a child sent home at 11pm?

[Mamateur]

I have had a crash course in parenting teenagers since we took over the full care of DP's nephew in September, he's 13. He went out yesterday to play football with his friends, including one who is his best friend at school. We haven't met him but his form teacher told me he was a nice kid. DN won't bring anyone home. So plenty of time before he was due back he called to ask if he could stay over at this friends house. I said yes, if they were definitely going to be in the house, absolutely no going out and I must speak to the father (no mother around). THe father called us back and spoke to DP, rambling a bit, said there were 6 kids there all playing xbox. We said our rules were he had to be in.

DN turned up at the house at 11pm saying the dad had said he felt ill and kicked them out.

We live in north london. He came home on the bus (not far).

I'm pretty furious - surely this isn't normal?

I would second everything that gethelp has said but adding the proviso that even with cast iron planning, the unexpected will still happen.
This weekend my DD went to a house party, plans in place for safe return etc, except all bags, phones, money etc stolen by gatecrashers - plans fell apart!
She got home safe and has had a valuable lesson about looking after her stuff.

I would not allow my children (12 and 15) to stay over at any house where I had not previously met the parents and knew little or nothing about them. I'm sorry the man was wrong but ultimately you are responsible for the boy's welfare. We live in London and my children don't "affect" accents.

I do appreciate I didn't do all the right things and thanks to all those who understand how difficult it is to parent a teenager, and more so when their not 'yours' and you've only just met them.

We did have the address and the mobile number of the father. It was definitely him we spoke to but he's clearly a rather limited individual.

DN has not made many friends at school and it seemed so harsh to stop him although we weren't happy after speaking to the dad. We have talked to him about always having his phone charged and I'll look into one of those battery gizmos.

Marshy, lucky your DD got home ok. Poor thing losing her stuff to gatecrashers.

You can never tell what folk think is appropriate.
MyDD was invited to stay overnight and then spend the next day at a (very posh) friend's house, along with two other girls. When she was returned in the evening it transpired that the friend's mother left the house at dawn to go to a horse event, leaving the four girls in the charge of an older brother, back from boarding school for the holidays.
He spent the day in bed.
The girls were SIX years old

PS I did know the mother; it never occurred to me that she would leave them .

YANBU - totally mad to chuck them out at that time of night! Same thing happened to DS1's friends a while back. 3 girls turned up to see him having been chucked out by the mum of the friend they were all supposed to be sleeping over with ( She had agreed to the sleepover and then randomly changed her mind!). It was midnight and they were all for going down to the beach to sleep - kids !! I stuck them in the car and drove them home. Some people have no sense of responsibility for other's kids.

DN is completely unfazed by it and seemed surprised we thought it was a problem. Of course, I don't know what experiences he's had up till now.

We're not going to say anything to the dad, doesn't seem much point. The problem is all his friends seem to have quite loose arrangements with their parents.

I just want to praise you and your DP for taking on a 13 year old that you don't know very well, and to reassure you that it gets easier as they get older. I can't imagine being given a fully fledged teenager, without the benefit of the cute baby years to look back on when things got tough. Kudos to you both.

Thanks Agent

What is the dad's version of events?

kaid we haven't called the dad. There's no point.

We will just have to manage the situation better in the future. I'm not saying we would never let him go back there again, as this is his best friend at school. His only friend at school actually. But he now knows any change in plan means a call to us and his phone must be charged. We will be avoiding sleepovers like the plague unless they're at ours, which I would be more than happy to do.

Hi Mamateur, have we met?!

ooh, MrsAsp, how are you! How is your aspie?

You sound so sensible and calm. The good thing with these years is that, before you know it, things that seemed such a big deal for your baby to deal with suddenly become manageable and part of normal life. It's navigating towards that point in a way that avoids you falling out completely which is tricky .

Thought it was you. Wow your nephew is so lucky to have you.
State schools round those parts would have caused me to adopt a patois accent at age 13 too no doubt; cringe. It's CRUCIAL to fit in at that age, isn't it? Innit?
No wonder you're buggering off out of London. Where to I wonder (dreams of rural bliss....)
My Aspie is as funny as ever; he's not doing too great at the moment actually; pretty glum. I guess finding out in your forties that you have a condition that you'd never even heard of before is going to take some getting used to..
I was up your way a week or two ago actually, and that is prob the first time I have been since our meet up! Sad, but true..I liked it round there..
I've started up on my old thread again recently (AS DH thread) so pop by and say hi any time.
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