Staying with DH's family for five days

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I am perfectly happy to be called U about this, genuinely torn. We live hundreds of miles from DH's family (and thousands from mine). We were invited to a wedding near his parents and DH asked if we could go (DH, DD and I). I said, "yes" thinking we would be going for maybe three days. DH booked us onto a night flight and for five nights. A bit of a shock but OK. His DSis and family (four of them) are also going and we are all supposed to be staying with DMiL and DFiL. They have three bedrooms upstairs and a bedroom downstairs. DMiL has been very, very ill recently (part of the reason DH wants to visit).

The AIBU comes now... I want to book into a hotel. At least for a couple of the nights. We will be in a small space with three children (ours is a baby and the others are older so want to 'play' with her all the time), a huge dog (who wants to lick the baby all the time), sick MiL (who wants to move out of her room to accommodate us all) and FiL (who is lovely but finding MiL's illness really hard and has some issues of his own).

DH doesn't want to ask his parents if it is OK for us to stay in a hotel because he thinks they will get offended. It is also going to be a lot of cash. I think it is better to have the conversation now rather than do it his way and have the outcome I think will happen. DD will get out of routine and grumpy so she will be miserable, which means I will be miserable. MiL won't be able to cope with everyone and will get tired, sick and unhappy. DH, DSis and MiL will fight (they love each other but have previous for this). They will have a crappy time and it will spoil things.

So as not to drip feed; DH hasn't come the last two times to my family; I have to go with DD as they want to see her and she is BF; I love them all and am lucky to have such a great second family; MiL is very sick so this may be one of the last times we all get together; the bloody wedding is child-free (which the invitation didn't mention so I am going all this way and no wedding).

I dont think YABU. It's best to do that which is going to be the most enjoyable for everyone and it doesn't sound like staying with them for 5 nights is going to be that.

YANBU

can you phone your MIL and say, "We are worried about it all being a bit too much for you so have checked into XY hotel - it is only 2 minutes away so we can be there as much as you want us to be but you won't be stuck with us all day".

I am trying to persuade DH to do the same when we visit his parents as it is just so trying for us all to stay in one small apartment.

YANBU at all. STaying in a hotel will give you some breathing space from what could be a very busy house, as well as relieving some of the pressue on your in-laws.

I can't call MiL and ask but DH could (I get on with her but really don't like to get in between their family as they are fiercely connected). I have found a cheap(ish) hotel near them and they have two cars so we could borrow and be at their house 10 hours a day. DH feels he is caught between offending his DM and annoying me (I am trying to be balanced but he is stressed).

Well, it sounds to me as if there are enough bedrooms to stay.

But if you´d rather be in a hotel then do that.

I am wondering whether you are an Asian family. I know how hospitable they are and welcoming, turn up with lots of invited members of your family to a lunch and you will be welcomed in - there will always be loads of food and no one will bat an eyelid! If this is the case then I do think you need to tread carefully. They might feel that it is their responsibility to cater for you and might just feel offended if you said you were staying in a hotel.

I would not go into finer details, why dont you just book the hotel and just say in passing that you thought it would be easier for them etc. Once booked (especially if you say the cost is non refundable) then they might secretly breath a big sigh of relief.

We're a Scottish family. Everyone is pretty spiky and easy to offend! I might just book and present a done deal but DH is worried. He just wants everyone to be happy (I know this is impossible). There are enough rooms for everyone but not enough space (mental or physical )

I would book into the hotel that is nearest to their house. If your DMIL is poorly, she (presumably) won't want the stress of having to cater for you all plus you will spare the excesses of young children. You will be doing her a favour. Book it!