and hovering in this country.
I think your dd probably has a great time and is learning a huge amount.

But your dh shouldnt swap sides.

kerstina · 04/07/2011 13:05

Agree with Riven was thinking it would be a real shame to stop her playing with her little friends. Not many kids are allowed to play out these days because of all the fears and anxieties we have ,hyped up by the media. If i want my son to play out after school it always has to be play dates or meeting up with friends with me in the park. There are a couple of kids his age across our quiet road but he has not had the chance to get to know them.
At the end of the day there is a risk associated with most things in life and your mil is probably on the relaxed side of parenting rather than helicopter !

ItsGrimUpNorth · 04/07/2011 13:59

She doesn't need to stop playing with her friends at all but an eye definitely needs to be kept out for her.

I wouldn't be concerned about the abduction issue - that's very rare and the risk is not different to how it was 30 years ago - but you know, cars, tumbles etc. And if your mil is at the back of the house, well, that's not really on imo. She hasn't got a clue what's going on.

See, I don't think that's helicopter parenting at all. I think for a five year old child, it's common sense. Helicopter parenting would be out there in the cul de sac the whole time. Big difference.

Op, make sure you feel happy with what supervision your dd is getting.

kirsty75005 · 04/07/2011 15:13

Hum. Something stands out from the commentaries: most people seem to think that the roads are more dangerous than they used to be in the 70s. They're not, they're much safer - the number of deaths on the road has been divided by about 4 since the 70s. Cars were far more frequently driven at lethal speed 30 years ago.
Couldn't find the statistics for the UK (they seem to be behind a paywall) but I have statistics for France, which I guess are similar. Under-15s are by far the age group least likely to be killed as pedestrians- about 20 deaths a year, 10 times fewer deaths than over-75s- though they are more likely to be injured. The most dangerous age for young pedestrians is about 11-12 years old, when the child enters secondary school and has to start dealing with traffic by themselves - and for this reason many traffic safety organisations don't recommend overprotection, which can be counterproductive.

RoseC · 04/07/2011 16:18

kirsty according to the figures from my road safety lectures (taken from govt stats) the UK has the highest child KSI (killed and seriously injured) rate of any highly motorised country - even Malta has a lower rate than the UK. The ten year reduction target was overachieved, so since 2000 there has been at least a 61% decrease in child KSIs (2010 figures weren't out in March when lecture was given). In 2009 there were 2,222 fatalities in total on UK roads, 27,000 seriously injured and 222,146 injuries. These figures are only compiled from collisions were police were in attendance. The most dangerous roads in Britain are urban.

I'm not saying this to scaremonger, and teaching children about road safety is vitally important, but if the OP feels her child isn't safe then she should stick with her instincts.

RoseC · 04/07/2011 16:19

Should make it clear - those 2009 fatalities/seriously injured etc. figures are for ALL road users, not just child pedestrians.

TheFarSideOfFuck · 04/07/2011 16:34

statistics mean fuck-all to me

when my child was 5, there is no way she would play in the street unsupervised

I don't care if only one child in a gazillion is killed on the road, it ain't gonna be mine

my opinion may be swayed though, by the fact I work on a childrens Intensive Care Unit, so see the results of RTA's day in, day out