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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sleep in the living room?

64 replies

FamilyCircus · 17/06/2011 07:24

DP and I live in a smallish 2 bedroom flat with DS (9). We are hopefully moving soon but can only afford another 2 bedroom flat, but in a nicer area and with a private garden.

Space will still be restricted and I want to change the way we live in our new home to give us more options. DP has recently been retired and DS is home educated, so for the foreseeable future we're all at home for most of the day and we get in each others way.

I've suggested that we do away with our bedroom and make it into a study/hobby area/home education zone. I want to buy this bed and put it in the living room for us to sleep on. Clothes storage will be in what would have been our bedroom.

I'm also going to get bunk beds for DS's room so one of us can sleep in with him if we want to go to bed earlier than the other.

Has anyone done this? Is it a stupid idea?

OP posts:

FakePlasticTrees · 17/06/2011 09:26

Is your DH supportive of your decision to home ed? Because it sounds like he's not being if he's insisting on the TV being on in the day - if your DS was in a formal school environment, you'd both be complaining if there was a TV on in the corner of the room all the time.

I think you don't need to lose your bedroom, you need to have a serious talk to your DH about how the family space is used in the day. I can't see how having 3 people in that space at all times is going to work unless you have strict rules about how the space is allocated and have an agreement that DS's education has to be a priority over your own needs. If you can't do that, then I would suggest HE isn't going to work long term.

notimetotidy · 17/06/2011 09:35

Is there one bedroom bigger than the other? If so, could you DS have the bigger room and have a study area in that? I personally think you are mad to make the living room your bedroom. You just need to think more about storage, etc. As you know the wonderful IKEA is great with things like that. eg how about one of those mezzanine (sp) beds for your son then you would have the space underneath for desks etc.

fastweb · 17/06/2011 09:43

I missed the bit about the telly.

How about leaving the actual living room as the "family" living room\home ed\social space and setting up the parental bedroom (perhaps with sofa bed, armchair and second telly) as a space that doubles up as both bedroom and "grown up" daytime space ? It is only the telly that would distrub, he can always come out and jion you if he wants to, or come in and get something to take back into the "grown up" space. that way you wouldn't need to totally rejig the storage space of the bedroom, cos all you would have to fit in is an extra telly.

That way during the day your husband has a quiet space to do his own thing and in the evening if you or DH wants to stay up and watch the box you can cos the "real" living room is available, while the other one can pootle off to the bedroom with the second telly off and the bed made up ?

Might be an easier solution to live with when having people round and the day to day separation of "stuff".

TeamDamon · 17/06/2011 09:52

I think fastweb's idea is the best one: that you set up your bedroom as a grown-up room for day and night and set the living room up as the home-ed area with storage to suit.

It seems the ideal solution!

fastweb · 17/06/2011 10:01

Laquitar · 17/06/2011 10:04

Your dh is retired and your ds is HE. That means you have the freedom to move a bit further, cant you find a house with a small study or dining that can be used as study in a cheaper area?

Tbh i wouldn't like your idea. I would use the living as study. And i wouldn't sleep with a 10 yo.
Are you trying to avoid your dh?

KatyMac · 17/06/2011 10:15

I saw an ad for a bed on the telly where the whole mattress hinged up and was supported while you accessed stuff underneath - would that help?

Original poster

FamilyCircus · 17/06/2011 10:24

Am I trying to avoid DP? No, well at least not full-time anyway.

He has only been retired since January but we are getting under one another's feet. He was working full-time before then so he doesn't know what to do with himself now and ends up watching telly all day. Things have to change, we both know that, but I have to be patient with him. I've been at home with DS since he was born and I struggled at first, but even with a newborn baby I had more mobility than he has now .

Getting a bigger home is out of the question. I've been on a swappers forum for aaaaages and nothing better has come up. This potential swap is a lot better than we have at the moment as it has a garden, it's ground floor and it's in a rural location. I am up for swapping to any area in England as location is no longer an issue for us. We can't buy though as we are living on DP's pension and it's not enough to cover a mortgage.

