Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that my mother won't change her long weekend plans..

53 replies

stella1w · 28/06/2011 21:48

.. despite saying she would look after my 3 year old daughter if I went into labour..

I am single, and was due around 21 June. So far, no sign, and in theory they could let me go until 5 July or even beyond. As the baby is big, they might even skip induction and move straight to C-section.

But my mother has booked to go to France for a long weekend from 7-11 July.
(Background - she goes on a LOT of holidays, short and long haul). And my birthing partner is away for the same period.

I don't care if I give birth alone but am really worried about my dd.

As the baby is showing no signs of arriving and as I may end up with a c-section, I asked my mother she would consider changing her plans and she said no. She later accused me of emotional blackmail and of course said I should think of the "consequences."

I called my aunt (and daughter's guardian) to see if she could help and she said she could do the first two days but then had a visitor she could not put off and wanted to watch the grand prix at home on the Sunday.

I am so worried about being late and having no one to take care of dd, I am considering opting for an elective csection which might make things easier to plan although of course would require a longer stay in hospital and thus maybe more childcare issues.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Inertia · 28/06/2011 23:10

I missed the post about nursery- I bet if you explained the situation to the nursery manager, there would be at least a couple of nursery staff willing to step in as emergency babysitter. When our girls were at nursery and we needed a babysitter, we've asked the nursery staff and it worked out well because the children knew them already.

MsWeatherwax · 29/06/2011 11:16

This is one of the uses of foster care - if you do get into this situation your local Social Services will have a foster carer who will look after your daughter for a day or two who will be experienced and obviously vetted (less scary than getting to the desperate stage of trusting a stranger). I've researched foster care in the past because I quite fancy doing it and that's how I know.

I think it's quite shocking that your mum won't help! And your aunt with the Grand Prix! Some people...

MumblingRagDoll · 29/06/2011 11:19

Well I thnk most parents would eel very anxious about that route MSWeatherwax

Surely a last resort.

feckwit · 29/06/2011 11:25

What area are you? I work for Sitters and do some private babysitting, might there be others on here who could be called in an emergancy ( I know I would be happy to do that) and you could meet them a few times over the next few days so you feel comfortable?

HyenaInPetticoats · 29/06/2011 11:50

Stella, have you thought about sticking with the homebirth plan and having a doula? One of the things they do is help to care for older children. It might mean having your daughter in the house while you give birth, but that can be fine - my 4yr old was around for most of his brother's birth and went off to bed just before things got interesting. Doulas UK is meant to be a good source, or you might get more experienced advice on the homebirth.org.uk website. Though I second the idea that your friends will probably be delighted to help.

Kewcumber · 29/06/2011 11:58

I seem to recall that a mumsnetter who needed to go into hosptial quite recently uses emergency foster care for her two children. I don;t how it worked out in the end but the early part of the process was fine and not at all intimidating.

I'll see if I can find the thread.

lachesis · 29/06/2011 12:03

I can't believe your mother and so-called guardian would do this to you and their granddaughter/grandniece. A long weekend holiday? A blood car race? V. a child going to foster care whilst her mother has a baby/is in hospital?

Yes, change your guardian plans.

I think I'd change my relationship with both of them as well.

Original poster
stella1w · 01/07/2011 08:33

thanks for all the support. I had a false alarm re going into labour and now nothing!
I will ask friends and nursery. As a single mother I am a bit worried about getting foster care/social services involved.
Let's hope the baby arrives this weekend!

OP posts:
LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 01/07/2011 08:39

Please speak to your mother again and tell her that the only option you have left is social services. I'm sure she wouldn't dream of letting that happen. You don't have to ask her again just call her and say how worried you are thatNO-ONE will help and your going to have to put her in foster care.

EightiesChick · 01/07/2011 08:54

Quite a few of the staff at my DS's nursery also do babysitting on the side. I would definitely explore this option - bet they would be glad to help (plus it's extra money). Or, as has been said you could book a babysitter through an agency who is willing to do a last minute notice thing like this and have them come and meet your DD in advance. I would do that rather than rely on people like your relatives who IMO are being incredibly unhelpful. Remember this next time either of them expects anything from you. I'd be tempted to forget both their birthdays for some years to come and then when it's mentioned say 'Oh, sorry, I was on a long weekend away.. / I was watching the grand prix, you know how it is...'

diddl · 01/07/2011 08:57

Hang on, your mum isn´t your birthing partner?

