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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu about what happens after I give birth

47 replies

UnreasonableDIL · 19/06/2011 19:49

i am a reg but have name changed as dp knows my usual name.

I have just over four weeks till dc is due, already have dd who will be 18 months when dc2 arrives.

Dp has just come back from pil and told me they have decided that dd will stay with them for 1-2 weeks after dc is born. Aibu to want my dd at home with us?am feeling very emotional and don't want her away from me, I'm worried she will feel pushed out or confused.

I know why pil have suggested this, I was very unwell after having dd and confined to bed for 3 weeks on doctors orders. I think they are anticipating the same situation and are trying to make things easier for us so dp will only have me and the new baby to worry about and look after.consultant has said almost no chance of the same thing happening again now they are aware of the problem.

I really don't know if I'm being stubborn or if my reaction of 'no way is that happening' is normal? Dp is in a foul mood now and implying I hate his parents. I don't at all they are lovely, if my parents made the same suggestion I would have said no to them too.

Sorry it's long, please help.

OP posts:

BertieBasset · 19/06/2011 20:10

I have just had dd2 last week, due to complications dd1 was with my parents for 4 days and I hated it. I was very worried that she would blame dd2 for me not being there - she's only 21 months so obviously can't understand.

I have just been trying to keep dd1 to her usual routine and that seems when she is at her happiest.

PeppaKew · 19/06/2011 20:11

If you google John Bowlby the information is there. Grandparents may be entirely different but it is food for thought re your decision.

PeppaKew · 19/06/2011 20:16

Apologies, try searching for 'John-17 months: nine days in residential nursery' by the Robertson centre. Can't find my original link.

SmethwickBelle · 19/06/2011 20:18

It sounds like a kind offer meant to give you some space. If DD knows them and you are comfy that they are safe and loving relations maybe take them up on it but with conditions that she comes to see you with the baby in hospital or home if you are out quickly, and that if you are coping fine she can come home.

IDrinkFromTheirSkulls · 19/06/2011 21:09

Erm pepperkew the OP's dd would be staying with her grandparents not "non family members".

allthefires · 19/06/2011 21:13

All my instinct say no. Not least because it would affect the siblings attachment to the new baby and mean resentment and jealous were almost certain to happen.

duckdodgers · 19/06/2011 21:29

peppa Ive seen the 1 of Roberston films and its hearbreaking, its about attachment theory.

ddubsgirl · 19/06/2011 21:35

sadly my friend did this with her dd when she had ds,even now after 10 yrs she still hates her brother as she felt pushed out and not allowed to see baby for a week after he was born :(

saffy85 · 19/06/2011 21:43

YANBU but they sound like they mean well- they want to help you out rather than take over.

midori1999 · 19/06/2011 21:43

It's obviously entirely your decision and if you're not happy about it, then YANBU not to want DD to stay with your PIL.

I wouldn't have wanted my DC to stay elsewhere when any of their siblings were born, I too would have worried they'd be pushed out.

However, a friend has recently had a baby. Her DC are a bit spoilt, her DD (aged 8) had an absolute paddy when told her Mum was pregnant, saying she wouldn't have time for her any more, she'd hate the new baby etc. It took her several months to come round even a tiny bit. Her youngest DS, aged 4, said he hated the baby all along and was going to put it in the dustbin and he wasn't entirely joking either. Her parents stayed when the baby was born, a few days later her MIL arrived also. Then after a couple more days, MIL took one of her DS's and her parents took one DS and the DD so baby was left at home alone with my friend and her DH for a week whilst the other DC had a week with their Grandparents. The DC all saw it as 'Mummy and Daddy will be very busy because new babies take lots of time up, just like we did as babies, so this way we get to be spoilt like mad at our Grandparents' all week.

All my friend's DC were thrilled to see the baby when they got back and it does seem to have wroked out well for them.

pigletmania · 19/06/2011 21:47

Me personally I would have loved that, I am pg with dc 2 and my dd will be nearly 5 when it is born and I worry about who will look after dd whilst I am in hospital, and adjusting to life at home with two. My dd has SN so its very very very hard, because of that I would relish the opportunity for dd to go with trusted people for a period in time. That is not to say I won't miss her because I would. YANBU though, you should be consulted and have your wishes respected too. Mabey come with a compromise that they will come in the day and take dd for a few hours or so.

pigletmania · 19/06/2011 21:49

Yes totally re the attachment theory, that is why there should be a compromise whereby your dd is with you everyday, but mabey gps take her for a few hours everday or several times in the week.

LastTrainHome · 19/06/2011 21:54

YANBU I wanted DS1 with me all the time when DS2 was born. I pined for her while in hospital and wanted her to feel part of every precious moment in those first few days and weeks.

TheFeministsWife · 19/06/2011 21:54

No you are totally NBU. Understand they mean well, but she will surely feel left out and I'm sure you will miss her. There's no way I would have wanted dd1 away from me for a few weeks after I had dd2.

Nowtspecial · 19/06/2011 22:06

YANBU. I'm due too and would hate this idea, it would panic and unsettle me. Thankfully our families are too feckless to offer help / just wouldn't be up to it. I want my DD to be involved with her sister from day 1 and she will be first in to meet her all being well.

Anniepops · 19/06/2011 22:22

If you think they would be offended by you refusing their offer could you shift the responsibility by telling them you felt a little uncomfortable about it and asked the midwife/ health visitors advice and she has told you that it would be be harmful to your older childs emotional well-being?? x

risingstar · 19/06/2011 22:27

oh bless- no doubt pil want to help and are trying to reassure you and dh that they will be there for you. are they close at hand? if so, n doubt you will need and appreciate their help and will sort it out when you know how the birth etc goes. DH prob just feels a bit awkward about it.

best of luck with the birth

Dolcegusto · 19/06/2011 22:28

YANBU. I would have hated it and missed my dd1 far too much.
Just tell them that it's a very kind offer but you want to keep her with you.

skybluepearl · 19/06/2011 22:36

i would say you want your DD around. it's best for bonding and maybe she could have odd afternoons with grand parents but you will play it by ear and let them know what your needs are after the birth and when the need for respite arrives.

MeconiumHappens · 19/06/2011 23:19

yanbu, I would thank them for the kind offer then tell them kindly but firmly that you wont be taking them up on it. Perhaps though the could help with things like ironing if they want to help?

Original poster

UnreasonableDIL · 20/06/2011 05:55

Morning! Thank you all for your input, sorry again I had to rush off last night. Dp came up to bed and we had a good talk about it. Explained to him I most definitely don't hate his parents and he admitted he had over reacted to me saying no.

Dd would in theory be fine with them as she sees them very regularly, they live about 20 mins drive from us and are very much a part of our family life. She has never been away from us for more than one night at a time though, which I think was also part of the reason I freaked out a bit. They are genuinely trying to be helpful and not take over.

Dp is happy to suggest the alternative suggestions mentioned on this thread, but I've asked him to stress these are very 'liquid' arrangements and I want to play it by ear to see how well I am, how we cope with two etc.

Thanks everyone for suggestions and making me feel more 'normal' about being uncomfortable with it. Cant trust my own feelings/instincts with all these baby hormones flying around. Thanks again.

OP posts:

Ivortheengine8 · 20/06/2011 06:48

Morning DIL, Glad you had a good talk about it and got it sorted.
Its nice to have them so close tbh as my parents live 2.5/3 hours away so its a different situation.
Take care and hope it all goes smoothly! :)

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