to think that a lot of relationships involve one or both involved "settling"?

[Perennialnamechanger]

I have name changed because I want to be honest on here and some in RL know my posting name. This thread was inspired by the "alternatives to marriage" thread in Lone Parents.

I find on MN that sometimes the view of relationships can be a bit black and white. You SHOULD be happy and passionate and "in love" with your DP/DH/OH and if you are not then you should dump immediately. I do not speak about relationships involving abuse btw, one of the things I love about MN is the calling of abuse and the eye opening that so many need, it certainly sorted me out and helped me change my life.

What I mean is relationships where you don't have a great deal of feeling for the other person apart from not detesting them of course but they are a good father/mother, you and your dc would be much worse off if you separated and its nice to do things as a family and share the parenting load and so on. So you might as well stay in it as not. I just wonder how many relationships are like that? I suppose I am being nosy really .

I just think it is rather unrealistic to break up a family and go down the tough single parenting route unless actively unhappy. Any thoughts welcomed.

For the record I would describe my own relationship as above.

My story:

I got married when i was 19, to a man that was kind and reliable, but who i had very little sexual attraction to. I knew i was making a mistake even on my wedding day, but was too scared to admit it. I fell pg while on the pill very shortly after the mariage, and felt i had 'made my bed', so to speak, so had better make the best of it, and i suppose so did he. I went on to have 3 DCs with this man, and we were married for 16 years. To all intents and purposes the mariage looked happy from the outside. He remained kind and reliable, but took very little interest in the children. And was really only interested in me at bed time.

OP 5 years ago i could have written the EXACT same post as you. Not sure if i should be happy. Not sure if i should rock the boat. Should stay for the sake of the kids. He doesnt get pissed and beat me so i should be gratefull ... that sort of thinking.

Well 5 years ago i rocked the boat so hard it capsized. I left my husband for another man. Ex found a new girlfriend with in a year. DCs live with me and are very happy teens - ex hardly bothers to see them. Ex's family think i'm a slut, and my mother still hasnt really forgiven me.

I dont regret my mariage as i have my 3 wonderful children through it. But with my new partner i know now what real love is, and how it should feel. DP and i have been together for 5 years now. When he touches me, or i think of him, my tummy does a little 'spin', and when he looks into my eyes i just melt. I've never felt so loved or so precious to someone. We know what each other is thinking, and want and enjoy the same things out of life. He makes me laugh alot, and recons we were together in a previous life.

All quite sickening i know, lol - but thats what i missed out on for 16 years.

My message would be: its a short life, and you only live it once. Think about how you're living it.

fluffles the trouble is how will you know? On balance I'm happier without ex-H than I was with him, but didnt know I would be til he left me for someone else. I knew I wasn't singing and dancing happy, but hadnt been on my own with DC before. It's quite a risk to take if it might turn out you were happier with them.

To be honest, this is partly why I can't be bothered with dating any more...I really cant see me being happier with a man than I am on my own.

Agree with misty when you do find it you wonder what you were doing before!

This is exactly how I feel- we have a bit of an arrangement going on- we are both the parents and we have a common purpose. No, it's not a great romance but it is a relationship- just a different one which can be difficult at times as all can. I often wonder what it would be like to have a 'normal' relationship- I would be happier I 'm sure but I am not unhappy now. Things may change in years to come but at the moment I know it would cause great unhappiness to our DD if either one of us should leave and I'm not prepared to do that to her.

• feel Similar to OP

Agree fluffles!

I've settled. I bet so has dp.
We had dd1 young and have stayed together and now have dd2. We're friends, get along very well, have good sex, and co-exist very peacefully, but it's not at all who I imagined living my life with.
I bet there aren't many here who are living the life they thought they would, but such is life.

If most people feel they have settled then why are people so shocked when affairs happen? By a law of averages there must be some people who cannot 'settle' and realise too late?

my OH can be pretty emotionally unavailable he just doesnt know how to use his words the daft pillock but he does little things that let me know he's listening to my opinions and doing things i'd like him to even if its just having a shave or putting off having his hair cut for a few days