So how come she´s expected to change her plans & not your birthing partner?

HelloKlitty · 01/07/2011 09:09

Er...because she's her MUM?

diddl · 01/07/2011 09:17

So?

Why is she getting it in the neck/expected to change her plans when it´s the BP that will be away?

SarahBumBarer · 01/07/2011 09:17

Because *diddl" as the OP states she does not care about giving birth alone if it comes to it but is (quite selflessly IMO) concerned about who will care for her daughter.

OP Yanbu but I am surprised that it is your mum you are so disappointed with and not your aunt who sounds extraordinarly self-absorbed and definitely not a good guardian choice. Your mum coud be a bit more - well - "mum-like" admittedly but your aunt is not doing ANYTHING that could not be done whilst also caring for your dd.

pingu2209 · 01/07/2011 09:28

Do you have any friend's you can ask. You would be surprised how genuinely helpful people can be, even if they are just mums you chat to in the playground/toddler group.

Alternatively, would you ask your local vicar? My vicar and regular parisheners would be more than happy to help out someone. This is a Christian duty.

diddl · 01/07/2011 09:31

I missed the first sentence of the OPBlush

In which case I wouldn´t expect my mum to be going out of the country!

Also getting confused thinking that Mum was back up for BP.

Aunt sounds pretty selfish as well!

Am off out for some fresh air-might clear my head!

Sorry OP-of course YANBU.

clappyhands · 01/07/2011 09:37

stella1w, yanbu!

hope everything is going well and your are nesting away :)

Original poster
stella1w · 01/07/2011 16:05

just to clarify - my mum was to look after my dd and my neighbour/friend was to be my birthing partner.. they are both out of the country from thurs 5th July to the following Monday. My birthing partner has to get a family house ready that's about to be sold and - as I said - if push comes to shove, I can give birth alone. My mother is going on a long weekend to South of France by train (which presumably is a lot more changeable than a plane ticket), and also must have realised I was giving birth around then when she booked it. My main concern is having someone to take care of dd who has never been away from me in the 3.5 years of her life.
July 5 is exactly two weeks after my due date, so I guess people assumed that I would have had the baby by then. On the other hand, it's very possible for people to go two weeks late and beyond..
Maybe I should have flagged that up earlier when talking to Mum and birthing partner ie. discussed that I could go two weeks late rather than let everyone fix on a date in June as a magic date.
Some friends (who have two young children and both work) have kindly said they will take dd, so hopefully that will work.
And I have learned some interesting lessons about my family!!

OP posts:
eurochick · 01/07/2011 16:15

I am glad you have found other options. I am quite shocked by your mother but flabbergasted by your aunt preferring to watch the F1...

emsies · 01/07/2011 16:25

I'm surprised people assume that a mum would be around for a whole month myself but that's because my mum is rubbish like that. She came to visit my daughter the day after we had her and that was it. My dad thought it was ok to come and visit twice in 2 years..

We are also facing childcare issues with having number 2. I have me/cfs and am terrified about coping for the first few weeks.

I think if you have a good income its worth investing in a mothers-help etc but we really have no money at the moment so I'm scared silly!

sweetness86 · 01/07/2011 16:25

YANBU Thats shocking I would get some more supportive people behind you if you can .
I think its quite bad thy have all let oyu down like this and you do need help and support I hope things work out and I would evaluate these relationships pronto!

fallon8 · 01/07/2011 16:30

But why are in this situation in the first place? . if i was your mother,i cetainly wouldnt change my plans,you knew what you were letting yourself in for,this is how its going to be and she has probably twigged that you are always going to be expecting her to drop everyhting and jsut appear,honey,she has her own life to lead,sory.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 01/07/2011 16:42

The OP is hardly "expecting her to drop everything" is she, Fallon? As she agreed to watch the OPs DC while she gives birth, she should have booked her holiday well after the due date, not a mere 2 weeks after it.

And if you're trying to have a dig at her being a pregnant single mother, don't bother.

OP Glad you've got an alternative option now. Definitely change your child's guardian - who'd want their child to go to someone who prioritises a car race over the child?!

Original poster
stella1w · 06/07/2011 01:15

happily ds decided to arrive early sunday morning thus resolving the issue of whether mum or birth partner would be around!

OP posts:
KaraJS · 06/07/2011 01:34

Good good glad it worked out well!