To be seriously pissed off with my mother

[Lauzifer]

I've just had a huge argument with my mother and i'm shaking with rage. She doesn't work and hasn't for about 10 years, she's nearly 60 and my parents live off my dads wage alone. My father gets paid monthly but 2 weeks into the month my mother rings me up begging for money because she can't afford food/electric/gas etc.

I've just had my first child and she doesn't seem to understand that i can't afford to lend her money every month. She doesn't do this to just me either she rings up many various family members and begs them for money. I wouldn't mind if i had the money but it's the fact that she spends my fathers wages on alcohol and fags so there's no wonder there's no money left to pay for the bills.

In the past i've always lent her money because i would feel sorry for my dad, he works his arse off and doesn't see any of his wages (Mother takes care of the finances). But this week i've put my foot down, i can't afford to be lending her money when i've got my own house to keep over my head.

Anyway she's just left me a nasty voicemail to say she's very disapointed in me and basically piling on the guilt. I can't decide if i should cry or punch something. :(

nope not at all

whilst you are about it, make it clear that you will never lend her money again, so not to bother asking.

presumably there is no reason why she couldnt get a job- checkout assistant or something. dont feel sorry for your dad, he allows her to do it.

money and families dont mix.

I think it's perfectly fair to tell her that once she gives up the alcohol and fags and can then show you a bankstatement to show she is not prioritising other luxuries you will then lend her money. (If indeed you wanted to. Your money is yours to do what you like with).

I really think you don't need a person like this in your life unless they are prepared to treat YOU as another human being. Honestly, what are you getting from her except annoyance and guilt?

difficult situation to be in - poor you! But you did the right thing by putting your foot down. Never lend her money again.

Can your Dad not take control of the finances?

You should tell her to grow up!

You are not her overdraft. If she can't manage her money, then she needs to learn. What a nerve she's got. She clearly feels she has the right to your money.

In your shoes, I'd be closing the bank. Permanantly.

I'd also phone dad and tell him sorry, I just can't afford to lend you guys money every month. Mum is really cross with me, but I have my children to feed.

If she is so unreasonable and entitled, perhaps he can talk some sense into her.

Also I think a word with dad about why he isn't taking more control of his own home life and finances might be in order.

So why doesn't she work? Tell her to get a job!

Surely it's not "lending", either, unless she pays you back - does she?

Don't lend her the money. She and your father need to manage their finances together. Clearly expenditure exceeds income and this needs to be addressed by increasing income - your mum getting a job or cutting back on non-essentials.
You are enabling her - stop it now!!

She pays it back sometimes, but after she's paid back all the money she owes various people she ends up skint again.

My dad has never taken control of the family finances, i don't think he's ever used a cash machine. He knows my mum is useless with money but would rather bury his head in the sand.

My mum became dependant on alcohol 10 years ago and quit her job, she hasn't looked for one since and probably wont because she has too many health problems connected to the alcoholism.

So she's not even borrowing from you? She's taking from you?

No. You have to stop. You are not helping her by keep bailing her out. You think you are, but you're not. You're enabling her.

My dad has given up, he gave up a long time ago. He worships my mum though and would never leave her, he just doesn't know how to deal with her addiction and depression. That's why i've always given in and lent her the money because i can't bear the thought of my dad going without.
I know i'm not helping the situation by bailing her out but i'm too soft when it comes to putting my foot down. I can't win either way if i don't lend her money i feel guilty and get upset but if i do lend her the money then i get a lecture from my dp because he's getting fed up of her always begging us.

YANBU....what a sad state of affairs.

Without meaning to sound harsh your dad needs to "man up" and take control of the finances!!! MY BIL's wife used to be in charge of theirs and they were always in loads of debt...he finally took control and now things are better, no debt etc etc....

Dont lend her anymore, you arent helping her, she will never be grateful and it will be a never ending vicious circle.

Thanks for the suggestions :) i will contact al-anon and look at the relationships board

Sigh...my dad's sort of the same. He managed to spend all his wages every month on himself when I was growing up so that my mom, brother and I were all left without decent food and clothes. He is now a widower and having blown the life-insurance, sold his home and blown the profits then getting himself into debt he now thinks I'm his cash cow. Even while I was a student living on pasta he still thought I was better off than him and asked me for money. Recently I have had the promise of a good job with higher salary and he asked, I kid you not, if he could have a part of my salary each month. I said NO, forget it.

My father is hopeless and like an overgrown child. I pity him and I feel upset and sadness when he wants something from me and I refuse to give it. Same feeling I get from my toddler demanding something I know isn't good for her. The analogy of a toddler has helped me distance myself from my fathers pleas, maybe it can do the same for you? In my case I've given up hope that I can chnage my dad so I focus on what I can change for the better - my life and that of my dd. I can raise at least one toddler ! Don't be too hard on yourself, its normal too feel upset but you should stop helping. Perhaps if your dad goes without food he'll realise he has to do something.