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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my Dad to see my baby

38 replies

wakarimasen · 26/06/2011 20:39

Hello,

Looking for a bit of advice here. I am 6 months pregnant with my first child.

When I was growing up, my father had a serious alcohol problem and was agressive and abusive to my mother and me. This was often verbal / emotional abuse, throwing us out on the street when I was 15, punching holes in the walls of the house and generally making my life a misery. I left home at 17 and maintained some contact but this stopped completely just before my wedding 5 years ago. I have been so much happier and contented without him in my life and have began to feel settled in life.

Now he knows I am pregnant (I still have limited contact with my mother) he has been in touch and i have made it clear I am not interested in a reconcilliation. I have recently heard from my brother that my Dad is threatening to take me to court in order to see my baby when it's born. I am so upset and angry that I am shaking and I am so scared he's going to cause upset all over again.

I just want him to leave me alone and get on with my life - is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 26/06/2011 22:52

Loonytoonie I thought that about the OP's mum too. Unfortunately, OP, you may have to take a hard line on that with her and make it clear there will be serious consequences for her relationship with her grandchild if she helps your father to gain contact.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/06/2011 22:52

Sorry if someone has said this, and being doom and gloomy Grin Make sure you and DP/H have a Will that specifies who will have the baby if you die. You don't want him coming out of the woodwork then either.

Good luck with the new LO!

Original poster
wakarimasen · 27/06/2011 07:43

People say he has changed and is much better but I am not willing to forgive the past and won't take the risk. My mum could not be trusted not to help him gain access so any contact she has will be with me present. Didn't sleep a wink last night :(

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 27/06/2011 08:03

Well, he clearly hasn't changed if he's willing to threaten a pregnant woman with court in order to gain access to her child.

If he'd actually changed, he'd be asking your forgiveness, making overtures to be allowed to slowly rebuild the relationship, he'd be understanding that you would be wary of him given the history and willing to take a step back, be willing to take as long as it takes, etc. But no, he's resorted to threatening and upsetting you. That in and of itself is enough proof that you're doing the right thing, I'm afraid.

spookshowangel · 27/06/2011 08:03

my dc children dont see my dad or any of my step brothers from my dad or from my mum, i dont feel any remorse about this, nor will they ever see them. they do not need people in their lives that will not enhance their childhood. its fine let him bluster about taking you to court etc, you just say thats fine i can tell them and everyone about how you use to beat the shit out of me and my mum and i am sure the court will be happy to award a restraining order and he will leave you alone. because ultimately he will be a coward about it and not want his name dragged through the mud.

TheOriginalFAB · 27/06/2011 08:05

YANBU.

I have been in your situation to a degree and also saw a solicitor as my mother was threatening access to the grand children she said she was entitled to see even though she abandoned me.

Do what is best for you and what is best for your baby. What is best for your baby is for you to be happy and settled.

honeyandsalt · 27/06/2011 09:27

You know friends of mine ended up in a similar situation - her FIL and MIL were completely vile to her, and then threatened court for access . They got her dad and his solicitor to deal with it, even though they were obviously in the right. Just made them feel they weren't in the firing line anymore, bit of a legal bodyguard. Either try legal aid: legalservices.gov.uk/aboutus/contactus/our_local_offices.asp or if you can afford get in touch with a local soliticor and get them to send your father a letter. Warning shot. He'll probably just back the hell off.

He's blustering because he has no power over you anymore. None. Zippo. Zilch. He is the bug in your soup, the seagull trying to nip your chips, and he'll fade out again. Here, have some tea.

giraffesCantZumba · 27/06/2011 09:29

you are not being unreasonable. My mother was abusive and i now dont speak to her. Wouldnt want her having anything to do with my children.

Tchootnika · 27/06/2011 10:15

OP, YAclearlyNBU, it's awful to have your happiness and sense of security eroded by someone who bullied and abused you when you were a child. Sorry if it's a really, really obvious thing to say, and I know it doesn't make things much easier re. your mother's pressurising you in all this, but please hang on to fact that your father's threats of contact orders are completely empty. Please keep remembering that there's really not a thing he can do in this respect.

VeronicaCake · 27/06/2011 11:02

He is a bully and this is bullying. Ignore. There is no way he'll be able to get contact through the courts. You are in control here, he doesn't like it and that is why he is acting like a knob.

My Dad (we have a better relationship than you have with your Dad but it is still a bit iffy) made similar comments when I was pregnant. I ignored them. But DH and I did make wills before DD's birth appointing guardians and a trustee for DD in the event of our deaths so that there was no chance of him causing trouble in the event of a tragedy.

BobbaFettBountyHunter · 27/06/2011 11:12

I would talk to your brother asap with regards to this, he seems happy enough to pass on messages to you from your Dad so he can't mind too much being in the middle. Tell him under no circumstances will your father be seeing your child. Ever, and that he can threaten all he likes with court because you know for a fact he has no leg to stand on. Then call your mother and firmly tell her you will not be bullied like this and how horrendous it is that she has allowed him to spout such nonsense whilst you are pregnant. Then hang up and hold your head up high, stick on some Limp Bizkit (Break Stuff) and sing loudly :D

Original poster
wakarimasen · 27/06/2011 19:58

Thanks for the comforting comments. It's good to know that a court would be unlikely to enforce anything. Just going to ignore him and keep distance from mum for a while. I am also going to go to get my will updated when I finish up at work next week. Thanks people :)

OP posts:
honeyandsalt · 27/06/2011 20:37

Ace! Good to know.

Re your mum I sometimes think families get so blinded by their relation's good sides that they overlook, gloss over and otherwise accept grossly unacceptable and unreasonable behaviour. Good on you for drawing a line in the sand, it'll be much easier in the long run.

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