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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give up on these women? (sorry, long)

47 replies

duffybeatmetoit · 18/06/2011 10:07

Relocated to a small village several hours from our old home a year ago. DH and DD have settled in well and made friends. People have generally been very welcoming and I was invited to join our local WI which meets once a month and is good fun but where I have a toddler the other members are all either grandmothers or great grandmothers. There are a bunch of women whose DCs are at nursery with DD (we mainly all work) who I have met through playdates and are friendly and are always offering to help out with childcare if I need it or to get together for drinks or whatever.

However whenever I see them (either as a group or individually) they always end up discussing nights out they have had together to which I wasn't invited followed by a swift "Oh we must invite you next time" which doesn't materialise. I have tried to organise the odd get together but despite initial interest they always drop out. The only thing I do get invited to are parties for flogging candles/cards etc. I've helped out with childcare but on the couple of occasions where I've needed to organise something I've had somebody say they will help but again pulled out near the time. So I now organise a babysitter or get parents to come and stay, but then when they hear that I'd done that I get collared and told to let one of them help out in future.

They are nice people and we always seem to get on well if I see them out and about or at playdates/parties, and I don't sense any negative vibes when I'm with them but this constant saying one thing and doing another is really getting me down.

AIBU to give up on being anything more than acquaintances with them?

OP posts:

Original poster

duffybeatmetoit · 27/06/2011 18:37

Update: village social event at the weekend. Inevitably bumped in to some of them and got told about their latest gathering. Kept it all friendly and joined in the banter. Following day went past one of their houses and could hear girlie get together in full swing. Have given up expecting anything more than being friendly acquaintances.

Saw the other mum who I'd given my number to and suggested a get together, she thanked me for the number and apologised for not getting back to me but hasn't suggested anything else.

Hopefully might be able to catch up with some old friends for the first time in almost a year shortly when we go away to visit family. Looking forward to getting away, not so sure about coming back.

OP posts:

MegBusset · 27/06/2011 18:47

We moved to a completely new area last year so I know where you're coming from. Is there a Mumsnet meet-up near to you? Check the talk board - also don't tell anyone but I have made a couple of lovely friends through Netmums meet-a-mum page, you just have to filter out the huns

Original poster

duffybeatmetoit · 01/12/2012 00:56

UPDATE: Well I'm 18 mths down the line. DH left me and returned to the old area earlier in the year. I did make a friend at work but she is now with a new partner and I only see her at work. DD has started school but there aren't any new mums just the same ones from before.

I had initially gathered that they all worked but since then have found that none of them work more than 3 days a week and I'm very much full time. They mainly socialise during the day, leaving weekends free for family time. So all attempts to organise things on a weekend get rebuffed. I still get the occasional mention of events that they should have invited me to but I see less of them now as I can't often drop off DD at school and never able to pick up.

Halloween was a good illustration. I had been in touch with one of the mothers to find out when they were going trick or treating and we arranged a time which meant a dash back from work but made it with 15 mins to spare. DD got dressed up and we went round but the house was in darkness. No response when I rang her mobile. We went back home and waited for a while but no sign so we set off just the two of us. Didn't see anyone whilst we were out. Later found out that there had been a party thrown by another mother which most people had gone to. The mother I'd made the arrangements with has never mentioned this party but said they'd rung the doorbell later in the evening (by which time we'd returned home) but I hadn't heard the bell at any time.

It is soul destroying. So now I am the only full time working mum and only lone parent in the village which pretty much kills any hope of a social life.
DD seems happy enough just seeing people in school and having me to herself at weekends (we rarely see her father and he only ever comes up on a weekend when no one wants to go out).

Sorry - another long post but good to get it off my chest. The posters who were pessimistic were quite right in their observations.

OP posts:

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 01/12/2012 01:13

Hello Duffy, sorry to hear that things are not great.

I had a similar experience when I lived in Shropshire (you're not there are you?) - nice people but just very established friendship groups.

TBH I wouldn't chase them too much, they sound really rude.

Are there any Mumsnet meet ups near you?

JessePinkman · 01/12/2012 01:25

You don't need other people. You have a job and a lovely dd. Stop worrying about the village idiots.

Or move...nearer to your work?

SminkoPinko · 01/12/2012 01:33

Oh no.:( Can you move away from this hellish village? It sounds hideous. So sorry things are so awful at the moment.

HeathRobinson · 01/12/2012 01:51

I can't believe people act like this.

Can you move away from the village?

Chottie · 01/12/2012 02:45

I've just read your complete thread. I can't believe how unfriendly people have been. Do you have to stay in this village? It sounds so insular and unwelcoming. I would be seriously thinking about the future, do you really think things will change in a couple of years? You are young and should be having some fun too. { }

ohfunnyface · 01/12/2012 08:00

You sound so down :( is there any way you could move closer to your family?

