to tell one of my closest friends that her daughter is giving my daughter a hard time at school?

[Restrainedrabbit]

I genuinely don't know if I should say something, I wouldn't say it was bullying but she is not very nice to my DD (name calling and general verbal unkindness). They are both 5 so in reception.

Have done the ignore chat with my DD and talked about not being able to get on with everyone and managing social interactions but she is still struggling to deal with this girl.

If it was my DD I'd think I'd prefer my friend to talk to me first before talking to teachers etc.

WWYD?

Do they get on out of school still?

Could you ask your friend's advice on what to do? Tackle it obliquely...

"X, I'm really worried about DD. Some of the other kids have been saying some really nasty things to her and she's really upset. I don't suppose you could have a word with XDD and ask her to stick up for DD while we work on some confidence strategies?"

If it is worrying your dd that much I think you should be her advocate and talk to your friend.
As someone said the school can really only hear whats said in the classroom , thay can't be with them all the time in the playground where it may be happening most.

I agree with Dolly - let school deal with it. It depersonalises the situation so it is the behaviour which becomes the focus. That way you may still have a friendship. Obviously if it also happens outside school then you/her mum will have to .

Just leave it to the school, they have had years of experience. If they eventually do have to talk to your friend, which is unlikely, then just explain it genuinely seemed best to leave it with school. I have never known talking to the parent to be a good thing. Chances are your friends Dd will have mentioned it to her mum, but obviously from her side and this will be different from your dds and you'll feel upset if your friend tells you this so one way or another it will cause unnecessary awkwardness. In the meantime the dds will have moved on and your friendship will be much cooler if it even survives.

I am a coward. This has/is happening to my ds1 with a friend of his. My friend (his mum) picked up on my odd behaviour as I didn't know what to say. Eventually I spoke to the school who watched the boy's behaviour for a few days and agreed bullying was going on (they were age 7).

The school spoke to the boy's mum and she was horrified and said that there was no way her son would do any of what the school were saying. I had witnessed quite a lot of the things her son did but she did not believe it.

We are now at a stand still with her not believing her son could do anything like the things the school has raised. I clearly know absolutely that he does.

Go to the school.

I had the receiving end of this, where my 10 yr old was being rough with another boy, who happened to be the son of a good friend. She was raising it with the school and so I was really pleased she raised it with me first. Obviously I roasted him at home, but I was also pleased to be aware that he was going to be told off at school, IYKWIM, so I could be prepared for the fall out the next day. It also meant I could give him help and advice about how he was playing and also make sure he apologised to those who were upset. Hasn't ruined our friendship but we both recognise our kids are v. different people....

Some great advice here. Don't speak to your friend. You can control the interaction these girls have outside school. Stay close and pull the girl up when you hear her being rude, this is good modelling for your daughter to Copy.

You are not at school to help your daughter so you must speak to them. I think you should tell the school what you have witnessed, what your daughter has said and how it affects her. Tell the teacher you want it nipped in the bud so hopefully their friendship can get back on track. Put a follow up meeting in diary. The teacher may set aside a carpet time to talk about friendships and remind the children how to tackle it- including telling an adult.

Outside of school do not have any playmates with this girl for a few weeks and only if your daughter wants it.

Nip it in the bud. This is an important stepping stone for your daughter to learn how to tackle difficult situations, but also that adults can help so no need to suffer.

Oh and yes, the school can be with them in the playground. That is what the lunchtime assistants are there for. Especially in such young children.