In thinking that mothers put an awful lot of pressure on themselves.

[BumWiper]

Time and time again I read posts both here and on RC about mothers putting themselves under so much pressure after the birth,be it natural or caesarian.

From being perfect hosts to visitors,to hen do's,to breastfeeding,to keeping a house in order
,the list just goes on and on.

Just this week I was out with a couple whose lovely DS was born at 33 weeks by CS 9 days ago.I went to introduce myself to find the mother hoovering!!Her in laws were coming to stay and apparently couldnt tolerate mess.I said give them the hoover if they want to clean,cause you're not doing it for at least six weeks.Not the first time I've come accross this.

So AIBU to think that we are not superwomen and that labour and birth needs recovery time?And that the people around them should be more insistant on them resting,no matter how well they feel?

Do you think the postnatal care system bears some responsibility for this as well?

As noted, women used to stay (and in some countries still do stay) for longer periods after birth. I had an EMCS and was sent home the next day (my French MIL completely freaked out about this). Mind you, I was happy to go home because it was the only way I could get some sleep at that point I hadn't slept for four days, and being on a ward with other ladies, having to take care of DS all night by myself because no partners allowed well, that's not really conducive to recovery is it?

I remember also, when the midwife came for a home visit three days later, I was worried I might have a UTI and she told me to walk over to the GP. I asked about other options as I could barely walk down the stairs still, and my feet were so swollen none of my shoes fit, and she told me it was time to stop lying around, I had a baby to take care of

Don't get me wrong, I know even after a CS it's better for your recovery to move around and stuff, but I know my DH was treated with a lot more care and respect after he had his hernia operation (which is also abdominal surgery).

It's just that once you're at home, it's hard not to feel like you 'should' be doing normal things.

dreaming According to the gynea team at our local hospital the fast cs turn around time is purely because they need the beds. Nothing to do with helping mums recover by getting them to get up. When I saw the nurse for my pre-op for my hysterectomy she was very vocal about the fact they thought the maternity ward was pushing mums too hard after a cs. I wish I'd known that with my first cs .

pink - I'm not stalking, honest, but I have just happened to notice your posts on a few threads in the last couple of day. Does your DH have any redeeming features, because he sounds like an unmitigated twat from what you have posted. So :( for you that he couldn't even support you after a CS.

I've had 2 sections, and after DS1 I tried to 'get back to normal' far too quickly and it ended up taking me 2 months to get over the resulting infections and other health problems.
With DS2 I moved between bed and sofa for 2 weeks, issuing instructions where needed but basically let my Mum take over and run my house while DH focused on looking after me and DS1. By 3 weeks I felt brilliant, and at not quite 3 months post-partum I feel healthier and stronger than I did at a year after DS1.

It's up to the individual. I had a lot of energy after my births and would have absolutely hated sitting about not doing anything. Having a 'babymoon' would have done my head in. Luckily I didn't have complications.
My husband did nothing at all round the house and in fact wasn't there at all after my 3rd birth. I did all the housework [actually made sure that everything was tidy before each birth] nad got showered and dressed each day.
I suppose I did feel some pressure but it was my choice as well. The very worst thing to me would be being made to stay indoors for a certain amount of time after the birth, that would probably have made me feel suicidal.

I don't think this is a new problem and I'm not sure women are responsible for creating it either. My MIL had a forceps delivery with her firstborn and was in hospital with him for a week. When she got home she pointed out to FIL that they were nearly out of bread which she normally baked herself, and he said I thought you'd want to make some! FIL isn't a bastard by the way, he just didn't really understand what recovering from birth is like.

I do think a lot of us have internalised the idea that happiness=success and that this is measured by what we present to the world rather than what we feel. Superficially we assume that the mother who has a spotless house and is going jogging again within 4 weeks of the birth is obviously better than the mother who is still blissfully bonding with her baby in her dressing gown surrounded by KitKat wrappers.

We also live in a society which has absorbed a lot of protestant work ethic claptrap. The only time we are absolved from work responsibility is when we are ill (if we are chronically ill and need support from the state we get vilified as scroungers after all). So one of the consequences of trying to normalise birth is that there is no logical reason why healthy women should be hanging around hospitals and once they are home they are clearly 'well' again and should just get on with things.

But finally I think like a lot of people I deal with stress and shock by trying to control the things that are within their grasp. I found myself furiously cleaning the house and weeding the garden when a close friend was dying of cancer. And I think keeping busy was also quite therapeutic for me whilst adjusting to becoming a mother. Although I am hoping next time I won't be quite so shocked and stressed and will therefore spend more time in my dressing gown surrounded by KitKat wrappers.

Meglet actually, that doesn't surprise me. So, so wrong.

Veronica I think everything you say is quite true. For the first few months after DS birth I was, er, the woman in the PJs with the KitKat wrappers I had two friends with newborns as well and they were always so busy, running to baby groups and coffees and going running, and they made me feel like a right slob sometimes. But I reminded myself their babies slept through from 3 weeks (really) whereas I never got more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. And anyway, I really loved my PJ time with my boy! We had a great lazy time. I highly recommend it

I had dd (2nd child) at home.. Helped at ds school in morning, made shepherds pie early afternoon, had dd late afternoon, reheated shepherds pie for tea for us & my patents (who had arrived to take ds overnight when I went into labour, but I was too quick for them!). Normal life resumed next morning & we entertained constantly for several days.. I wasn't trying to prove anything or live up to anyones expectations, I just had straightforwards birth & felt fine.

Have VERY happy memories of that time, if I was tired I would have rested more, if I didn't want visitors I would have told them. I never wear makeup or have a super tidy house anyway, so no pressure there