AIBU to expect my husband to do housework?

[Kiwimumm]

I have a DH and two kids and although my DH works long hours during half of the dairy farming season in which he is never around much and I do all the work in the home, the other half of the season are just are just the average job hours. Although he says all housework and children jobs are mine as I am the stay at home mum, and he is the worker... "Any thing in the fenceline is your job", he says. Is that normal/acceptable?

OP, I'm really pleased that you're in counselling and I hope it proves useful to you.

What sort of injuries did your DH have when he crashed the truck? The reason I ask is because unless he suffered a traumatic brain injury, mental illness (which is a different thing to a brain injury anyway) is NOT an excuse for bad or hurtful behaviour. There are lots of people out there with MH issues who do not go around saying hurtful things to people. My closest friend has one of the most difficult-to-control forms of mental illness but she's never unkind or nasty. I'm glad you are not afraid to repeat what he has said to the counsellor because he should be held accountable for it. MH is not an excuse.

WWII caused a lot of women to work that would otherwise have been SAHMs.

I'll pick up socio-economic factors there. Women always worked until post WWII, factory, domestic work, seamstress, taking in washing/ironing etc etc - post WWII when we had boom time was the only 25 year period in our history where women DIDNT work. Men were then affluent enough to keep wives and children. Prior to that, women usually did work but because communities were smaller and the need to move to get paid employemnt wasn't as endemnic as it is today, a female relative usually childminded the children of the whole extended family, whilst women of working age went to work.

Yes, women always worked, but during WWII many women started working who otherwise would not have.

(It's not relevant anyway!)

Quite, troisgarcons.

The whole idea of a woman staying at home with the children came from the victorians and their peculiar ideas about "womanhood" and "femininity" - these ideas sunk in pretty deeply unfortunately and people think it was always teh way. When it wasnt. And even in those days it only applied to wealthier people.

Op - I first said, as the third poster I think, that you were BU. However, having since read the thread I don't think you are. The supplementary information provided leads me to believe your husband is a bully and rather selfish.

It sounds like you don't have anything like a fair distribution of work. if you're to do everything in the house, then he should do everything on the farm - you shouldn't do accounts or wages or help out.

I thought farm working was about pulling together? But if he won't help you out with a 'home' crisis (sick child) then you should not help him out with any farm work, or a farm crisis.

He had a brain injury. I know MH isnt an excuse and thats why now, im not tolerating it like i used to. Before he was diagnosed and he was having a 'down patch' he was so mean to me and i would try SO hard to be PERFECT and work out, make up, cook his favourite food, ask if i could do anything.. Looking back, i fueled the fire. Silly me. But now Im way more intolerant and not afraid to say exactly how i feel

my husband works long hours, and i'm adequately grateful he does a job he hates to support us all, but he's still an able bodied human when he's in the house and therefore does things that need doing. obviously i do most of the housey things because i'm around more often, but he doesn't expect to just play with the kids while i do all the boring jobs. we alternate each night who's cooking and who's putting the kids to bed. if i worked and he was at home (which we'er considering) i'd also expect to still be useful when i was home.

Kiwimum - I feel qualified to comment on your OP, as I am married to a farmer and we run the farm between us. We were also an all year round calving dairy herd before we sold the milking cows in Dec to concentrate on arable/sheep.

DH is traditional in his outlook, in that he was brought up to believe that he provides for his family and his wife should be SAH and supported/provided for & the majority of housework/cooking/etc is done by his wife. He gets up at 6am and probably works through until 8pm most days on the farm. I tend to do all the office based work, so I am more SAH.
(This info is just to give context, BTW).

BUT and this is a HUGE BUT - if I am out, or away, or doing something else, he is more than happy to help. For example, he'll put the washing machine on if I ask, unload the dishwasher, put the hoover around and generally help with domestic tasks, because we're in a partnership. he's also capeable of getting his own lunch, cooking dinner on his own (not that he does very often, but he does). He also has certain tasks which he considers his, little things, like shutting the chickens in at night, feeding the dogs and switching the electric blanket on before bed.

If my DH only worked 5 hours a day an the off-season, he'd be doing a damn sight more around the house. He really would. And if my DH had the audacity to say what yours did when your DS was ill, he would have got the very sharp end of my tounge!!