Fakebook · 01/12/2012 08:26

:( I remember this thread. It's strange how so much can change in a year. Why did your H move back to the old area? Is there any way you can move back too?

LindyHemming · 01/12/2012 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuePurblyFeltYourPresents · 01/12/2012 08:34

Hi Duffy,

My situation was very similar - moved to lovely rural village, relationship broke down and I was very much the odd single parent. I moved out last year, partly for work and childcare (impossible to find either close by) and partly for the above.
Tbh it is still hard to make new 'adult' friends as a single person, particularly when time and money are short, but moving to a town means that even the groups I go to with DD (Rainbows, riding, school clubs) have a range of different people in, as opposed to the same old coven village clique.

Can you move? If not, can you arrange as much as possible out of the village?

Original poster

duffybeatmetoit · 01/12/2012 09:52

DH left because our relationship had been a mistake apparently. My job is here and is enjoyable so reluctant to change in the current job market. I earn enough to keep us going but there's next to no spare cash for going out with.

I had wanted to move but dh wasn't keen (this was just before he left). Splitting the money in the house if it was sold would very much restrict my options even if I could find a buyer.

It just all seems bleak at the moment and I feel guilty that it isn't great for DD either.

OP posts:

lopopo · 01/12/2012 10:16

Sorry Duffy. It sounds like you have had a rough time. These women are not helping either. I think they sound a bit thoughtless and selfish to be honest. There isnt really an excuse for adults to treat someone in this way. As others have suggested, I would just keep things polite for your DD's sake and concentrate on some of your older WI friends and making plans to see your close friends and family at the weekend. I'm a new mum and have met lots of new people recently but have probably only really connected with one or two people. Sometimes I find groups a bit superficial and hard work really. If you are feeling a bit down they can make you feel worse if you don't feel you are really connecting with anyone. Make an effort to catch up with a really old friend who knows you well - I think you will feel a bit better. Good luck to you.

HoleyGhost · 01/12/2012 10:16

What about regular activities that your dd could get involved in - swimming lessons, drama, gymnastics etc

And have you thought about online dating?

TheLightPassenger · 01/12/2012 10:25

didn't see the original thread, don't live in a village but can relate to difficulties making friends after having kids. sorry you have had such an awful time of it, particularly re:relationship breakdown. will come back to this later.

ohfunnyface · 01/12/2012 13:40

What is the PTA like at your school?

Are there reading groups or anything you can join?

Original poster

duffybeatmetoit · 02/12/2012 00:41

Been to one PTA (DD only 5) mostly the same women attend. Dd going to swimming lessons away from village attended largely from children from another school so parents all know each other and spend the session chatting about their school.

unexpected nope not in shropshire and not near any meetups.
Holey the thought of dating leaves me cold. I made such a massive error of judgment with dh that I don't want to risk getting it wrong again. I don't need a bloke in tow.

I've been thinking about moving all day. I don't know whether it would be any better anywhere else as the things that seem to get in the way of integrating - being a single parent and working full time aren't going to change.

OP posts:

ohfunnyface · 02/12/2012 00:45

No, but being around a more heavily populated place would raise your chances of meeting people in a similar position.

Could you investigate the job situation? Might give you a better idea if it's a viable option or not?

What would you say you were interested in? How would you like to spend your weekends?

Dancergirl · 02/12/2012 01:02

So sorry you're having a rough time.

You know, what makes me angry about something like this is if it was a child being excluded in this way, there would be cries of bullying...but it seems acceptable behaviour in adults. They sound horrible OP.

saccrofolium · 02/12/2012 06:40

I was one of those mothers! and it was only when the new girl, who had moved all the way from NZ blurted out that she was "so bloody lonely" that we cottoned on and hung our heads in shame. We'd got into a sort of habit of only the same people going to the same places and it wasn't a deliberate exclusion, just our own insensitivity.

Please OP, state what seems to be the obvious and tell them how you feel. They might be nice but stupid like we were.

gimmecakeandcandy · 02/12/2012 08:54

They sound horrible - how can they still be so unaware after so long? No, they are just not very nice or welcoming. I would move if I were you, take the time to look for a nice area maybe out of a village and move away and leave these horrid women behind. Also, next time they insult your intelligence by feeding you the same old lines say something like, 'you keep saying we must do something but it never happens does it?' Leave your statement open and see what they say. I would have said about Halloween too, asked very sweetly if there was a problem and is that why you were not included? Confront them and I bet they will be embarrassed - as they should be. What a bunch of nasty women. Excuses that were not aware is rubbish - they are horrid!

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