to privately suspect DS is gay?

[justoncethen]

I wouldn't ever share this with anyone irl (apart from DH and v v close friends), and never with DS but I have always suspected that he is gay.

He is only 9 and shows no interest in anyone in 'that' way (and is bemused by his classmates' obsession with 'boobies' and 'fancying'), and I've just had this sense since day one, almost, so it's not a new thing.

He's not camp or anything like this, I have no 'reason' to hang my hat on other than this feeling, and I have literally felt like this since he was in utero pretty much. Don't connect it with sex at all - I don't think about it like that really.

It is absolutely NOT A BIG DEAL and I tell all the DCs that men and women can love men or women and that gay couples can have kids - we know a couple who are having twins via donor sperm so it's come up anyway. I don't really mind, I'm just wondering if anyone else has had these feelings (or has them), about their DC - and if they turned out to be correct?

I have 2 very close family friends who are gay.
When they came out, no-one really batted an eyelid, we all knew much earlier!

One was a very sensitive sweet child, very intelligent, thoughtful, not a rough and tumble boy.

The other one was very boisterous, loud, very much a ladies man in late teens, but was alway a bit camp and then took a serious interest in D & G, Vivenne Westwood and all things glitzy. Very sterotypical!!

Both very different as children, that's my point!

Who knows?!

My BF came out at 17. His mum and dad both had a brother each. Both brothers (so BF's uncles on both sides) are gay.

He came out and his dad said "It's fine son, I knew when you were 10 that you were gay". His mum had known since he was very young.

My DS2 is gay...
He is 16 and we've 'known' he was gay for ages.

But he only told us this year.

He only realised for himself this year.

But i didn't even think about it when he was nine.

And neither did he.

If he is then really......so what?

But he might need you to stick up for him.

Secondary school can be difficult ime.

I was proud when DS2 came and told me.
I thought he was brave and i was glad he was able to tell us.

Oh I don't think his lack of interest in boobs and fancying means he's gay, I just mentioned it to make it clear he's not showing any sexual-type interest in anything atm.

He's got a couple of armpit hairs already(!!!), so puberty can't be too far off. It's just idle wondering really, I would never ever ever ever share this with anyone IRL apart from DH and a couple of close friends, it's not a big deal and I promise that should DS ever 'seem' gay I won't say anything nor "I told you so" if he does ever come out!

I was obsessed with boys and sex when I was young (not 9, but not much older) - a prurient interest almost as my parents were quite inhibited and my mum called me rude when I drew "a lady with boobs" once. And I've had same-sex relationships, so who knows.

It's also important that school shares acceptance of homosexuality.

When ds was in Y8, I learnt that his RE teacher had said that homosexuality is an illness. I was cross (moreover, cross and pissed) and e-mailed the school (my only case of helicopter parenting in ds's whole secondary school career - god knows there should have been more).

I figured that in the class of 25-30 14 year old boys, there must have been a few boys who were struggling to come to terms with their sexuality. How insensitive (and unprofessional) of the teacher to say that he thought it was wrong to be gay.

I was fobbed off with the excuse that the teacher was 'playing devil's advocate'. He retired soon after.

And that's outstanding schools for you.

But none of my DC showed any interest in 'boobs' or fancying or boys or anything when they were 9.....
And the older two aren't gay.

I wasn't interested in boys until i was about 14/15.

He is only 9...he will be what he will be.

reelingintheyears- got a lump in my throat reading your post.

BTW, re the gay BF thing. I was so not surprised when he came out - but I made sure I totally supported him.

He obviously struggled with his sexuality and dated two of my girlfriends for over four years. He was clearly not ready to accept or didn't recognise his sexuality for some time.

But not "fancying" anyone and not being into "boobies" at 9 does not a gay man make.

A cousin of mine (14) who admittedly is a little immature for his age isn't interested in girls in any possible sense, but nothing about him (to me) says he's gay.

Also a colleague's son is, quite frankly, a bit of what we would have called at school a "drip" is neither interested in boobies or fancying, he's just a bit young for his age and I'm sure will blossom into either hetero or homosexuality as soon as he sees fit, as will my cousin.

I know it's AIBU but I said about seven times that I didn't think not being into boobies or fancying had nothing to do with my feeling and that I'd had it since he was born if not before

I am a but about the boobies obsession actually - I was shocked at DS's birthday party when all his friends started whooping and pointing at a poster of a woman in a bikini. But I mentioned it casually to one of the other mums and she said that advertising like that was disgusting, so... again I guess!

This is my second post tonight but I have lurked on here for a looooooooog time!

Anyway, Just - I had thoughts that my middle son was gay from a very early age. I can't say why, I just knew he was different from my other two. He wasn't camp or anything I could put my finger on...just different? Anyway, I decided to roll with it, if he was, so what etc.

I/ we also dropped into everyday conversations that being gay is fine - it's not a choice but more of 'who you are'.

Move on to son's age of 17.

One evening he burst into the kitchen crying...eventually he tells me he 'thinks' he's gay. I tell him, so what? No problem, love him to bits, he is who he is etc.

Next day - son is walking around happy as Larry feeling very positive. Me, on the other hand, am an emotional wreak!!! (not in front of son). I kept thinking...life is hard enough in straight relationships, I worried about the prejudice he will have to face etc. At the time there was a big new story about a 50 year old gay man that was beaten to death in London by a gang of youths just because he was gay!!! WTF????

