to give DD these consequences

[Servalan]

Urrgh - feeling like a crap mum at the moment and wondering if I've been heavy-handed on the consequence front...

DD (aged 4, nearly 5) has just been to her friend's birthday party. They were given party bags as they were going out. DD asked if she could have her sweets and I said that she could eat them when we got home (we only live 2 mins round the corner).

DD then threw a huge tantrum about how she wanted them NOW. I told her that if she continued speaking to me like that, she wouldn't get them today at all. More screaming at this point, so I told her that she wouldn't be getting them today.

On hearing this, she then hit me. I made her sit in time out and told her that since she had hit me, she wouldn't be getting any birthday cake today either, but she could earn her sweets and cake back tomorrow if I saw some good behaviour.

I then had screaming and tantrumming all the way home. I told her that if she didn't stop, she would be going straight to bed when we got home. During the screaming and tantrumming, she hit me again. She tried to wriggle out of holding my hand when I insisted she held it, then she tried to bite me.

She is now in bed. She's not had a bed time story. I did kiss her goodnight and tell her that I loved her before I left the room. She is now screaming and crying in her room.

Don't think I've handled it well at all :(

Bleuurrgh :(

I'm hearing that - I hate it when I come home from work and the wife tells me I need to tell my girls off. one of them is so stubborn that it can easily escalate to sending her to bed and I hate missing the small amount of time I get with them in the evening

YANBU. Asking someone to wait for 2 minutes before getting their sweets is a perfectly fair request and actually, I never allowed my dcs to wander along the road scoffing sweets (not when they were in my company anyway!!) so would have said similarly.

Your dd is quite old enough to realise that throwing a major strop is never going to be the way to persuade a parent to change their mind and once you'd been bitten I think it was fair to withdraw the birthday cake too.

You sound like a lovely caring mother so don't beat yourself up. Most children are vile after parties and you tackled the tantrum very well.

Absolutely you did the right thing not to give in to the tantrum. Once you've reached tantrum stage it's too late to do anything other than stand firm.

Hmm, I've been thinking about this. I think that I wouldn't have seen it as giving in to have let her have the sweets when you got home. The original thing was that she had to wait (presumably not very long) to have the sweets, not that she wasn't allowed them at all. So ignoring the tantrum and letting her have them when you got home would have been fine, IMO. Giving in would have been to open them there in the street.

BUT having said this, DS is 2.8 and I don't expect him to have that much control over his emotions yet, especially if he's tired and/or having a sugar crash after a party. I don't know if I will feel differently when he's 4 :)

Probably overtired, overexcoited and oversugared. I think you did what any normal mum would have, don't beat yourself up. Hitting you a 2nd time invalidates any earlier agreement.

That is exactly what I would have done with DD2 (age 4). I also have a DD aged 10 and now know that showing very little tolerance to unacceptable behaviour, and following through with whatever I've said I'll do, do reaps rewards. This is from years trial and error, and thinking that the right thing to do was to give DD1 some leeway in these situations - it always ended up escalating into total meltdown. Much better to have an early night - they never hold a grudge and will quickly learn that you mean what you say and won't change your mind once made up. Honestly, it's good parenting- well done! (Please don't think I'm being smug - it was a steep learning curve with DD1!)