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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm not over-reacting about DS's "pretend" suicide?

54 replies

Lorenz · 16/06/2011 16:40

Sorry, posted this twice. I need help.

DS2 was told on the way home from school that his elder brother, DS1 attempted to cut his wrists open today with a sharp stone after being punched and kicked by other kids.

DS1's facebook page confirms that this happened and it ended with a huge group of kids surrounding DS in a corner panicking.

I spoke to DS tonight who has no marks on him at all (so he can't have tried that hard, to put it bluntly) and he laughed and said he was just "acting like a twat like everyone else at the school".

I don't know what to do. 2 weeks ago he was pinned to the ground by 10 kids, had a cigerette stubbed out on him and permanant marker all over his face. He's called gay, ugly, freak, nerd, perv etc constantly. I have spoken to the school who bring in the other kids parents each time it happens but with this latest stunt I'm thinking this is seriously out of hand now.

DS says I am over-reacting and going "over the top" and he was only messing around but the other kids watching clearly didn't see the funny side.

What would you do? he's 12.

OP posts:

uselesscamhs · 16/06/2011 18:28

Ask GP to refer for urgent CAMHS assessment.

TidyDancer · 16/06/2011 18:34

I have no experience with parenting this age group, but my gut instinct is to pull him out of the school on a permanent basis and find another slot for him elsewhere. Home school in the meantime if you can or if it takes some time.

I wouldn't let the school get away with doing jack shit for your son though, they clearly have so far learned nothing from the young girl who sadly died.

I was bullied at school, and I would've told my mum she was overreacting if she confronted anything, but it's because I was embarrassed I wasn't liked, not because my mum actually was overreacting.

veritythebrave · 16/06/2011 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tallulahxhunny · 16/06/2011 18:48

ach verity :( god love her, that is so sad someone so young is made to feel so sad!

A little girl down the street from me took an overdose due to bullying, she was 11 when she died :(

I personally would kill someone who put a cig out on my son no matter what age/sex they were. He needs help. Hope you get it sorted soon x

alistron1 · 16/06/2011 18:50

Pull him out of school and see your GP. You are not over reacting.

AlpinePony · 16/06/2011 18:53

Tidydancer - I get that. :( the admission that you're being bullied is the admission that you're a 'freak'. It's bad enough school knowing, without home knowing too.

MamaChoo · 16/06/2011 18:55

Often self-harming is not taken seriously as it is seen as a poor attempt at suicide. Please make sure any health practitioners you see bout this include self-harm as a possibility rather than dismissing the 'suicide' as 'pretend' as it is a classic way for people of all ages to deal with emotional and psychological pain.

x2boys · 16/06/2011 18:57

i would take him out of the school and demand to know why the school is allowing this to happen also i may contact the police he is a child and no child should have to go through that

TidyDancer · 16/06/2011 19:01

Alpine, it's so tragic isn't it? I went through it a few times (chubby child with frizzy hair from a poor-ish background, I was a good target), and it went on for far longer than it needed to because I was so ashamed of my family knowing. It's the sheer horror that they'll know you're low down in the social pecking order. So sad. :(

HerHissyness · 16/06/2011 19:09

My sister just attended the funeral of a 16yo.

There IS no over-reaction. Do whatever you have to do to keep him safe, talk to him, get him to tell you what he wants to happen and move heaven and earth to get it done.

please gently explain to him that killing himself is never, ever an option, that you are there to help, listen, and will never ever judge, that you will fight to the death for him.

I'd be going into that school and taking up residence until they sorted it.

Lancelottie · 16/06/2011 19:19

Don't assume the bullying will happen elsewhere because he's a natural target! We thought that for too long -- how do we help him act different?

We moved our son last term. He's still him (small, nerdy, Aspergers, speccy, loud, socially inept) but now happy.

Oh, he told the CAMHS team that the suicide talk was 'just a joke' too.

Dontbugmemalone · 16/06/2011 19:21

I would take your DS to the GP who should refer him to a counsellor.
I went through years of bullying and this really helped me.

I self harmed as a teen, when my mum found out, she told me 'To stop being so fucking silly'. So I can't recommend talking and supporting your DS enough.

If the school won't do anything else, I would get the police involved.

So sorry your DS is going through this.

CrapolaDeVille · 16/06/2011 19:22

The kid with the cigarette should have been arrested and the school should have called the Police.

Don't send him back EVER.

Help him build bridges but don't assume that he will attract bullies, that's a pretty worrying thing to say for his Mum. Get him thinned lenses ffs.

