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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate kids being 'put on display'

52 replies

sherbetpips · 20/06/2011 12:25

My DH family have an awful habit of always expecting the kids to stand up and do some sort of entertainment at any family gathering we have. I have watched the older nephews and nieces go through it and now attention is being turned to the younger ones - mine included. It was excrutiating to watch his cousin being forced to read out a speech he gave at school no less than 8 times until he got it right (he is 7 and barely speaks as it is) at a 50th party yesterday. Then listen to him being admonished endlessy for not making enough effort. Does anyone else make their kids play instruments/sing/read poems they have written?

OP posts:
HellBunny · 20/06/2011 14:29

As a child this often happened to me at gatherings because I could sing. The older I got, the more cringeworthy it became. I'm 27 now and still get hounded for songs. Usually I won't do it but I did get up for karaoke on my wedding day in January!

revolutionscoop · 20/06/2011 14:42

Lordy, do people still do this then?? How depressing. I was routinely trotted out at dinner parties as a child to make awful noises on my violin, or recite some awful poem for my parents long-suffering friends. I honestly thought this particular form of parental cruelty went out in the 80's. It's just embarassing, pointless, painful for all involved.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 20/06/2011 14:46

But what about the DC's playing a tune on their flute or trumpet for their grandparents when we go to stay - they have to practice anyway - so surely that's not so bad ?

revolutionscoop · 20/06/2011 15:34

Oh, but Grandparents are completely different! They do tend to be an appreciative audience, and the dc's probably don't actually mind performing for them :)

GetOrf · 20/06/2011 15:36

Christ. How awful. Both for the children and the audience.

fairydoll · 20/06/2011 16:07

we always have the kids play their instrument, do their gymnastics tricks etc at a family gathering.But no-one is forced to.I think the ,as another poster describes it, over effusive praise actually boosts their self estemm!

chipmonkey · 20/06/2011 16:35

I thought this was an Irish thing? My great-aunt used to demand that we sang or in my case, played the piano. Then, when I was actually playing, she would talk all the way through my performance and ignore me!Angry She did the same to my brother on his keyboard so he just set the keyboard to automatically play one of the demo pieces which was very advanced, while he pretended to strum the keys! It made her sit up and listen!Grin

limitedperiodonly · 20/06/2011 16:54

God, it's bad enough when people force shy children to make conversation with adults but this takes humiliation and showing off to a whole new level.

otisdriftwood · 20/06/2011 17:24

Yanbu....they are kids not performers

Jajas · 20/06/2011 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gapants · 20/06/2011 17:30

I do remember being asked to "do a turn" at family gatherings but being a precocious born performer I lapped it up. There were lots of praise and clapping with it though. I would never dream of making a child do it. The boss with the singing/crying kids sounds traumatic for everyone!

I would encourage my kids to do it if they wanted to, but similarly would have no issue with them not participating. The critiquing part...well I dare anyone to correct my shy 7 yo 8 times!

JamieAgain · 20/06/2011 17:34

Horrible if your children don't want to. Really horrible to be negative towards them.

I'd encourage the adults to do a turn too and see how they like it.

Original poster
sherbetpips · 21/06/2011 12:25

Don't worry guys I dont need to persuade or dissuade my DS on this subject he is quite strong minded and if he says no he means no - I just find it such strange behaviour - especially the increasing amount of heckling and critisicm that starts when they wont do it? Interesting that there are a few respondents who say they do ask their children to play instruments, etc. I am intrigued as to what your motivation is to ask them to do this?

OP posts:
Miggsie · 21/06/2011 12:32

Just tell them your DS is not a performing monkey, and if they are desperate to heckle someone, one of them can get up and be humiliated.

Or they could just find someone to tar and feather, sounds their sort of thing.

Cynical hat on: write a very rude limerick about the family are and get your DS to recite it:

The worst thing about my relations
Is their cat calls and lack of ovations.
It is just through spite
That they insist I recite
I hope they choke on their own indignation.

Awomancalledhorse · 21/06/2011 12:35

Get your DC to perform the dance she does at the end of Little Miss Sunshine, should shut them up.

YANBU, unless children involved really want to to do it, doesn't sound like your nephew did.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 21/06/2011 12:38

Like it Miggsie !

Portofino · 21/06/2011 12:40

God, my dd would perform at the drop of the hat. The last family party we had we had a full on song and dance routine. She is also the first to volunteer on holiday for the "Talent" Show. I don't know where she gets it from.....

But YANBU for them to be forced to do it.

fairydoll · 21/06/2011 20:44

'I am intrigued as to what your motivation is to ask them to do this?'

ummm beacuse isn't that kind of the point of learning to play an instrument?
It boosts their confidence to show off what they can do.I can't believe normal families would heckle or criticise their children's performance.

Original poster
sherbetpips · 21/06/2011 21:00

I seem to remember learning an instrument because a parent/school expected me too. And stopping as soon as they couldn't make me anymore - recorder, piano, choir....

OP posts:
jugglingwiththreeshoes · 22/06/2011 12:34

I'm with you fairydoll for the balanced view on this Smile

fairydoll · 22/06/2011 13:04

not so long ago before TV and radio taking turns to play instruments and sing was the standard form of family entertainment.

workedoutforthebest · 22/06/2011 13:14

Perhaps at the next family gathering, the nieces and nephews could politely ask if the parents and the pushy people in the family would mind putting on a 'concert' for them. They could have MIL singing, FIL reciting a few verses by heart out of [insert the most tiresome book you can think of] and all the rest of the pushy people as backing 'singers'. Oh and if MIL doesn't reach the high notes, the kids should aks her to sing again( no lessthan eight times) Hmm

They wouldn't ask again Grin

stillfeel18inside · 22/06/2011 13:18

That sounds dreadful OP. I'd just make it plain your DCs aren't going to perform like seals and leave it at that. If a child really likes performing, nothing will stop them - I have a DS1 who's constantly forcing us to watch his "plays" and a DS2 who would rather stick pins in his eyes than go on stage - I can't imagine forcing him.

LisasCat · 22/06/2011 13:25

I have a horrid memory of being about 10 years old and being told to play my violin at a family Christmas gathering. All the children were expected to show off some kind of talent and as I'd been learning the violin for 2 years it was decreed that it was time I do a show. I just remember hiding in the kitchen, sobbing, listening to the grown ups all trying to cajol me out and tell me it would be fine (but still expecting me to do it), until eventually someone must have realised that it was a no go, and they all left me in there, still crying, while they moved back into the lounge for another child's performance. Utterly dreadful, and I hope you don't make your DCs do it. If one of my parents had stood up and said no to the rest of the family, I would have adored them for the rest of my life.

Eskarina · 22/06/2011 13:27

My Grandma used to do this to me any time we were at her house. She taught me to play the piano and the regular guilt trips were awful. She still tries to do it and had a full on scream at me at Christmas because my aunt asked if I played any more and I said no.
I really wish my parents had told her to back off when I was younger. By the time I was a teenager I think I was viewed as being "sulky" by the wider family because I would try to refuse the emotional blackmail "oh just for little old me...how can you not when I've done so much for you". I took to replying that I'm not a performing monkey.
So OP for the sake of your kids please protect them from this. I sort of agree with fairydoll that the praise they get can be a good thing, but being encouraged to perform when they don't want to will do far, far more damage to their confidence.