To think they should take a hint and leave??

[WhiteTrash]

The in laws came down today, takes an hr and 15 mins to get here from their house so its not a million miles away but its far enough. They arrived at 11.30, so half an hr and a cup of tea later I pack up ds1 (4 years) and ds2 (4 weeks) and we all head off to the local for a roast.

Its very popular, totally packed, takes half an hour to get served, half hour to get the food another half hour to get more drinks. We expected this wait, its a good pub, nice food and its worth it. Both kids were good as gold.

We leave 2.5 hours later, when we get home it all goes to shit. Ds2 is done behaving and goes mental, over excited, going mad. Pulling toys around, getting down his bean bag chair, weeing on it. Yanking his toys out, spitting at his dad, (its a bit of an attention thing we're just having to ride out since ds2 came along.) all the while ds2 is tired, grumpy crying on my shoulder, ds1 screaming round my legs because his dad just bent his ear about spitting and the in laws are just sat there in silence hanging out on my sofa witg their feet up. We had been home a good half hour, we hadnt just got through the door and they arent that ancient (60).

If that was me at a friend or families Id see that the family had reached their tether end and it was my cue to let them get on.

AIBU? Do they really need me or dp to say "ok guys, off you go?"

They had your DH (and siblings?), so they probably have seen it all before and weren't phased by it at all. Your probably felt worse about it than it was - just normal kid behaviour - they can't be perfect all the time

If it was friends of yours/your mum and dad, I bet you might have felt differently?

4 weeks is still very soon with a new baby and I think, especially second time round, we can overestimate what we can handle in terms of visits. I appreciate the ILs drove a while for the visit but its fair enough for the op to have presumed they might understand that they are still in the "getting to grips" phase. And to feel frustrated that evidently they didn´t.

OP YABU to have felt overwhelmed, people frequently overstay their welcome by MILES when there are scrummy newborns around. I totally include family in this. How they can not pick up on the stress vibes being given out by the new mum i do not know.

(as mum of 4 yr old & 4 mth old I really sympathise)

why should they leave asap? They have travelled all that way to see their son and grandchildren (I would have thought you would have been grateful for this given your DS is only 4 weeks) on fathers day and they wanted to continue to spend some time with them. Don't forget, they are not just some people you hardly know but your DH's parents and your DC's grandparents. It is really a good sign that they are comfortable in your company that they don't mind sitting there with their feet up

chicletteeth I assumed the OP was probably tired. The words "four week old baby" usually indicate some degree of sleep deprivation.

It's the just sitting there, with expectation, that is difficult. My inlaws came the day after I got out of hospital with our first. Sat on sofa, expecting tea. The difference with my mum, when she came round, is that she'd make everyone a cup. It's different if people muck in a bit, I think.

Erm, I think YABU because they probably didn't know what to do in the chaos so just waited to see. Also they travelled very far. I understand why you were stressed but I think you shouldn't expect people to just know to leave. That could look like abandoning you. I feel for you though. I hope your DS1 settles quickly :) and congratulations on DS2 :)

my friends DD had her first birthday yesterday and my friend is a bit unwell (just cold/flu-she feels generally crap with it) she was rushing round off her feet with her OH and her mum in the kitchen cooking. she hadnt even had a bath the poor cow so i says to her 2 mins after getting in the door seeing where the bab was (napping) ''right what can i do?'' at first she said ''nothing its all under control your PG sit down'' so i forced her to give me a job (blowing balloons and pinning them up). if you can see someones struggling you help or leave in our book. seems like common sense but it maybe a generational thing? i know if my PIL were here and the kids were at it i'd be telling my MIL to take the baby (when he comes) and i'd be dealing with DD.

Oh, GnomeDePlume, how right you are. When DS was born grandparents were all with us, now only one living and she can't make it to is; but we too expected that each would act the diplomat with his/her own parents (and other family) and it works. At least better than any other arrangement. Thanks for reminding me of those days!a

Yes, she was tired, she has now clarified that.
Have had three "four week old babies" thanks, so am well aware of what it's like, and it's all very subjective
If it's all too much at four weeks, why on earth the big family lunch at a pub?
What can I say, I don't get it personally.
I don't see the big deal and I don't think the IL's were being unreasonable at all.
Opinions were asked for and they have been given.

oh this brings it all back! Remember ex h picking me up from hospital to bring me home with dd2 who was 9lb 15oz coming down sideways, and I eventually needed to sit on the rubber ring for over 5 weeks! As we turned the corner to the house he annonced'oh I've got a suprise we have visitors!' His mother and siter plus 2 small children who then stayed for 3 days! They proceeded to say 'give us the baby, it'll give you a chance to get the kitchen sorted!!!!' MIL never stopped talking (in fact I so zoned out I found myself counting to see just how long she could go without saying something. She even got up in the night to talk to me through the night feeds! Over 24 years ago but now need a large glass of red at the mere memory:)

"And yes maybe it would have been different if they were your own parents"

But why should it be? They may be Ops ILs but they are her DHs parents and the childrens grandparents.

i was going to say you were being unreasonable, then I saw your baby as only 4 weeks old so maybe not so. i think it is more a case of not communicating clearly.. dp needs to do that. next time they are just sitting, hand them a dc or ask them to make them selves a cup of tea. perhaps they didn't know what to do... it will get better when you are getting more sleep.

