To think my mum could have done better?

[NoTrip]

I´ve thought this for a while now, spurred on as my own dc get older.

I grew up with a violent father and my mum who was always busy with my db who was considered terminally ill for decades and died in middle age.

I remember always actively disliking my father, he never did anything for any of his dc, resented buying us the very basic things in life. He never participated in things like Xmas and scheduled his holidays when we kids were at school. We never had any family holidays, ever, (maybe it was better that way anyway?)

I cared for my db as a child and was always afraid he would die when I was responsible for him (thinking of it now, it did not even occur to me to that neighbours could help)

I grew up very independent, left home at 15 and have basically had a successful life. But as my dc grow up I feel increasingly resentful that I was given nothing as a child, no time, no toys or activities, no sweets, Easter eggs, birthday presents or birthday parties. I have no positive memories from childhood and plenty of very bad ones!

I have very tentatively tried to tackle the subject with mum but she won´t accept any failing. Other siblings have criticized her more openly. The problem is mum sees her whole identity as the caring mum, but this was true for only one of her children!!

Am I being ridiculous? Could mum have done better? It is only more than 20 years later that I have considered she might have been just a little responsible for a thoroughly miserable childhood : (

Thanks for reading this. Any thoughts? Should I see a shrink?!

Your question is somewhat redundant because, whether or not your mum could have done better, the fact is that she did what she did and you're stuck with the consequences of both of your parents' failings.

Being married to a violent and abusive twunt, being economically dependent on said twunt?, and caring for what she believed was a terminally ill child would have placed your dm in an unenvious position.

That is not to say that she couldn't have done better but, IME, guilt can lead many parents to choose denial rather than admit their failings to their dcs, and knowing that they cannot go back in time and do it over with the benefit of hindsight may lead some to attempt to paint the past in a rosy hue.

It doesn't take a quantum leap to feel sorry for your dm as, ultimately, her life has been negatively impacted by the chronic illness and (later than anticipated) death of a ds, and it seems that she has also lost out on the love and respect of her remaining dcs.

Although your childhood was pants, it enabled you to become independent at an early age and go on to have a successful life (well done, you!) and, by my reckoning, you've now spent longer away from your childhood home than you spent in it.

Your question should therefore be does your childhood negatively impact on the quality of your life now?

If you feel that your childhood experiences have left deep scars that are inhibiting your relationship with your dh/dp and dcs, or are preventing you from fully enjoying your present life, please consider counselling as a way of resolving your issues.

If it is simply a matter of you contrasting your own and your dcs experiences of childhood and feeling shortchanged, I would suggest that every time you and your dcs celebrate events by receiving gifts and having parties etc, you take some alone time to visit your inner child and give him/her a similar treat.

Give your inner child plenty of cuddles and reassure them that they've got a wonderful life ahead - and live your life so that there continues to be an abundance of positive experiences for them to look forward to.

I feel for you OP. My father was also violent one of my siblings is disabled and mum was ill for a long time then died when I was a teenager. Mum left dad sometimes when the violence got too much and took the children she saw as vulnerable - me, my younger sibling and my sibling who is disabled. The others were left to cope with dad's temper until he persuaded mum to come home and the cycle would begin again.

I don't blame mum because I honestly think she did all shecould, but I accept that my older siblings are still angry about what happened.
It sounds as if you were in a similar situation and having to cope with terrible things.

Yes your mum could possibly have done better, and under different circumstances she almost certainly would have. What matters is for you to come to an acceptance. What would it take for that to happen ? Work out the minimum you need to do eg tell your mum how hurt you are by the lack of presents now you are an adult etc do that and move on.

I know from experience that the only person that is hurt by this pain you feel is you so please be kind to you and work on forgiving.

The 'inner child' was on my mind when I read this - you've spent years surviving, and it sounds like you have been amazing actually.
I'm not sure telling your 'real' Mum would be the right thing to do as it sounds like she's had a crappy life, but you do need to tell someone and to hear some confirmation that what you've been through wasn't your fault and that you deserved to be loved and cherished as a child, as you deserve to be a loved and cherished adult.

YANBU. It seems clear from your posts that you didn't feel loved as a child. No matter how stressed/poor/busy/burdened with responsibility a mother is, there is never a good reason for allowing a child to feel unloved. Even if you are too poor to buy gifts or too busy to spend a lot of spare time with each child, you can still tell them that you love them and you can give what little time is available. Yes, it sounds like she had a pretty shitty life. That is no excuse.