Should I give DS some independence?

[mumof2monsters]

Not sure where to put this thread actually as not sure it is here but hey ho.
My DS is 10 in August but he is the youngest in his year and his best friend is nearly a year older.
Anyway should I now let him go off to the village on his own or to visit friends or go to the park?

I am not an anxious parent but have to admit that I do worry about him as altho he is sensible it is some of his friends that are not.
I now let him go swimming on weds evenings but as it is a bit far from our house I drive him there and pick him up later. One of his friends walks or cycles there but lives a bit closer.

He came out of school the other day to ask if he could walk to mcdonalds with his friends. To get to Mcdonalds he does have to cross 2 busy roads and I said no. His reaction was that I never let him do anything!

As it turns out he told me that the friends that did walk there were throwing their drinks in the road and got told off by a driver. I said to him that they were not being sensible then and I had just cause to be wary about letting him go.

WE have just stayed at my brother-in-laws and his wife lets their kids who are similar ages wonder around the village and go to the park etc. I just worry about my DS getting hurt or some weirdo approaching him.

I remember when I was his age I walked home from school on my own, was out til late etc. I know I have to let go but I want to find some happy medium. Please anyone I would appreciate your advice.

Shakey - I think other posters are right - you need to give independence bit by bit. I think it also helps to remember that being too over protective is actually selfish. Children need to learn independence gradually. To stop that happening because as a parent you get too anxious is selfish.

And just remind yourself that you don't want an 18 year old who is still very dependent on his mum because he never learned to look after himself. I think it must be terrifying to watch your 18 year old go to university forexample, if they have hardly been allowed out without a supervising adult.

Shakey - when you are doing your 'what ifs' make sure you add these ones in:

'What if he doesn't learn to look after himself? How will he cope as a teenager when I have to let him out?'

'What will his life be like if he doesn't learn to take responsibility for himself?'

'How will it affect his self-confidence and sense of self if I tell him the world is a big scary place and I don't think he can cope with it?

I worry too but I worry much more about what will happen if I don't let them grow up (cause I've seen the damage this can do in my own family, my bro is a 36 year old man-child).

I read postings on the internet about young adults who had parents who had been over protective. They seemed to break down into 2 groups.

1. Children who as soon as they got away from home, usually when they went to University, went absolutely wild. These young people drank loads, hung around with dodgy people, etc.

1. Children who became anxious and scared of every day life. These young adults got anxious at everyday things even though they were 19,20 years old. They got anxious about travelling on buses themselves, walking down streets they didn't know, etc.

I don't think any normal parent would want their adult children to be like either of these 2 examples. So just gradually allow dependence in small easy steps - and try to ignore your own anxiety. We all get anxious about this you know, even seemingly laid back parents like myself.

I don't agree that if you don't let them out young they can't cope later on,say 12/13.

My niece was given no freedom at all,but by 16 was driving long distances and is able to cross roads etc...with no problem.

I didn't let my eldest do much in the way of crossing roads (on his own) till he was 10, the brain is developed enough then.

During the lead up to that point, I spent hours drumming in road safety points with him.

I think if you don't feel comfortable yet,its OK :) keep working toward to the goal of securing independence as a young teen.

I also believe it is down to luck when very young kids are allowed out and about,I don't believe they are any more 'street smart' than those who started that journey a little bit later.

Of course, most of this depends on where one lives.

Thanks for the advice.

My one salvation is that at least I'm aware of my issue (well, it makes me feel better anyway!)

I think it's more to with that because I was/am pretty clueless at being a parent and worry needlessly about being judged as a crap parent. So, any likelyhood of him falling or similar sends me into a totally unreasonable tailspin during which I imagine people blaming me for the cut/bruise/whatever due to being negligent. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense and seems waaaayyyyy over the top. It's just my gut reaction which, at the moment, I seem powerless to change.

BUT, I know I will have to. I agree that being a helicopter parent (and I feel like I have just stood up "My name is Shakey and I'm a gulp helicopter parent) is not condusive to an independant child and I do sooo much want him to be self sufficient, confident etc. So I am going to have to take a leap of faith and let go slowly. And buy lots of plasters.