to be at the end of my tether with my three boys?

[frazzlenz]

I have three sons between 6 and 12. They are good boys at heart but DH and I struggle to keep them under control. I do have rules and high expectations of good behaviour so its not for want of trying. Maybe I go back on punishments too much sometimes.

I really don't know what to do about today though. We were watching a school production and I left the elder two to go and get the youngest one from downstairs. While I was downstairs the middle boy comes down crying. Seems his older brother (12) punched him hard in the stomach after the middle boy hurt him while larking around. I know DS2 is not without blame but I am appalled at DS1s behaviour considering he is a senior at the school and it it was in front of teachers, parents, little kids. One mum intervened apparently.

I'm not sure how I should punish DS1 to be honest and I am so sick of feeling like I have to have the boys on a tight leash ALL of the time. There seems to be a lack of respect to each other and towards both me and DH. I thought I was a pretty tough parent doing a good job but their behaviour makes me wonder if I am any such thing. Part of me thinks that its to do with tiredness near end of term but I am also sick of making excuses for them all the time.

AIBU to expect better behaviour from three boys?

i love their loyalty and now they have a baby sister they are BESOTTED with her and ds1 is already talking about how he will make sure no boys are ever mean to her! lol i think she will have fun when she is older, she already loves them and gives them her biggest smiles etc and is happy to be held and carried round by the eldest two, total entertainment on tap!

I had two boys very close in age and when they grew to fighting age I was appalled. But then I was an only child who would have loved siblings and couldn't understand their desire to fight each other. Not that anyone else was allowed to fight an individual brother, mind because they were fiercely loyal to each other. Life could feel very confusing and frustrating at times though as emotions switched from love to hate in a matter of moments!

Mine were worst between the age of 9 and 13 but I did instil in them a few basic rules - no public fighting and no serious hurting. I would also separate them if the red mist came down and would insist that they stayed separate if they couldn't be trusted to exercise any self-discipline. The trouble, in fairness, almost always started with ds1 who came across as the most pleasant, well mannered boy outside the house but if bored at home would wind up the bigger, stronger but innately gentler ds2, so that eventually he'd flip and wallop ds1.

In order to keep them on the right side of civilised they got a great deal of fresh air and exercise since I agree that boys really do need to be run like dogs! When they did kick off, I didn't find that acting like a Sergeant Major was any help. Instead, what really got to them was the knowledge that they'd disappointed me.

While all this sounds easy now, there were times when I wondered whether they'd ever stop the squabbling. However, at 30 and 28 they are now inseparable (or would be if ds1 wasn't 12,000 miles away!) and ds2 refuses to get married without his brother as best man so his wedding has been scheduled for ds1's homecoming. DS1 is similarly close to his younger brother and was tremendously supportive to him when ds2 was away at university. So don't be too downcast at the moment, OP, things may well change as they get older.

I second the lots of exercise thing. We have trampoline, goals and climbing frame/tyre swing/climbing wall/slide contraption. Every square foot of the garden is covered in equipment.

I love this time of year as they spend most of their time outside with different sets of friends which lessens the arguements.

I have seriously considered moving abroad just because raising boys would seem so much easier in a better climate and more opportunity for outdoor activities.

I hate the phrase 'run like dogs' and exercise in itself is not an elixir.

I have 3 boys and one girl, the eldest boy 18 (easy) and the other boys part of a set of triplets who are 12. One is currently grounded and off the xbox for kicking his brother in the head.

OK, perhaps "run like dogs" it isn't the nicest phrase but having had/got both boys and dogs, they both needed a very similar sort of exercise - often in the same places. Although admittedly, the boys didn't nip your ankles if confined to the house for too long.

So many good comments on here. Thanks for all the stories. I know every type/combination of family has its particular challenges. I think for all boy families its the relentless physicality. I've made friends with a number of all boy mums. Not on purpose...there must be something that pulls us together. Maybe the premature aging???

I do undertaking the 'run them like dogs' things. I often describe taking them out like taking a pack of puppies for a walk. Have the tramp and what seems like a good size garden until you put three boys in it! I went out this week and got a volleyball net and some outdoor toys to try and keep them entertained.

