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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To attend ex's mothers funeral tomorrow?

50 replies

overstepping · 15/06/2011 11:40

Namechanged (yawn) as this makes me sooo identifiable to friends and family.

My ExP's mother has died. She was a really really lovely lady. I thought a great deal of her.

I was with my ExP for 11 years. We split a long time ago- about 8 years. It wasn't a nice split, neither my Ex, the OW or myself behaved particularly well. He has since got married (to the OW), The split was initially incredibly difficult for me and nearly pushed me over the edge, probably because he was my first boyfriend,we were together for a long time, and I was naive . However, after some time I realised we were not suited, it was for the best and I managed to move on. I genuinely wish him and his wife well, and I am very happily married with 2 (mostly) delightful DCs.

My relationship with the Ex is fine, we are friendly if we see each other and have called each other at key milestones (marriage, kids etc) to pass on our best wishes.

I was totally shocked that his mother's death shook me so badly. She was like a mother to me during a time in my life when my own mother had a lot of problems including an alcohol and drug habit. I am devastated and cannot get my head around someone so lovely and full of life has gone. I know death comes to us all so this is a strange way to feel. It has been hard to explain how I feel to friends and family as they all seem to think that as I am over the Ex, I should not be so sad about the death of him DM.

I do realise this is all a bit self indulgent and that of course my Ex and his family have a million times more right and reason to be grieving. I know that at a time like this is is their feelings and wishes that must come first.

However, I feel very strongly that I would like to go to the funeral. To say goodbye, pay my respects and be there as someone who thought a great deal of her. I was planning to sit at the back, keep myself to myself (ie not be unfriendly but be in the background if possible) and not attend the wake.

I have seen my Ex and his family many times over the years and everyone has been friendly. His parents always made the effort to catch up at when we saw each other when out and about. So I didn't think it would be a problem for me to attend. I sought the opinion of a few close friends and they all said they thought it would be fine to go.

However, my work colleagues have told me today that they think it is totally inappropriate and I am now in a muddle. The thought of not going makes me feel very very sad but this is not about me is it?

Sorry for the epic post- AIBU to want to go?

OP posts:

Mumwithadragontattoo · 15/06/2011 12:14

Given that you have already been in touch with your ex to express condolences I think you could simply go to the funeral without making a big issue of it. You are best placed to say whether another text would help things along or not.

Original poster

overstepping · 15/06/2011 12:15

Shouty yes that's what I mean.

I know that it is going to be a big funeral.

I don't know the Ex's wife well. He did cheat on me with her, before which i had met her a few times. Then there was the messy fighting over him bit (cringe). But its all so long ago, I harbor no bad feelings towards her and I am glad they are both happy. I guess though that given a choice she would prefer that I wasn't there, and I feel she won't want me bothering them via text today.

I am not planning on talking with the family (without being rude). I just feel I want to say goodbye....

OP posts:

Mumwithadragontattoo · 15/06/2011 12:18

Just go and be as low key as possible. It obviously means a lot to you and it sounds as though your ex is taking your condolences as they were intended since he thanked you for them.

oohlaalaa · 15/06/2011 12:19

No need to text, as you say it makes it sound like there is unfinished business. He will be grieving over his mother, not worrying about your presence at the back of the church.

bumpybecky · 15/06/2011 12:24

Go. Sit at the back, be low key.

Chocolategirl3 · 15/06/2011 12:28

I would definitly go, this isn't about you or you ex, this is about a woman who you were friends with who made time for you even after your split from your ex. Pay your respects to her, you will probably find that her family members would be shocked if you didn't turn up x as for your work collegues, they are well out of order.

rachelkarengreene · 15/06/2011 12:30

FWIW I was sad that my ex did NOT attend my Dad's funeral despite the very acrimonious split. I wouldn't have expected notice that he was going, tbh I think you don't notice alot on the day of your parent's funeral but afterwardsa you think, ah wasn't it nice that x made the effort.
Hope it goes OK.

ZZZenAgain · 15/06/2011 12:32

I don't think it would be inappropriate to attend. I wouldn't text first

littleducks · 15/06/2011 12:37

I wouldn't text, especially if the funeral is actually today, that could come across as a bit attention seeking. Just go and keep a low profile, nobody could object to that.

Tangle · 15/06/2011 12:40

From what you've said here:

you've already been in contact.
its a big funeral
you have an amicable relationship with your Ex (and his wife)
you have an amicable relationship with your Ex's father, that continued after you split
you had a significant and amicable relationship with your Ex's mother - both during and after your relationship with her son.

On that basis I'd go, sit quietly at the back, express condolences and plan to leave. As the funeral is now just a few hours away I wouldn't contact your Ex again.

The only reason I wouldn't go is if you've downplayed the situation with your Ex's wife - "preferring" you not to be there is very different to "would be very upset to see you", for example, and if the latter I would probably not go but for the former I would.

