...not to go to Zimbabwe after all even though I promised my friend and her children?

[amsterdamster]

Hi everyone,
Am new here, heard of MN on the grapevine and there seems to be generally good advice on here so thought I would post my current dilemma!
This year I have been to South Africa three times for business and personal reasons, while I was there I met a lady from Zimbabwe - she was renting a room from another friend's uncle and when visiting the uncle me and this lady hit it off straight away, she is very funny and easy to talk to. Her children also warmed to me and they soon started calling me Auntie and I in turn took them to the mall, movies, theme park etc.
A couple of weeks before my last trip there which was about a month ago her mother passed away in Zim and she asked me if I could come to the funeral. I couldn't drop everything what with family and work commitments but I did see her in South Africa during my last visit. She was very keen for me to come to Zim and I agreed I would next time as she seemed in need of comfort and rather lonely in South Africa. I was meant to be going to Amsterdam in two weeks and so thought I would tack the trip on the end alongside a voluntary work course.
However, I'm now rather put off the idea for a few reasons: not only is it a LOT of money for the ticket, she's going to expect me to buy them stuff all the time when I'm over there (the kids actually list presents they want!) and now she's bringing up the lawyer costs of her mum's will $500 which she "doesn't have " and I assume she thinks I will donate...they seem to assume I'm made of money, mean I'm comfortable enough but it's not a bottomless pit! Although I'm happy to help with small bits and bobs I have got my own kids to think of. She also mentioned me being able to help her to "cross" into London/A'dam which under no circumstances do I want to be involved with and that she wants to leave her husband permanently as he's always broke.
How do I get out of this one without disappointing her and her kids? Is that fair to go back on the promise of the Zim trip? Please let me know your thoughts! I don't have to do the work course, so it's easy to get out of, it's only this that's the issue.

I knew a woman from Haiti who had one sob story after another. Couldn't get away from her as she was a neighbour. I ended up feeding her children quite a bit because I didn't like to see them go hungry. She bought my DD2 some really expensive little dresses when she was born -- nothing added up. She finally spun a yarn to our landlord about a sister on the other side of the country, that she was moving there on X date, then disappeared a week before then, leaving rent unpaid and the apartment in a horrible state.

Are you sure she never caught sight of your credit card numbers, etc?

We lived in Thailand for four years. I have met umpteen women with the same or similar stories.
You've had a lucky escape.

Put it down to experience. She is definitely trying to scam you. Change your number or block her calls. Then if harassment continues - you may have to report it. Sadly, she may be doing what she feels she must for her family or in a more sinister side, she may be part of a scamming gang.

Whatever you do, break of ALL contact. You are not responsible for her and this could become very ugly.

She called me (only!) twice last night - again in the middle of the night. As much as I don't like to be mean I am completely ignoring any calls/texts now as I don't want it to snowball. I think the mother probably did die as the brother, kids and so on were also telling me about it and she did go back to Zimbabwe for the funeral, although you never know. Luckily she's never seen my cards. Interesting to see you guys had similar experiences - how did you deal with them?

This woman is trying to take advantage of you because she thinks you have a lot of money (by Zimbabwean standards you almost certainly do.) She is probably also trying to get a visa. That doesn't necessarily mean that she can't also be a friend or that she's an intrinsically cynical person, but many people from this country are desperate and have to do fairly cynical things. If she is willing to take advantage of you, you are well within your rights to ignore requests for money and help and certainly should feel under any obligation to pay for a lawyer or to fly over there when she requests it. If you can afford it and don't mind paying for this, pay for it and consider it charity. But don't pay it out because you think you owe her as a friend. If she is capable of being a real friend, she will understand it if you politely decline. If not, cut your losses and be thankful you didn't get taken advantage of.

OP, please don't go.

That you were even considering this!

It doesn't matter what country you are in there is always someone willing to take you for a ride, that applies to the UK as well. Sadly the situation in Zimbabwe is currently diabolical and so people are willing to do extreme things to ensure their families survive. I suspect we would all do the same if we lived in those conditions.

Obviously the zim lady may not have been living in appaling conditions and may just be a crook but it is doubtfull.

Can I ask what part of Zim this lady wanted you to travel to?

Her mother is from Bulawayo, the father from Mutare. She was living with her family in South Africa when I met her and still does - in a not particularly nice but not terrible either 2 bedroom apartment.
I understand she doesn't have much money esp by Western standards and I do feel pity for her and the kids which is why I considered it, I know desperation can often to a need for certain cunning behaviour...but as when I politely declined she turned nasty and tried all the emotional blackmail I'm starting to lose my sympathy a tad.
Obv this can happen anywhere as other posters have shown from their experiences. But in this case I've had to go back on what I said because alarm bells were just ringing too loudly!

I am also that you were considering accompanying this woman to a huge and virtually lawless country. Mobile networks are dodgy and so are landlines. 73 of 142 British nationals seeking help from the British embassy in the last 12 months or so had suffered the loss or theft of a passport.

She will find another mark to cultivate and you will be off the hook.

Mmm, well yes, although to be fair I have known a couple of people who have gone and enjoyed it (staying away from all the politics) and it's not like there's a civil war like in Somalia or somewhere.
I was worried about the phones though while considering it - ironically as it should be the least of worries (amazing how we're so dependent on mobiles now but I digress)
Got a few more pleading messages today. Wish she would just GO AWAY now!!

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine.

Really friendly at first.
Sob stories. (may be true, even if true, should not be "used")
Followed by:
Requests.

You need to forget about not being mean or rude. You need to cut this off in no uncertain terms and I would be blocking the calls/changing number etc. You are a very nice person, that's why this happened to you. Same for my friend. And I second the unfortunate point made about the fact that once you cut her off, she'll go for someone else. This is how these people operate.

Thank you greycircles, I really do appreciate the advice. Talking about this here has really helped me get this into perspective.
Listing items and constant sob stories are bound to make someone tired of the whole thing - as you say should not be used and definitely the wrong way to go about it!!

I am from Zim, stay well away from her. She is a scammer

Have you had a similar experience feistychickfightingthebull?