FakePlasticTrees, yes he is supportive; we've been HEing for 2 and half years and it works well for us. DS doesn't want to go back, and we don't want to force him.

We're in this situation and I can't see a short term way out of it. I feel a bit of a fool saying this as it probably won't work, but I'm hoping to start a business doing home sewing; clothing repairs, making curtains/cushions etc. I would need a private space for that, away from cooking smells and clutter to make it work. It's the only way I can think of to be able to continue with HE and make a living. Then maybe we can buy.

I'm at the end of my tether to be honest. I'm juggling everything with very little help from DP. We're ok financially as his pension is generous, but not generous enough for us to upgrade. We're lucky to be in HA accommodation as it least our home is secure; we would most probably have lost it had we been buying when he first got ill.

Must start buying those lottery tickets again.

OP posts:

Original poster

FamilyCircus · 17/06/2011 10:26

Ooh Katymac, I love those. Have been looking at a few of them online but the companies that make them don't seem to mention prices, which is not a good indication. They would be perfect though.

OP posts:

Allinabinbag · 17/06/2011 10:35

It sounds really hard, however, I think you should have another go at making your son's bedroom the HE area. Otherwise two out of the three rooms in your small flat are given over to him and his needs, which I would do to give another child a separate room, but not for one child who really only needs one room HE or not. Plus if your husband is watching TV in the living room, you really need to let him do that undisturbed even if you think he should be doing something better with his time!

I second the idea of someone to give your son the largest bedroom, perhaps buy one of those bunk-beds with a desk underneath (probably same price or cheaper than a day-bed) and make it a proper study area, with chairs for you, resources etc. I think expecting him to have a bedroom and a school-room whilst you and your husband sleep on a temp bed is not quite right really.

I have done this myself by the way, slept on the sofa to give my PFB a room, but the first thing to suffer is your good night's sleep shortly followed by your opportunities for intimacy, so I think retaining some adult only space is best, especially if you and your husband need to chat more about the future etc.

Original poster

FamilyCircus · 17/06/2011 10:47

Thanks Allin... It is hard to be honest, so I try to be pragmatic. Talking to DP is very difficult as he takes things personally when they are not meant to be. We have argued an awful lot about the TV being on during the day and he promises to try and do things differently, but it comes down to having virtually nothing else to do. He is practically housebound at the moment due to the stairs, but that won't be an issue when we move.

We did start out HEing by kitting DS's room out with a desk, bookcase, stationery storage etc. His room is just slightly smaller than ours and it wasn't worth changing them around. The bedrooms in the new flat are very similar but I will let him have the largest if we keep our own bedroom. Having DS study in his own room wasn't successful when we last tried it. There were just too many distractions in the way of toys to get him to knuckle down and work. It might be different now that he's older and doesn't need constant one-to-one while studying.

Sounds stupid but I hadn't even considered combining his bedroom with his study area when we move. It could be the ideal solution. I could always set up a sewing area in my bedroom as well.

OP posts:

fastweb · 17/06/2011 10:48

FamilyCircus

Would there be any chance of getting DH involved in the HE, to give him a wider range of things to spend his time on ?

Original poster

FamilyCircus · 17/06/2011 11:03

Yes, I think when he starts to feel less depressed (it's not clinical depression, just caused by his circumstances) then he would enjoy getting more involved.

He could definitely take over on some of the excursions we do to give me a break. Well, he can do once we're in a ground floor home and he has a wheel chair sorted.

He needs an attitude adjustment, although I don't mean that to sound as cynical as it does. His life is different now and he's not in the same circumstances as his friends. Still, he's alive and he has free time to do what he wants. I hope he starts to see that soon.