The thing is, it isn't an ideal situation; tantrums are horrible at the best of times and are worse when you're tired.

But they were just sat on the sofa, no mention of tutting or muttering under their breath, or demanding tea or anything.

If they decided to get up and go then you would have had the issues of everybody saying their goodbyes and the little goodbye, kisses, cuddles, chat's etc. that always takes place (and takes time) unless you literally wanted them to get up and go.

I read this out to DH and he said 'if it matters, say something'

Actually he says that about pretty much every AIBU thread I have ever read out to him and I think he is right.

DP should have said something, should take note to say something next time. It is almost always easier for the son or daughter to say something to their own parents. The fallout is far easier to manage.

Thankyou Andrewofgg, I sometimes wonder if DH and I are alone in this!

Mumbling - you mind your ILs dropping off on your sofa? Seriously? Why shouldn't they feel at home in their son's house?

OP - could you not have asked them to take your eldest outside to play for 10 mins, or passed them the baby while you and DH calmed your DS1 down?
The whole situation could surely have been resolved if you had initiated some communication rather than just getting the hump?

Alibaba they shouldnt feel at home because they arent at home. It is their DS and his DP's home.

YANBU, they certainly could have helped out a bit more, perhaps entertained/ distracted DS1 or even taken him out for a walk? Maybe cuddled the new baby whilst you put your feet up for half an hour instead of putting their feet up.You have a 4 week old baby, they seem totally insensitive to this.

GnomeDePlume - really?
Your parents and ILs shouldn't feel at home in your house??

Oh.

NannyOgg no, because it isnt their home. I want them to feel comfortable but that isnt the same thing. When they visit they are visitors. When we go to their home we are visitors. We have good relationships because we have good boundaries.

BTW DH and I have been married for close to 20 years and together for some time longer. We have three DCs who arent babies by a long shot.

I hope to have a similar relationship with my own DCs when they are grown and making their own way.

Sometimes when I visit someone I sit agonising over my cue to leave. I feel I have to last out the visit out of politeness and not seem keen to leave too soon. They were probably gritting their teeth but trying not to appear as though they wanted to desperately run off, which they secretly probably did.

I view visiting as a 'duty' but am often secretly dying to get home. I don't know how you can get around it though other that saying 'don't feel you have to come back for tea, you can head on now, the kids are going for a nap when we get home....'

That way they have an 'out'

Blimey now I've heard it all. My parents, inlaws, siblings and friends are all welcome to nod off on my sofa after lunch if they so desire.

You're NOT being unreasonable. But - don't be afraid to hand them the screaming baby, take your son to his bedroom, make yourself a cup of tea and sit down in peace and quiet, or even go to bed.

Make use of them being there to get some time off! They're obviously happy to make themselves at home - now let them spend time with the kids!

If that makes them up and go, they're obviously not there to see their grandchildren, but just enjoying being waited on. And no matter how much you should respect your PiL, there are freakin' limits.

You have a 4 week old baby and a two year old! I would have given them the baby to hold, asked them to make the evening meal and gone for a nap with DS1 ( in a perfect world.) A long visit is fine if the visitors help, play with the older child and don't expect to be waited on.

People are often not good at picking up cues-so you either suck it up or nicely say...i think I am going to have some quite time with the kids-then leave them to it on the sofa.

We have just found out that distant relatives are arriving tomorrow possibly for 9 days to stay- no advance notice and just a vague.....we leave teh country at the end of the month.US;Just got back from holidays,tons of washing to do, no food in- and 5 beds to make up! But what can you do? You can hardly say no to family even if they are distant. I will just try to encourage them to be as independent as possible during their stay and of course will look forward to the long off departure!But it is awful to make guests feel unwelcome in my book once they are in your home.

I feel for you and YANBU but they are not either......just not being sensitive to your cues.

Perhaps they didn't want to appear rude and leave when the "going got tough".

Perhaps they've seen it all before and it just wasn't a big deal to them.

Perhaps they thought you might be upset op if they tried to help. ("Interfering MIL thinks I can't cope") titles coming to mind.....

Could be any number of reasons really, i've been in that position visiting friends and never known what to do for the best!

Joysaz (and others that suggested the same thing) I beginning to think that is probably why.