HarlotOTara · 15/06/2011 12:41

Just go - my dh went to his ex-wife's mother's funeral. Absolutely no problem at all

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/06/2011 12:42

I'd go, you knew this lady well and you don't need to be in the 'spotlight', just go to pay your respects.

RossettiConfetti · 15/06/2011 13:05

If I were you I would go, don't text first. Your ex's mother would probably have wanted you to, and possibly your ex too. Either way, it's doubtful anyone will pay much attention to your presence. It'll be fine, I'm sure - let us know afterwards if we were right.

bubblecoral · 15/06/2011 13:13

I'd go, but what with it being so soon, I wouldn't text. I would have done otherwise though, and I think you should have done it before now. But the family have mre important things to do than answer your texts, and if your presence will be hard for them, you haven't really given them any chance to say so, or think clearly about it.

Your plan is good though, stay out of the way, and don't go to the wake.

FWIW, I sympathyse. I was devesated when my ex's DF passed away about two years after we split, and I was honoured to be invited to travel in the family cars. I think that may have been partly so that I was there on behalf of the grandchildren though, who were too young to go.

2rebecca · 15/06/2011 13:19

If it's today it's too late to text.

gotolder · 15/06/2011 14:30

My ex appeared at my DM's funeral with no prior notice. Was not best pleased as he had been disliked by my DM but had to admit that he was very respectful and did not (for once in his life) seek to be the centre of attention and left quietly at the end.

If you have already been there by the time you read this I am sure that no-one will have been distressed by your showing your respect for this lovely lady.

upahill · 15/06/2011 14:37

Let us know how you got on overstepping.

Hope you are ok.

Original poster

overstepping · 15/06/2011 20:35

Thank you for your thoughtful input everyone.

I went to the funeral. It was a lovely service and I am glad I went. I stood at the back as planned. The church was packed.

ExP did a very thoughtful lovely speech.

I don't think he or his wife, or immediate family even realised I was there as there were so many well wishers.

As I left ExP's sister saw me and said it was lovely of me to come and gave me a hug. I thought that was such a kind thing for her to say.

I made my way straight to the car park afterwards, avoiding the 'crowd'. It felt a bit strange to be avoiding people but I think it was the right thing to do and I hope people understood.

I managed to keep it together during the funeral, which I am pleased about.

It was incredibly strange to see so many 'old friends ' who used to be a big part of my life and to walk away without speaking to them. I am usually a sociable type so it felt a bit alien but again I think it was the right thing to do.

I strangely want to let ExP know that his speech was very touching and that his memories of his mother painted a lovely picture of her. But it's not my place to say anything and I am sure plenty of other people will have said it anyway.

Feeling very emotional and thoughtful after today. Will try to put it behind me tomorrow.

OP posts:

FlamingFannyDrawers · 15/06/2011 20:45

OP, i'm glad you decided to go and everything was ok. Your ex mil sounds like a lovely lady and i'm sure she would have wanted you there.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2011 21:00

My condolences x

FWIW, I think you did exactly the right thing

Tuppence2 · 15/06/2011 21:39

I think you did the right thing in going. She made an impact on your life and you showed her respect by attending.
at my gran's (mum's mum's) funeral, my dad (mum's exh) and a boyfriend from when my mum was in her 20's both attended, to pay their respects to my gran. And it really showed us all how much she actually affected people's lives and it was a comfort to us.

FabbyChic · 15/06/2011 22:20

I think you should ask if it is okay to go, alternatively send flowers to show your sadness at her passing.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 15/06/2011 23:58

I'm glad you went. It sounds like it was something you really needed to do and it sounds like the close family that noticed you were happy to see you.

begonyabampot · 16/06/2011 01:40

Glad it went well. For me the funeral is mostly about the family and making it as easy as possible for them - seems like it all went ok.

TeenieLeek · 16/06/2011 02:05

I am glad that you went. From personal experience, it is very comforting to see that so many people who knew person who has passed away was touched enough by them to want to pay their respects. When my Dad died the cards which meant most to us were the ones that contained a little anecdote or reminiscence about him, especially when they came from people we hardly knew. I much preferred that to the ones where people were just sayting that they were thinking of us- you rather want to feel that others are also feeling the loss, not just feeling sympathy for those who are still alive.

A little AIBU? of my own here - when my Dad died it was about 3 years since I had split up from exP of 5 years. No kids or anything but he had got to know my family very well, spent Christmasses with us etc. We had stayed on amicable terms, still had mutual friends. When I told him about my Dad I said that my Mum would appreciate a card. He never sent one. That was 3 years ago. I haven't spoken to him since, our friends know never to invite us to the same things and I am still angry enough that I would definitely bring it up if we were ever to cross paths. Mutual friends have said " oh, maybe he just didn't know what to say" but I think that's a pathetic excuse, all you have to do is to buy a pre-printed one and sign ffs.

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