I was just scared for my son.

Thankfully my emotional state only lasted a couple of days. I think we are conditioned to believe our children will grow up, get married, have kids...etc. News like this changes things somewhat.

Today - I look back and still do not know if those early feelings I had were instinct of randomness... but I also think who cares??...time will tell what your son will be. I do harbour guilty feelings that I cried when the realisation hit me that my son really was gay, but I can't change that. He is a fantastic, caring, loving son who I adore. You sound like a loving, supportive mom, gay or not, your feelings for him won't change xx

I completely agree with BeerTricks. The fact that your ds doesn't show any sexual interest in girls is age-appropriate in an age when children are actively encouraged to grow up far too soon.

As a teacher I often 'guessed' that kids were gay - and usually was correct. My friend always knew her son was gay - said he never had to 'come out' and the first explicit conversation they ever had was when a girl in his year was obviously interested in him and the mum said she thought it might be kind to let her know that he wasn't interested in that kind of relationship with any girl, and it wasn't about her (he was mid teens IIRC).

I think it's important you're aware and so will be careful not to make casual remarks that might have a huge impact if he is gay. A gay friend said he vividly remembers, as a child, his mum making some comment about a documentary on TV re. homosexuality along the lines of "well they always blame the mother don't they!" and what he latched onto was the word 'blame' - which must mean it was something bad. You'll probably become much more aware of homophobia too - which is a good thing even if he is not gay.

Forgive me if this is totally wrong or unfair, OP, but to me you kind of sound like you'll be disappointed if he isn't actually gay.

Of course it's great that your kids see examples of (presumably) happy, healthy relationships of all stripes, and that they know that homosexuality is as normal as heterosexuality, and they even are aware that some people are transgendered and make transitions later in life.

But when you say that you've always had this feeling about ds, from when he was in utero, and it's not based on anything in his own personality or interests or expressed thoughts etc., I can't help but think it's not too dissimilar to someone someone saying "I really think that dd is going to be a ballerina, like I almost was," even when poor dd has never expressed any interest or inclination toward dance and might very well want to be a lumberjack.

Apologies if I'm way off base or if that seems an offensive thing to imply. I agree with others that it's really not fair to stick a label on him (even in your own mind) that he hasn't shown any particular interest in living up to.

Well some just develop later in terms of being interested, or not, in the opposite sex.

My 15yr old son hasn´t had a gfriend-and is only just starting to not see them as completely alien socialise with them as part of a group.

I knew that my DB was gay before I knew what gay was. it was just a "quality" that he has, so i totally see where you are coming from.

My brother is gay - It was clear from very early on that was the case, we just always knew. He was always very camp as a child & more so as a teenager.

My Dad struggled with it, always said he was sensitive, NOT gay & fell out with him when he did come out - which I found ridiculous as I have an older sister who is gay, which he never had a problem with, & one of his best friends was gay as well

Perhaps it was because he was the youngest of 5 & the only boy, Dad waited a long time for a son & DB wasn't quite what he was expecting.
His loss anyway.

I wonder if the feeling when pregnant could be a hormonal thing - I don't know the science of it but a gay friend of mine who is adopted has done some research and he reckons his birth parents might have already had lots of children as apparently men are more likely to be gay if they have lots of older brothers - something to do with hormone levels in the womb. (He was also adopted through a Catholic agency which colours it slightly as perhaps a large family unable to afford another child would be more likely to use a Catholic agency than people looking into adoption for other reasons - but it's interesting nonetheless.)

You don't win any prizes for 'knowing' someone's gay before they 'know' themselves.

And I agree with cloudydays that the OP's posts do sound as though you have very rich friendships with gay people and would quite like the idea of your son being gay.

Nothing wrong with that so long as it's not projecting something onto him.

My son is 18 and is most certainly not gay but I have never seen him show an interest in girls. Why would I even see that?

I think you are barking mad.

I sort of know what you mean. Not sure about the knowing in utero thing and whether or not that is more wishful thinking, but as someone pointed out it could even be hormone levels. Who knows?

However, my cousin's oldest, who's now 8 - ever since he was about 2 she's thought he was gay. I only properly first met him when he was 5 and I thought so from right then. And my other cousin and her girlfriend both met him separately for the first time when he was 6 and they both thought the same. All of us have had these conversations of, "You know X...I don't know why, but I just get this feeling he might-" "Yes! Me too!" Haha. That side of the family though we've always said there might be something in the gene theory - out of eight of my granddad's grandchildren, three of us aren't straight.

And I understand why you're curious and asking about it. It always seems to be the done thing to respond with, "Well it doesn't matter so stop thinking about it," but we think about everything else our kids might grow up to be and wonder things about other people we don't know - no reason why sexuality should be any different. It's clear this is just natural curiosity as opposed to looking for a reason to hate.

Fabby just curious why you would say that your ds is "most certainly" not gay? Is it something you've discussed or is your certainty based on your idea of what "gay" looks / acts / sounds like?

Don't mean to be personal, only asking in the context of the issues this thread raises - whether a mother "just knows" etc.

He's 9!

You mention that he's not showing interest in boobs etc, but is he showing interest in anything that males have either? If he's not doing either, I think it's probably just too soon to say. Isn't 9 pretty young to be showing interest in anything like that?