OP posts:

Mandy2003 · 17/06/2011 11:12

I think you should persevere with DS having his bedroom as a study area. Perhaps a distinct separation of "stuff", with toys and leisure items maybe in a special storage area that is "locked" during "school hours", maybe like one of those home office cabinets that Argos do?

Then he will make the distinction, and non-HE items won't be on display to distract him.

I wish you all the best, it must be a great upheaval to have had your DH retire from work. I hope he can find some interests that will expand his horizons. As he is disabled, maybe he could still volunteer for something, using the internet or phone perhaps, or study for his own interest? Or if he can't manage heavy gardening, maybe container or patio gardening with some raised beds perhaps?

KatyMac · 17/06/2011 11:17

here?

KatyMac · 17/06/2011 11:18

I use floor to ceiling kitchen cupboards for storage; it's amazing how much stuff they take

Original poster

FamilyCircus · 17/06/2011 11:29

I like that KatyMac, but it would still be a 'bed' during the day. Great for storage though if we end up keeping our bedroom. [daydreams about filling it with fabric]

Thanks Mandy . I think getting DP to develop some interests is the biggest hurdle for us to get over. I can't wait for us to get our hands on that garden. He is capable of small burst of energy as long as he can rest whenever he wants to. We could have seating in the garden and he could do woodwork stuff and gardening (both things he's always wanted to do but never had the opportunity).

He isn't confined to a wheelchair; he only needs one when he would otherwise need to be on his feet for 20 minutes or more. He isn't much of a 'studier'. He's always relied on his physical strength for work and that's why he's so gutted about his disability. I daren't mention to him about trying to get a job in an office as it sets off weeks of bad moods. I don't blame him; I wouldn't be too impressed if someone suggested that I train to be a plumber or something. It just wouldn't be me.

OP posts:

howabout · 17/06/2011 11:37

Is your DH capable of being left alone in the house with DS given his disabilities? If so have you considered some kind of part time work outside the home for you and leaving him and DS to sort out the HE between them?

Original poster

FamilyCircus · 17/06/2011 11:39

Yes, he could look after DS while I worked. I will look for a part time job when we move; it's not worth looking at the moment as we'll be too far away for me to continue it.

I would rather work from home though, but it's not very practical seeing as we're so short on space.

OP posts:

howabout · 17/06/2011 11:48

I just thought if you worked outside the home for some of the day anyway then it would give you and DH a bit of space from each other and also give him a bit more of a sense of purpose. I have a disabled DH too so I am aware of at least some of your issues.

cestlavielife · 17/06/2011 11:52

try a wall bed

www.wallbeddiy.co.uk/

Original poster

FamilyCircus · 17/06/2011 11:54

Thanks howabout. Yes, it would help for us to have some time apart from each other. DS doesn't really need to be supervised while he studies, he just needs a bit of initial direction and then he gets on with it.

It would actually work out ok I think without us having to lose our bedroom. If DS studied in his room and I went part-time at work then DP could watch TV when he wants to without me moaning at him. I am probably not helping by putting pressure on him to do something productive.

OP posts:

Original poster

FamilyCircus · 17/06/2011 11:56

They are fab cestlevielife. Prices are high but cheaper than expected.

I would totally love one of those.

OP posts:

howabout · 17/06/2011 12:11

Don't put too much pressure on yourself either. Carers need a life too or they burn out.

Original poster

FamilyCircus · 17/06/2011 12:21

Ohhh, I do feel burnt out. I really bloody do. Feel as if I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders and nobody can really help.

I have built this move up to be the answer to all our problems and realistically it won't be that different. HE was the perfect solution for DS and his little issues, but I never would have contemplated it if I'd known how life was going to pan out. Continuing with it is my way of trying to reduce the impact on DS, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. While DP is physically capable of quite a lot, he isn't emotionally available most of the time. I'm hoping that changes with time as I can't cope with everything indefinitely.

Life can really smack you in the face sometimes.

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