not allow my BIL to drive my dc anywhere

[ihateclowns]

has a conviction for drink driving (years ago), still drinks and drives, often. Came to stay with us at our holiday home during easter and one day took his family (3 dc and a family friend, aged 10) out with his wife. Came back very, very drunk. His 14 year old was also very drunk - literally legless.

My DH (his brother) completely agrees and says he has lost a great deal of respect for his brother. We have also decided that our children will not stay at their house as they are prolific chain smokers who smoke in their house, children present or not, my 5 year old says he hates the way they smell and wont eat their food.

It is their life and they can do whatever they wish but I am not exposing my children to that. I would not expose myself to it.

The problem is most of of my in-laws think I'm being unreasonable. Going as far as to suggest that I'm breaking the family apart by not allowing my children to stay with BIL and his family. This is not true. I want my children to grow up with their cousins, I have a open house policy where any of our loved ones can visit/stay whenever they want. No notice required if they are family. However, my instincts suggest that my dc will not be safe with BIL. I cannot ignore that.

Now, I know I can seem like a bit of a judgy cow to some people, but I am not. I don't really care what people do as long as it does not impact my dc or husband. I don't care what my ILs think of me but I do care that my dc's relationship with one side of the family is seriously suffering.

I don't know what to do about that. Any suggestions please or

AIBU?

Eldritch, Balls and Helen - thanks.

ooohyou - I do get it now. I getthat I have wrong not to notify the police. But no need to make me feel any worse than I do. His drink driving is not my fault.

I get that I was wrong.

OP you also don't need to justify anything to them. Your kids your rules. In this case, you are right, this is for the best and that's the way it is going to be. No exceptions.

I'd rather piss off my husband's family than potentially attend my child's funeral.

Thanks Helen. I know you are right and I know I am right. I would never capitulate. But it is all so exhausting at the moment. I wish my DH was here to take some of the flak.

Sidge - I said the exact same thing, word for word. But I am told not to be so melodramatic (MIL)

Why not ask MIL whether, if it is so important to her, she could get BIL to promise not to drink at all when hosting your children?
(I'm not saying you should be satisfied by such a promise, of course).
The point is, it's a small and reasonable request, but I'm betting she won't even ask.

She is prepared to enable the drinking/drink driving to keep the peace. I expect she isn't annoyed with you because you are wrong. She is annoyed with you because you are so clearly right, and showing her up, and piercing that comfortable bubble of denial they are all in about the drinking and what it means and its possible consequences.

Whatever else you do, please don't for one moment accept your allotted role as the fly in the ointment, and the obstacle to family unity. BIL, SIL and MIL aren't budging on this either, are they? No suggestions of teetotal socialising, taxis or whatever to make contact work while acknowledging your issue?

Booze and tabs coming first, it seems.

stand firm - you are completely right to keep your kids safe.

Next time he gets into a car after drinking, and you are aware of it, you must phone the police.

How would you feel if he killed someone and you knew he'd been drinking?

My cousin was killed by a drunk driver. He had 4 young kids.

Giddy - absolutely true. I don't understand it, it is something I would never do. I am truly baffled.

Eldrith you have been so perceptive. In my IL's world I'm the one with the problem, I am uptight. Would love to spend an evening with them without the intrusion of alcohol, I do love my MIL, more than she knows. All of this is barrier to us really building a relationship. I am optimistic and would like to think that one day she will see that it is not antipathy but concern I feel for BIL and wife.

thanks skyblue

Almighty - I have told DH about doing this and he agrees we should.

you are def not bu for your own kids - what about his kids - should you call police.. prob I think...

YADNBU and your MIL's attitude is shocking. I hope she is just in denial at the possible consequences because I don't like the alternative.

I too would shop them to the police.