It comes down to consideration and respect for each other. It seems to me, reading between the lines, that your DH does not respect your role within the household. He somehow sees it as "inferior".

I would be having a very stiff talk and laying it on the line, TBH.

Was he like this before his accident though?

This is a very complicated situation that you are in.

I really think you should post in relationships

Good post from Dadof2.

Op YANBU I personally would not tolerate my dh (or anyone else for that matter!) speaking to me the way your dh does.
Do you have friends and interests outside of the home?
if so I urge you to get out. either with or without your dcs, on at least a monthly basis and leave your dh alone. Spend some of your free time doing exactly what you want, meeting up with friends etc. I have a gut feeling that your dh will not like it which would confirm my theory that he sees you as his property. Well tough-he might learn to appreciate you more. So what if he doesn't eat unless you are there to prepare his meals-he is an adult and free to choose.
Keep up the counselling.
x

Hes not selfish tho, and works so hard for our family and really does love me, and says it a lot, and compliments my meals and likes the way i look etc. Hes just stubborn in his beliefs!!

I dont want to portray him as this selfish pig that sits at the table banging his knife and fork while two wailing children cling to my leg!!

Its hard to explain. Im loving the farm life, my kids, everything about life, and even dont mind doing most things, and he does do the odd thing. I just feel tired occasionally and just want a break.

What bought this up was seeing my freinds DH come home from work, scoop up their dd and play with her in the room while my friend sat down and watched her fave tv program in peace!. I thought wow theres no WAY my dh would do that. He would come in and probably turn the tv off and tell me i shouldnt be watching tv while looking after the kids! Which is true i guess, but just seeing how other people live kinda got me thinking......

Sardine, I didnt even know there was relationships area!!
Muminthemiddle, I do Zumba classes once or twice a week at nights, and am very social in general (playcentre is great for my social needs and the kids)
I see friends sometimes in weekends, and I have played piano since i was 6 and will sit and learn new pieces for brain stimulation. Or i come online but then everything i do has to be at nights as i have the kids during the day.
So right now its nearly 12am and i should be in bed asleep!!!

I love dancing and singing and people and music and tv and drinking occasionally and riding horses and would love to travel etc, my dh likes none of the above. He is more reserved and has not many friends (VERY opposite of when we 1st met, he was the life of the party) he like spending time with family, or riding his motorx bike, or watching the news, or looking for bargains on trademe.com

So I do most things alone, but i do do them!! Or i would go INSANE!! Cabin fever!!!

oh oh well I agree with the fact that he is not respectful to you or your life/work at all.
You don't sound valued either and this is only going to get bigger and bigger.
Great that you are in counselling I hope that works for you , But, I would also do what has been suggested on here already,
Count out how much down time you each have. You say you need a break, why don't you get one? Why can't you say look hub I need a break so I'm going to do xyz and you are going to have to look after the dcs while I'm doing it or I will have a breakdown.
If you got ill what would happen?

Seriously, this is eroding all love for him. How could you let him near you after that comment.

There are people who post in the relationships section who give very good advice, and are happy to stick around for longer than the lifetime of a post in AIBU IYSWIM.

AIBU is the place people come for a quick post and move on (normally) IYSWIM.

Quiet Tiger, its good to hear from another person in the farming industry, thanks!

I am getting better with my sharp tongue but I guess its not my nature to be mean or nasty, Im a strong person but when things are said to me or about me, instead of retaliating with tongue lashings I just try and fix the areas that are "wrong" with me! He has a VERY tight family and my parents are not really on the scene, so pretty much everything he does is perfect and I feel like the one to blame. Hence turning to Mumsnet for support and advice!!!

His mum said im too self indulged and shouldnt have any more kids becuase i went for a walk most days and that was selfish of me and that im a mother now and to be there all the time for them and i shoudlnt be off walking when i should be at home with the kids. grrr

Are you in new zealand kiwimum?

Just that they may be a bit of a different culture to here - not that I know but I do know that some people I have known from there have said that in parts there can be quite "old fashioned" views IYSWIM.

Just wondering if there is a whole bunch of cultural expectations on top of everything else.