Journey I agree about being careful about not always blaming the older boy. DS1 is has been really amazing up to the last 6 months or so. I think I am struggling a bit with him hitting puberty. He's definitely pulling away from me a bit too.
Pandamoniaa, so I only have to wait another 20 or so years??? We are kind of in that age range you mentioned. More trouble has come since DS2 hit 7/8 as he dosen't just do what DS1 tells him anymore.
4madboys, yes to the loyalty thing! I hope it lasts when they grow older. DS1 has saved DS2 from more than one bully. DS3 can fend for himself quite nicely....
Pleasekeepcalmandcarryon, I had a friend with 4 boys who moved from NZ to OZ just so she could live in the sun, get a pool and get the boys outside more!

I was talking with DH about the boys tonight and asked him to try and do more 'boy stuff" with them. He travels a lot so its hard and we live away from family so really it does come down to me. I think maybe the middle boy could do with hanging out with boys his own age and not with his little brother (3 years younger) all the time. It might help him mature a bit and give him his own things to get involved with. I'm also going to get the older boy back into guitar lessons as it used to be a great outlet for him when he got wound up.

Still haven't decided on the punishment. I usually use 'loss of electronic time". The older two lost electronics tonight but I still need to deal with the punching issue. Its sad as DS1 never hit anyone, let alone his brothers till about 6 months ago. Testosterone????

I was going to say YANBU without even reading the thread as I have two boys and they always seem to be about to revert to the wild, Lord of the Flies style.

Separation, attention, exercise, and bloke time (e.g. DS1 goes rock climbing with DH and mates) to teach them a bit of respect. And not too much "toxic" screen time. Well this is what I aim for.

Just when I want to give up I find them playing chess together or helping each other with Lego and there's a glimmer of hope...

Boys close in age are awful, they always have an accomplice/audience in any silliness that causes things to spiral out of control in a second. No amount of telling off seems to get through if their brother is giggling away.

Another Mum of 3 boys reading with interest, especially as I'm half thinking of number 4!

Mine are still young, 6, almost 3 and 20 months. However I am currently enforcing a zero tolerance campaign on hitting. My hitherto gentle middle ds has been going through a phase of hitting, exacerbated by my older boys Star Wars obsession and copied by my littlest ds.

I don't believe that a house full of boys means it has to be unruly or full of thrashing and bashing and I hope that is a realistic belief. I spend alot of time encouraging the use of words ( to tell either me or their brother) when they don't like something rather than lashing out. I also find that giving each boy some solo time with me or Dh fairly frequently can make a noticeable difference to their behaviour.

I think it's normal to some extent for siblings to argue and for it to sometimes get physical, whether they are boys or girls, so I wouldn't worry too much that you are going too wrong with your parenting if it's a very occasional thing and they are otherwise good boys.

I have three boys and although they aren't perfect, they rarely do anything that is serious enough to require punishment. Very occasionally the older two (15 and 10) get into an arguement that ends physically, it's happened two or three times I think. They do know it's not acceptable and they certainly wouldn't lose their temper and hit out at anyone else, so not sure why it happens with each other. I can remember being the same with my sister growing up. I do reprimand them and stop them going on the PS3 or ground them etc, so the do appreciate there are consequences, but I suspect they'll grow out of it.

Not quite as long as 20 years, frazzlez! Mine had stopped the fighting by 16 and from the time ds1 left school for 6th form college all was remarkably harmonious!

liger - you are very optimistic

I have two DSSs who are 16 and 13. Frankly, they are currently hell to be around when they are together - they take up masses of space and fight constantly. They have just gone away for a month (separately) and I have started to sort out their rooms/stuff for a general sort out/clean. Everything is bashed/broken. I hate it!

My sister has two sons and she was adamant that they would be sports-mad. Her elder son, who is nearly 13, is on a national sports team for one sport and a school team with international fixtures for another. His younger brother is coming up close behind. Honestly and truthfully I know my sister has invested masses in this, but she has done absolutely the right thing as her boys are (1) usefully occupied (2) exhausted. They are much nicer (and have a much more interesting life) than my DSSs, who basically fight/destroy because they are bored...

My 3 stepkids were very close in age, each one born two years apart, and as children they fought, and fought, and bitched and fought. Now all adult in their twenties with kids of their own, they are all very close, and uber protective of each other, but the teenage years were hell.

yes, I got mine into football and cricket, tennis and judo!!!

But also, boys are very sensitive and need someone to listen to them as well.

So ask them about the incident, ask your DS1 why he got upset ad lashed out. Let THEM talk to you.

They need to learn to deal with feelings as well as "working them off"!