Rhinestone · 16/06/2011 19:36

Another vote for calling the police. If this happened to an adult who was simply walking down the street then it would obviously be a police matter.

But if it happens to children in a building designated for education then it's a matter for...the anti-bullying policy.

Fuck that - why do children deserve less protection under the law?

thejaffacakesareonme · 16/06/2011 19:40

Your poor son. It is great that he has you and that you want to do what you can to help him. I don't have kids of that age but wonder if there are any charities that could help you with advice, in addition to CAMHS? I haven't googled but just thought that it is the sort of topic where there may well be specialist charities who could give you excellent advice.

Oh, and I wouldn't let him go back to that school. Time for a clean start somewhere else. Would you have any nephews or know of other lads a year or two older that may help him get kitted out with some new clothes and a new hairstyle?

Good luck

tiredfeet · 16/06/2011 19:47

It wouldn't necessarily happen at a different school. He shouldn't have to change how he looks (unless he wants to, in which case help him). I don't recall any physical violence at my (state) school, I think because there were plenty of geeky brainy types so they (ok, ok, we ) had some solidarity, plus even the worst bullies were pretty mild (a bit of name calling).

Pumpernickel10 · 16/06/2011 19:52

I am so sorry to hear this. From someone who also slit their wrists when I was at school. I was a goth and a punchbag for every bullying lowlife.
He will get over it and he will be stronger and the better man for it.
He did what he did for a cry for help. He can't stand the bullying anymore and doing this was the last straw.
I hope he's ok?

MrsWembley · 16/06/2011 19:59

Another vote for getting the police involved re the cigarette incident. You have to let the other kids know how serious this is before another one tries it. Getting booted out if school just moves the problem, it doesn't solve it.

And take heart from the parents on here who have told you that changing school for you child could be the best thing for him. Ignore any protests from him that you're over-reacting. You are not.

WelliesinJune · 16/06/2011 23:16

Oh my goodness. You poor thing. Can't imagine it - what a terrible thing to happen. Tbh I would look at moving schools/area - even if you have to live in a smaller house. I would also get counselling for both of them.

FabbyChic · 16/06/2011 23:31

Can he not wear contacts? Have you bought him nice frames for his glasses? Why is his hair long is that how he likes it?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 17/06/2011 05:19

Police involvement would be a priority for me. The facebook would be going too.
I am not sure how much longer you have until term ends. IIWM, I would have my DC out of that school and home ed until the end of term.
In the meantime, I would be looking at a different school for him.

itisnearlysummer · 17/06/2011 09:25

I have absolutely nothing to say that hasn't been said already, but I was shocked when I read that your DS is 12. Not that this would been any less appalling if he were older, but my DS is 12 and also a bit nerdy and I can't imagine him going to school every day facing this.

I would get the police involved too. The school expelling the pupil is a way of dealing with it 'in house'. Schools are very concerned about having a reputation for having bullies, primarily because it makes them look bad, people don't send their children there, their budget is reduced, etc.

Don't assume that because a Head Teacher has dealt with this that they have made the best/right/only decision.

Original poster

Lorenz · 17/06/2011 10:13

Update:

Thanks for all the advice yesterday. I spoke to DS, told him about a young girl at his school who was "messing around" pretending to commit suicide to shock her mum and the tragedy is, she misjudged the situation and ended up really hanging herself. She died two days later and the coroner ruled accidental death. Suicide is NOT something to be messed around with. It is no joke. My uncle was feeling pissed off at the world once, took a load of paracetamols, called himself an ambulance a few minutes later - died on the way to hospital. Another accidental death ruled.

I told him there is ALWAYS another option. If he REALLY wants to go to the other school, it will always be an option. If school simply wasn't working out at all, he'd stay home. It will never be a case of "soz kid, you're just going to have to put up with it". He seemed happy with this, still insists I'm over-reacting and insisting on going to school today as he doesn't want to mess his attendance record up, plus he has drums lesson and drama! I told him ANY hassle, he is to come straight home. Sod the teachers, I'll call them when he gets here.

So he's in school now and I called the school and am awaiting a return phonecall.

OP posts:

waitfortheblackout · 17/06/2011 10:32

I hope he has a better day today.

porcamiseria · 17/06/2011 10:44

Oh Lorenz my heart goes out to you and your DS

take it serously, take it very serously

I cut my wrists and it WAS a cry for help, me may feel silly now but this is not working.

good luck XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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