I have name changed for this and apologies if it is a long post.
the situation is that my dp's mum died recently - very unexpectedly and suddenly. She had 4 kids , with dp being the closest geograpically. it has been a pretty horrible time since she died and both dp and DD (4) have been distraught. DD spent every wednesday afternoon with her gran and it was a really special time in the week for them.
She was married (3rd hubby) to a man we have only superficially known for a few years. I never particularly liked him - hes a very angry man, full of the 'isms' and is always ranting about something. He is a very heavy drinker and was abusive to his wife. She called the police a couple of times because of this. He would openly insult her in front of us and in front of DD who absolutely loved her gran. I always intervened and would not allow comments like that from him, which he took as an insult to him.
I know nothing of his background - his previous life etc prior to him meeting DPs mum in 2006. He has always wanted to be a part of DDs life, which tbh I have never felt that comfortable about as i feel most times we have been in his company - he has not respected our 'rules.'
An example is a few weeks before her death when we were visiting, i was really uncomfortable with the way he was with dd. He kept asking her to come upstairs alone with him, taking her aside to give her chocolate in secret and telling her that her mum was silly and a spoilsport. It was his attitude that bugged me and after i had specifically said to him that i did not dd going upstairs without me, i found him standing at the top of the stairs calling out to her to come up and see him. At the time, i was angry but also confused as to why he wanted her on his own. I did say that if there was anything he wanted to show or tell her - it could be done downstairs with the others. He was not happy with this and we left after he told dd (in front of me )that her mum was a stuck up f*king cunt who deserved a good slapping.
this is not an isolated incident of him wanting to get her on his own - either outside to the shed, into the bathroom or upstairs but whilst he would usually sulk about my saying no - this time he went ape.
Fastforward a few weeks. His wife has died and its all a bit crap. he is ringing me up drunk every couple of nights saying that my dd is the only thing keeping him going, he wants her to come and visit / stay overnight and he wants to take over the wednesday afternoons. his mother whom i have only met a couple of times during the funeral etc has also rang me up saying that i have no right to keep him from DD.
i dont trust this man, i know very little of him and what i have seen shows him in my eyes to be abusive and controlling. Not the kind of man I want in her life.
am i being paranoid / unreasonable to actually never want this jumped up wee terrier of a man anywhere near my child??