Bottom line is I think he is being totally unreasonable, and I think that his comments to you are way out of line.

BUT he has brain damage and pre-existing mental health difficulties which makes it way beyond anything I can advise on. I also agree with sunshine though that if he was like this before the accident then it's not the brain damage that has made him like this, he was like it all along, but now because obviously he is unwell it makes it very hard to know how to tackle it.

YANBU. I wouldn't like to be married to him. But I wouldn't like to live on a farm, either, so that's irrelevant. I get that your situation is complicated - you've got the brain injury/mental health thing to deal with, plus the fact that your respective work distribution is uneven throughout the year. As he works extra during the season, it's not totally unreasonable to expect extra down-time in the off season.

BUT that's no excuse for overtly treating you like unpaid staff, or for being so disrespectful. It's obvious he gets his ideas from his mother, so it would take a very big shock to make him change after so long.

I'm delighted to hear you have your own activities, and a counsellor. i should think you need them!

If you want him to change, you might have to leave him - just to show you're serious. If you want a less dramatic solution, how about getting in some domestic help a few days a week or hours a day?

At first I thought YABU as I do agree that it is the responsibility of the parent at home to do the majority of the housework, also depends a lot on the age of the kids, if they are at school then absolutely in my book the non working parent has enough time to sort out house work.Although the "working" parent should always do fundamental things like stacking dishwasher, putting own clothes in laundry basket and tidying up after themselves. Things that denote basic respect to ones partner and home.

However this should not be the case with childcare, as the parent staying at home is the one generally interacting with the DCs all day then it is very important that the other parent makes an effort to spend time with them at weekends etc. For the OP this could take the shape of getting them involved with aspects of the farming, rather than specific play activities which some baulk at.

As for the getting up at night, well that's a hard one, the OPs DH response lacked basic respect to someone he is meant to love, but I work p/t and DH is a contractor so on the rare occasions that DS is ill it does generally fall to me to look after him and then try to soldier on the next day as otherwise we would lose a days pay if DH was unable to go in, or potentially an extension to contract if his performance was poor.

Yes im from NZ, we have a lot of oldschool hardworking farmy types here, 35% of our whole work force is farm based.

I was a towny, my dh wasnt a farmer when we married. I was only 20 when i married him, oh to know then what i do now!!

Oh well, no ones perfect, guess il just keep at him and know when to not tolerate any sh*t from him!!

Thanks for all your imput, i feel now that not the whole world is against me! =)

Im off to sleep, i have 3 preschoolers here at the mo (gotta love sleep overs) im gonna need energy for tomorrow!!

=)

If you need more support do start a thread in relationships

Good luck with everything, it sounds like you are in a very difficult position to me.

Hmmm...YANBU It is not a nice way to be treated if you are run off your feet with DC, housework, farm invoices and your DH has, what, 11 waking hours a day of leisure in the dry season. You sound very happy to work hard all the hours that DH is out on farm work, and gladly do the bulk of domestic chores, but are wondering if that means you should be the 24/7 house elf at all other times too. It doesn't.

It's not just the fairness argument (you should both have approx the same amount of free time) although that is relevant, but more the HUMAN aspect. He is treating you more as a working automaton than a wife he loves. This is dangerous territory and, yes, I can see how you got there when he was ill, and now he is used to it. But if you leave it how it is, you won't love him in 5 or 10 years time (trust me, I have been there) and that would be a shame as well as a massive upheaval when you are both locked into business partnership on the farm. So you need to talk to him. I, like you, have only belatedly realised that lots of husbands go out to work but still pitch in with chores at home (as well as having leisure time, obviously). It must have made you very sad when you needed his support (when DS was ill) and he just washed his hands of the whole situation despite having the time available to help you . I completely understand where you are coming from. What happens if/when YOU are ill? One needs to know that one's life partner is there at times of need because if they are not, then it is not even a friendship let alone a marriage. It doesn't sound like a given in your case.

I think that if you work hard doing housework etc while he is working then he should share any extra stuff during his off hours.
If I was a SAHM I would try my best to get stuff done to free up the weekend to be housework free but I would expect my OH to share 50/50 any chores that had to be done at the weekend including child care.