Separated (but still living under the same roof!) and dating ...

[EveHarrington]

So ...

Following a cheating incident last year which was discovered on New Year's Eve (him cheating, not me!), STBXDH and I have decided that a separation is in order. For financial reasons, we'll be living under the same roof for a set period, following which I shall petition for divorce. Have seen lawyers and are currently having a deed of separation drawn up to recognise this.

Someone I've met recently (who doesn't know about my personal situation) has asked me out on a "date". I'm not interested in anything serious, not by a long shot, but figure it would be a bit of light-hearted fun (the asker feels the same, BTW!).

But then, I feel guilty about even considering it! I feel like I shouldn't even be thinking about dating, let alone sleeping with someone so soon - not because I still have feelings for STBXDH, but because I feel like it's only polite to "mourn" the end of my relationship a bit longer. But then I think it's been 6 months of hell and (not more importantly but kind of important) no physical intimacy whatsoever. I just feel the need to get rid of all my pent up sexual aggression somehow and just ... I don't know ... be!

So, what should I do? If not now, then when is ok? Keep in mind that STBXDH and I will be living under the same roof for the next two years. The thought of the next two years with absolutely no physical intimacy whatsoever with anyone fills me with dread!

What makes it worse is I find myself looking at STBXDH and thinking, well, he's here ... I'm sure he would if I asked, it's not like we haven't done it before ... The problem is I may then be giving him hope where there is none, and worse, I know I'd be repulsed at and with myself after the deed.

And before anyone asks, I would most definitely not be having any "dates" over at the house whilst it's still a joint residence - not because of STBXDH, but our toddler DS. It's clearly detailed in our separation agreement that dates/partners et al are not allowed to visit the house and/or stay the night. In any event, I would never want a "date" meeting my DS unless I believed it was/had the potential to become a serious relationship (and even then, I'd still be overly cautious!)

I know what people will say, give it time. But how much time is enough time? Anyone who's been in a similar boat? AIBU to think, to hell with it, why ever not? Why don't I get to think about just me for a change??

Yes, I know there is a Relationships board. Yes, I know that I have posted on AIBU. Despite the sexual (and general) frustration haze (and obvious insomnia, given the time!), I can still read ...

When my other marriage ended, I dated very soon. I was worried but then realised that I had been mourning my marriage for a very long time, while I was still married. Unfortunately, you don't know until you are in the situation whether you are really over it or not. I didn't marry the man I dated but I got married again, very happily. Don't shag exDH though. That way lies awful resentment.

I went through similar sounding six-months-of-hell then living under the same roof for economic reasons, but was thankfully able to move out after a few months. I did go on a couple of dates during that time, which I rationalised to myself as not-really-dates, just-going-for-a-drink, etc (and didn't get any rocks off btw)

I would say this did make the separation harder - that exDP had hope up to the point I moved out and it seemed as if we were amicable; then he turned quite bitter when it became clear that a) there was no coming back and b) other people could be involved. We got into mediation etc eventually but it was a hard time for a while, with struggles over DS sleeping arrangements etc.

Is there no way you can manage the finances so that one or the other of you gets a bolt-hole - take a lodger, etc?

YANBU to want to date. Just try and be kind to yourself and don't let yourself be pushed into something you're not up for. From your emotional health perspective, assuming you don't think you have any issues over the type of men you are attracted to, 6 months isn't too soon to be seeing someone else. You've already spent 6 months stuck in limbo. Life doesn't last for ever, moving on is normally the right thing to do.

But two and a half years separated and under the same roof sounds very hard. I second suggestions for looking at ways to change that ASAP. I would expect your dating other guys to affect how your STBXDH acts (even though it would BVVVVVU of him) and that may make living together even harder. Good luck.

Thanks for your replies

We could sort out finances in a way that allows one of us to move out, but it would mean it taking that much longer to pay off both individual and joint debt.

Also, I'll admit to not wanting to move out for selfish reasons - without revealing too many details, I wouldn't be able to be DS's resident parent and would probably be faced with seeing him only on weekends, the thought of which I just can't bear! My professional situation will be much improved following the two years and it will be easier to have shared care divided between STBXDH and myself equally (or, at the very least, more fairly than it would be if either of us moved out now).

I guess the general consensus is that IANBU to consider dating, but IABabitU to think that it won't make things harder at home. Any advice on how to head this off at the pass? STBXDH and I have already discussed the possibility of either of us dating but the only "rules" we've agreed are about having partners over at the house/meeting DS.

I've tried to think about how I'd feel if it was him that was dating. I'm sure I'd feel sad, but I don't know if I care enough anymore to feel resentful or make things "harder" for him ... God, this all has the potential to become a bloody minefield! I'm just so sick and tired of always putting others first, and wish I could just go ahead, do it and deal with the consequences when if they arise without having or trying to overthink it now!

OP, he was dating whilst you were married! Don't feel guilty about it, just be as discreet as you can and never, ever, discuss it with him.

atswimtwolengths, never did think about it like that, but oh so true!

Right, I have texted back and accepted the offer of a date. A bit apprehensive, but I'm sure it will go just fine. I guess I just never thought I'd be back doing this ever again. I've been out of the game for well over a decade and feel like I should ask what people "do" on dates nowadays (other than the obvious!). Don't even know what to wear - as I'm currently studying, my everyday uniform consists of baggy jeans and even baggier jumpers!

Good for you. You can always update with outfit ideas and we will interfere help out there.

Re DS sleeping arrangements; exDP and i now alternate weekends (Fri-Sat-Sun), i have a day off with DS during the week and he stays for the evening or sometimes the night at least one other day. Less contact for me but am fairly busy and exDP was for a long time the "primary carer" figure...

So this is possible to be "non-resident parent" and still spend about as much time with DS as work life etc would have allowed anyway...

Grats on the date btw! Why not wear a nice/decorative/pretty top and some casual trousers, even jeans... like you have made a bit of effort but are staying basically practical?

Our circumstances are similar except I haven't got anyone to have a bit of fun with.

Need to share the house until sold so we can both go our separate ways. No-one else just enough is enough.

Stuck to my vows for 35 years, but I would jump at the chance of a date right now with a lady who would keep me company without spoiling everything. Not talking intimacy , although would be lovely after 12 + years on coldness, just a meal drink and a conversation about anything.
Go for it, I know it would be rubbing your OH's face in it if you thought about taking your NP back, but keep it away from the home and all should be ok.