to be angry that DH doesn't care about household problems?

[marykat2004]

I came home at 4:30 today, to find DH lying on the sofa, while there was water all over the floor from the fridge leaking. This has happened before, leaking fridge, and even when I was on crutches DH either didn't notice the water all over the floor or didn't care to clean it up.

Then I said "ok, now it's really time to get a new fridge" because it was way more water than usual, and was leaking from the back this time, not overflowing inside. So I went online to buy a fridge.

Meanwhile DD wanted to go outside to play. This requires an adult because we live on an estate and DD is 6. DH wanted to go in the bedroom and take a nap. WTF? I told him no, he had to take DD out while I sort out the fridge. He was not pleased about this.

Sorry to vent but it just pisses me off. DH has health problems and can't work but he has plenty of energy to read books, do his own thing all day, but when it comes to either household chores or childcare, he just wants to sleep.

After I ordered a new fridge (that we can't afford, more stress), DH went to sleep for 3 hours. I am so sick of him napping for 3-4 hours the same 3-4 hours that DD is home from school. Or is it me? Should I be more understanding because he is ill?

As to the OP, your DH sounds like he has let himself get depressed through inactivity.

Once you get into inertia mode, doing anything at can seem like too much effort.

But it's not a good place to be - sick, tired, feeling like everything is beyond you. It must be very hard to live with, but I think this is one of those "in sickness" times - he probably needs your help now (even if it does come with a side order of kick in the backside).

As an ex cardiac nurse with an OH who has a major cardiac condition in my 'caring' head I'm wondering if he's depressed, as a non nurse person kick his ass.

yes Beta blockers can make you tired but thats normally when you first start on them for about 2-3 weeks while the body adjusts.

what other meds is he on, does he need a medication review?

When was your dh's last hospital check up? Maybe he needs reassurance that his condition is not life-threatening, and that he isn't a chronic invalid?

Go with him to your GP to if a change or alteration in his meds will help, and ask for him to be referred for counselling, physio, or any other resource that you believe may be of use to him.

Also look online to see if there are any support groups that can provide useful tips on living with, and improving, your dh's condition - diet, exercise, alternative therapies etc.

Without knowing his usual sleep/waking routine, could he perhaps get up earlier in the morning and have a nap between say, 1-3.30pm so that he is less sleepy when your dd comes home from school?

As it's clear that your dh is not incapacitated, it's up to you to put your foot down encourage him to do his fair share of chores otherwise your relationship will suffer if he becomes, effectively, your second child rather than your equal partner.

Did your dh miss out in his education? If there are gaps in his knowledge maybe you could look at adult literacy, basic numeracy, computers for beginners, or similar courses that may be of benefit to him, and will also get him out the house and interracting with others.

As Adversecamber, firsttimum, and supersalstrawberry have testified. there can be full and active life after a 'heart condition' diagnosis, and I hope that you and your dh will take heart (no pun intended) from their words.

thank you, Izzywhizzy. Actually DH is starting some counseling next week. And I think the education thing is a big part of it. With DD in year 1 and learning to read, it may be depressing DH even more, because he was dyslexic in a generation where dyslexia didn't exist, and he therefore was dumped in into the "thick" pile in a school that wasn't that great anyway.

Yeah, I wonder, too., how we get end up with these men. We've been together 15 years now. We didn't initially want children, but as the clock ticked DH did agree to try for a baby. At that point I think we were half expecting to already be too old. Perhaps this needs to be talked about more - having children later you can run into health problems. We are well into our 40s now - DH will be 50 this year - and it is hard with his health like this.

Please don't beat yourself up. Ill-health can strike young and old alike, and many 'older' parents put their younger counterparts to shame in terms of vitality and zest for life.

I suspect that, among other things, your dh is suffering from low self-esteem particularly if he hasn't 'achieved' in a material sense (i.e earned shedloads) since he left school. He may also be looking at your dd effortlessly learning to read, and seeing all of the joys of learning ahead of her that were denied to him - but the old adage is true 'you're never too old to learn'.

50 is a milestone 'coming of age' where some may take stock of their lives and see the glass more than half empty in chronological terms. It could also be that he's looking back with some regret at lost opportunities that he believes won't come by again because he's too 'old', and because he also has a 'heart condition' to contend with.

I'm sure you can empathise with him, but don't allow your sympathy to let him off the metaphorical hook because he needs to come to a realisation that it is what it is and that, if he puts his mind to it, he can improve his quality of life and enrich his relationship with you and your dd.

Some of the most interesting and entertaining people I know have had very little formal education, but they've attended the university of life and have much wisdom to impart to those who care to listen.

Watch nature/wildlife programmes on tv/the internet and discuss what you've seen, and try to get him to an art gallery or museum so that he can realise that an extensive knowledge of words and numbers is not the only means of communication available to us, or the only currency by which our worth is valued.

Perhaps an adult day or evening class in a creative art - painting, pottery, card-making, crafting, upholstery, etc would boost his self-esteem and confidence?

I'm an advocate of fresh air to counteract the stultifying effect of depression; a gentle amble to a local park or even the local should go some way to liftng his spirits (mine's a pint of bitter).

On your dh's birthday give him a big hug, tell him that this is the first day of the rest of his life and that, from now on, it's going to get better. If you can both sustain a belief that your life together can improve, it will!

Thank you for taking so much time to respond, Izzy.

People's lives are too complicated for a discussion forum like this. For one, the pub is out, as the initial cause of DH's heart failure was alcoholism. He's been over 2 years dry and quite accepting of it, and is able to go to pubs and drink soft drinks. But our local has banned children even from the beer garden so that's that.

I wouldn't say DD is 'effortlessly' learning to read. All parents want their children to be clever, and/or believe their children are clever. DD is already showing signs of laziness and stubborness. She gives up easily on her homework, and outright refuses to pick up after herself.