Family being manipulative and toxic about dds Christening

[electra]

More of a WWYD at this point.

My youngest dd has her Christening scheduled for next month. Back story goes like this.... I told my parents that as I have no spare cash and not enough room in my house for the reception to invite more than a few people, I would only be inviting close friends and godparents (and them) This amounts to ten people and their children. People who see dd every week and have a part in her life.

Oh no, they said. They wanted to invite their siblings as well (more than the number of people I wanted to invite so that the number would more than double) They said that they wanted to have the reception at a venue and that they were prepared to pay half of the cost.

I said ok (did not have much choice as they were very pushy about it) and they are now denying that they agreed to pay half and saying I am trying to find ways to "screw money out of" them.

I sm so angry and dont know how to regain control of this situation now. My dad will invite people on my behalf. What would you do_

Cancel it and rearrange to your original plan. I wouldn't invite them. Don't even start aquiescing to their demands now and allow them into your dd's life or they will commit to fucking it up in the same way as they probably did with your life.

I only seem to remember postal christening invites to ones i have been invited to. Send these out to help you plan your numbers for food purchasing for your chosen friends.

Hope you have a lovely day surrounded by genuine people who love your dd x

Thank you all, your kind words have given me strength as where my parents are concerned I always feel powerless and its very frustrating. It has been like this with all the other Christenings my children had where they insisted on loads of people coming and hiring stuff to accomodate all the people crammed into our tiny weeny house (who did not go home til late). I know it may sound a bit mean spirited but I have had a very difficult few years. Now for the first time my life seems to be coming together and I do try to avoid stress that is not necessary. I am worried about what the church will think though. What should I tell them?

Can you not br honest about family issues making you wat to defer? Maybe your church can help support you?Or stick to plan of doing it this weekend and just have original guests.

I guess I will have to say that. The Christening was supposed to be mid July.

Hi

Do you have a garden? I invite close friends and family. Then mil invited more. The church was great and didnt charge for the christening so that saved money.

We got out all the garden furniture and told everyone to go straight into the garden instead of squeezing in the house. We was luck we had a nice day and I had 60 people in our tidy 30ft garden.

I think that if you explain to the vicar that the day has been hijacked and the focus is no longer on welcoming your DD into the church with the people who will be an important part of her life s/he will support you all the way. S/he could be a good person to bounce ideas off as to how to move forward and make the day the christening you want for you DD.

You are not mean spirited at all Electra, any priest/reverend would understand if you just told them it will be a smaller event than initally planned, they shouldn't ask questions and any minister would 100% understand.

biscuit, we do have a big garden but what happens if the day is like it was last Sunday, ie, cold and rainy? It would be fine if I could depend on the weather but lets face it we cant in the UK. Especially in the last few years. I have been giving it as much thought as I can.

You need to learn to be firmer with your parents. Assertiveness classes perhaps?

Cancel and don't let them hijack your plans. It is very very rude for people to invite people themselves with no reference to the person hosting hte party, particularly as they know space and money are limited.

The other options are: to issue invites that say "admission by presentation of this invite only" or to have someone large and assertive stand at the door and turn away gate crashers saying "sorry, the host did not invite you". I've done this several times.

I think if you speak to the church and tell them you need to rearrange because of family issues, it will be fine.

I think a month is plenty enough time to cancel a venue. I also think that it is enough time to explain to the 'additional' family guests that your finances have changed and you can no longer afford the larger venue so will be having a much smaller gathering at home. Say that they are welcome at the church but, so sorry, you won't be able to have them at home afterwards.

That is all very polite and will not offend the guests who will be uninvited.

As for the inlaws, I think you will have made your point.

cancel the whole thing - then reorganise for a later date. if it comes up in conversation just be honest and say you coulnt afford venue/numbers now parents aren't helping out.

Thank you. I am going to reschedule it for the autumn, I think. I hope I will be able to agree that with the church but a I don't have a specific date in mind surely it will be ok.

It will be perfect Electra because you are in control and you will not have the stress of your family trying to run the show...I'm delighted for you :)

Thank you Pam.

my mother's very controlloing too, am due DC1 in September and have been worried about the christening before I even found out I was pregnant! hope it all works out for you xx