In my experience (having 4 sons quite a bit older than yours) they are really hard work between the ages of 7 and around 15. The first thing to do is try and be as consistant as humanly possible. If you give them a warning or punish them - make sure to follow through (no matter how exhausting it is). Ensure your rules are the same every day. If a boy gets away with something today but not tomorrow - he will see no logic and push.

Another thing is to keep them busy working off the energy. Walk, run, sport, trampoline, playing with dog, etc

We also had rules that they are not allowed to play any games that involve pain in any form. If someone is not having fun, its not a game. I do this as these kinds of games get out of hand really quickly and go from fun to someone getting hurt in no time at all.

'Run like dogs' isn't a nice phase but they do need similar conditions to dogs, lots of running, mud and rolling around!

1. Firstly sibling rivalry is normal, they are testing out conflict and resolving it is a safe environment.
2. The love play fighting a wrestling. Once I saw that the fact of not liking it was my problem and left the room and let them get on with it, everyone was happier.
3. They are much better if they get out in open air at least once a day and use the pent up energy.
4. The grow out of it by 15 or so.

Sorry 'they love play fighting and wrestling'.

My four boys have always been far, far more peaceable than my four girls.... Boys seem like a pushover compared to girls.

Two DSs and one DD here. The DD (eldest DC) has certainly had a calming influence on the DSs. Lots of exercise for the DSs, lots of sport. Trampoline is brilliant, playing football together has been good, and getting them to play with/tolerate each other's friends.

Zero tolerance from the start on hurting/upsetting each other. Rewarding good behaviour with hugs and my time. Bad behaviour usually comes with boredom, so the hard work is in helping them to avoid that. Having a DD certainly helps, as they like her attention an unruly behaviour with her is a no-no.

Aged 10, 12 and 14, so it's an on-going process and there's still a long way to go.

Agree with run them like dogs. I have lots of brothers, my mother used to have them rounding up sheep on foot in an effort to keep them moving and therefore human when they were not.

My boys are younger than yours but with DS1 I have to keep him running until he drops or he drives you nuts.

And today the baby bodyslammed his brother, just because.

Yes to pack mentality to, I am convinced that is why the three of them (including DH) need to wrestle so often, honestly it is like watching wolves figure out who the boss is.

Personally, I just wander off and have a cup of tea.

Is there anyway your DH can swing it so he is around more? What about a real sergeant-major, is there still cadets or something where they can be run into the ground and yelled at regularly?

10 and 12 year old boys here so definitely feel your pain everyone. They used to get on so well when they were little - the older one really taking care of the younger one and not fighting much at all, but it all changed when DS1 went to secondary school. Now it's WW3 and I'm not used to it.

Pandamoniaa - you've given us all hope that there's light at the end of the tunnel - my brothers (4 yrs apart with me in the middle) fought non-stop as kids but are the best of friends now (in their 40s) so I know it's a phase, like everything else.

What a lovely thread this is - feel so much better for reading it!

stillfeel - mine are the same age and I'm waiting for the hormones to kick in. On the physical side of things, my DSs do judo. Here we have a third party allowing them to throw other boys and girls around, but discipline is strict - no messing around, nothing dangerous or else you're side-lined and have to watch all the fun.

3 boys here...11,13 and 14.

Most of it now I tend to ignore or I end up doing nothing but being a WWE referee all day!

That said...if anything gets broken...they pay for it out of their pocket money....I only had to do this once when they had to buy a new bed through trampolineing on it.....even though we have the real thing in the garden!!!!

Break anybody else's toys...and you replace them....even if they aren't on sale....not had to use this one.

Show me up when we are out and they lose their after school/weekend activities....have only had to be used once so far.

Anybody ends up crying and they all get to sit on the stairs like toddlers until I say it's time to move....have used this more than once....3 very red faced DS's of nearly 6 ft tall sitting at the top, bottom and middle of stairs is a sight to behold!

Generally they are good kids, but there are times when no amount of threats will get them to 'pack it in' and that is when the punishments get applied.

I even warn them when they are all pushing their luck, that if they want reigning in then just carry on and I will be only to happy to apply the reigning in rules.......all nonsense stops then as Mum doesn't do idle threats!

Do something to shock them. Don't talk; act.
Turn a hose on them if they are fighting outside.I took mine home when they started quarrelling (we had just arrived somewhere that was a special treat). I pull over and sit silently in the car if they fight while I am driving. I stop speaking to them if they say "shut up".

Film them fighting. It will all be over soon.

The advice in the first post from PinotGrigiosKittens was excellent. That is exactly the way to raise well balanced (civilised) boys.