To find this comment deeply upsetting and not send a card

[Fernier]

i have a turbulent relationship with my dad we have never outright argued but he has been quite cruel at times (moving my bed into the attic after my mum died so his girlfriend could move in with her daughter for example). Anyway we have moved past that and speak on the phone and are civil. He has helped us in a a couple of ways in the past 10 years - helping us move for example but I woukdnt say we are close (he forgot my daughters birthday and doesnt know her middle name for example)

Normally I send a card for fathers day because he WAS an excellent father until I was 17 and my mum died and we WERE very close before that and I feel I owe it to him sort of. A few days ago however we were speaking on the phone and I told him that I was coming off some tablets I had been onn that were causing side effects and that I was feeling much better and so he said "so not a fat slob anymore then" I think he realised he had gone too far and tried to say it was a joke but I know him well enough to know that his jokes are often based on what he actually thinks

I have been deeply upset by it and I haven't sent a card I know that my sister and my gran (neither of whom he has ever treated badly he paid for my sisters university for example but left me homeless and in a bed and breakfast) will have a go at me and this will cause a rift between all of us.

Am I being oversensitive if he claims it was a joke - ignoring everything else because if I am honest the only thing currently upsetting me I think is the comment if it wasn't for that I would have sent a card and called etc. I just gave the other details for background .

I wouldn't send him a card. I'd let him know that this is the last straw and you won't put up with any more of his crap. He's in the wrong here and about putting your bed in the attic when you were a kid - I'd tell him to fuck right off!

It's too late to send a card anyway!

'It sounds as if he only "tolerated" you for your mum´s sake.'

What a horrible thing to say diddl, the OP said she had a very good relationship with her dad until she was 17 YO and her mum died.

The death of a parent/spouse can have a profound effect on the people left behind trying to make sense of it.

Where does that say she was only being tolerated for her mums sake?

"Where does that say she was only being tolerated for her mums sake?"

She doesn´t.

And I´m probably wrong.

Op, you didn´t send a card & I don´t think that you need to justify it.

And if others will fall out with you then they are a bit too sensitive imo.

I don't send a card to my father and I think that if you don't feel able to send a 'nice' card that's heartfelt, you shouldn't send one at all.

I'm not saying anything against you reading in between the lines as such diddl, because I do it myself, there's just never enough info!

But it just sounded such a nasty (thing to happen, not that you're nasty) interpretation to try and put into the OPs mind when she was feeling sensitive about the relationship with her dad.

I would be furious too. How bloody rude.

Sometimes though it sits easier on the soul to just send one - it's done with then and you can just get on with your life and not brood over it anymore.

He did wrong - you know he did - and it wasn't funny. Here's his goddamn card, then put him out of your mind and concentrate on your next moment and the important people.

No, you´re right.

I got too carried away with the being moved out for the sake of the gfriend´s daughter.

I know what you mean diddl, it does sound cinderella-esque.

thanks for your replies i am not sending a card it doesnt matter today anyway! but i will phone him.

frazzled - it was partially converted so it had floorboards and window but still a ladder to get to it and a hole in the wall to the chimney! also full of attic stuff. I wasnt a child at the time sorry if i gave that impression i was 17 when my mum died and it was a few months after that.I moved out after another couple of months.

Yanbu to not send a card ... But not bc of the crass joke bc of his lack of support when your mum died. You don't get to be a good parent for xx years then fuck up so badly. Being a good parent is about unconditional love - forever.

I'm so sorry you went through that. I know you want to make it sound ok but there is nothing ok about making a teenager who has just lost their mum move out of her room so dad can bring in a new family. It's horrible on so many levels.

I've heard of similar scenarios where men don't handle being on their own too well when they lose their wife, and they find someone else very quickly. Maybe your dad's sense of loss and needyness consumed him to the extent he was very keen to accomodate this woman (and daughter) to move in and fill the hole that your mum had left. All this was at the expense of your needs though and it was VERY insensitive of him to move you into the attic! I suspect he wasn't even thinking clearly about your needs though at the time - probably he was just surviving the best he could.

One day you may need to call him on what he did there, and express yourself.

well he is actually divorced from that wife now! the marraige lasted a whole year. He remarried again a few months after the divorce - he just couldnt bear to be alone you are right.

The sad thing is that when you really needed him, he fell short.

I´m not sure how long ago it happened but I think I would have to tell him how it made me feel-& then move on.

But the fact that you will phone is great.

My dad almost never gets a card-can never find one here, plus Fday has gone here.

But a phone call is enough to show that you have thought about him surely?