To ask my OH to stop smoking...

[1Catherine1]

Sometimes when people post on this board they are quite sure what the response they're going to get is but in this case I really don't think it is that simple. My OH smokes and I don't. His smoking is only now starting to irritate me. I'm thinking of asking him to stop but I might just be being a bit selfish.

Reasons I shouldn't ask him
My OH was a smoker when I met him over 3 years ago, he has always made it clear that it is something he enjoys and he doesn't want to quit. He claims it is his one little pleasure.

Reasons I want him to
Firstly, and my strongest argument, we have a DD who is 13 weeks old. Although he doesn't smoke in the house he does come in smelling of smoke and is occasionally his reasoning for why he can't have DD when I need a break. He also belongs to the group of smokers that believe if they smoke outside near the baby it is safe.
My second argument is the cost. His habit costs us approximately £250 a month. He is also a big spender and likes to treat himself to nice (read expensive) things. This year he has already treated himself to a camera (~£250) and an exercise bike (£200) as where I have only treated myself to some new clothes (~£40) after I realized all my old ones were stretched and the reason a woman asked when my baby was due . So basically I'm jealous he gets so much more of our income for personal use (I regard it as a luxury and he regards it as a necessary expense) than I do and I'm angry that we could easily have a better standard of living if he'd quit. Next week we're going on holiday but this will be our last for a couple of years but we could sure afford another if he didn't spend that money.

Should I speak to him about it or am I just being unreasonable as this is the man I met. Am I asking him to change who he is? WWYD?

"His total disregard for our financial situation is"

YANBU ! Im sure hes great, but sounds like abit of a man-child.

LyinWitchInTheWardrobe, thanks for the book recommendation.

as a smoker, i have tried to give up for dh and dc, but it does not work.

i easily quit while ttc, as i wanted a pregnancy and i do not agree with smoking in pregnancy so had the will power to stop.

when giving up smoking you need to do it for yourself or you will fail.

If you are the main earner I can understand why it grates to pay so much for cigarettes, however he did smoke when you met him now you are trying to change him.

I'd say he should smoke roll ups they cost a 3rd of the price.

I think you should get seperate accounts and manage the money.

you are free to ask him, let him be free to respond

YANBU. I watched a documentary about child health which explained that 8 cigarettes smoked outside have the same effect on the people in the house as 5 cigarettes smoked in the same room. Because the smoke comes back in on your hair/skin/clothes/breath. So if he wouldn't smoke 1 cigarette in your living room with the baby, then he shouldn't smoke 2 outside, either.

Get him to switch to an electronic cigarette if he won't stop. Otherwise he can't care much about your child.

I was a smoker and gave up when I was pregnant, as did my dh. I also became vvvv anti smoking and got annoyed when my dh (now ex) started "socially smoking". Hate everything about it, the cost, smell, health risks ect. YANBU but would have asked him to give up during pregnancy.

Re the money - work out how much you each have as equal disposabal income a month, then if he wants to spend it on fags he will have to do without one of his luxuries :)

I wouldn't of had a baby with him, if I had known he wasn't going to quit, so seeing as you have been with him 3 years I think it is now a bit late to expect Him to quit.

Smoking is a selfish past time, he is only going to give up for himself no one else.

I think be issue here lies with your finances, he obviously still likes to spend money on himself.

If he wanted to change he would of done by now!!

YOu need to sort out the finances - work out what all the bills etc are and then each have an equal "allowance " to do with as you please (ie pocket money).

Your DH will only quit smoking when he is doing it because he wants to - not for someone else.

YABU. What makes you think he would agree to giving up just because you asked him to anyway?

I smoke, and I wouldn't give up if dh wanted me to. He knows that so wouldn't bother asking. I pay for my own cigarettes and that's my choice.

I dont see why yout H shouldnt quit for someone else...your DC. 1. To reduce risk of SIDS (doesnt have to smoke in same room to have deleterious effect) and 2. To increase chance, as previous poster said, of DC growing up with healthy parents. Mr Choo quit when DC was born. With a lot of 'encouragement' of the arse-kicking variety.

As much as feel for you - YABU. It's too late now to expect him to change.
I used to smoke as did my BF, we got engaged and I said something one day when we were talking about the future about how we'd stop one we had kids. He said he wouldn't, I just looked at him and suddenly realised I couldn't have children with someone who had such an attitude. I never saw him in the same light and I broke off the engagement.
It was before you got married / pregnant that you should have asked him to stop.
I don't know how you put up with someone smoking around your 13 week old baby!

(Nice one Fabby! )

I think you should have a separate account instead of having a family pot (I'd not normally say this) - why should you pay for his addiction?

If he wants to be addicted he should pay for it.

Well you can ask and that wouldn't be unreasonable but it doesn't sound like he'll give up so you'd probably be wasting your time and end up arguing over it.

However, £250 a month is a HUGE amount of money. Perhaps better to agree that you both have similar amounts to spend on luxuries - eg for £250 you could have an iphone, gym membership, nice toilettries and money to spend on clothes.