to be hacked off with the school about this.

[soonerthanyesterday]

Sorry for any typos, am on my phone.
Since starting school in Jan dd seems to be having a few friendship problems. I was accosted by a mum in a playground once and went to see the teacher who told me it was a non issue and the problem seems to have resolved and the girls are playing fine. Then there was another incident where two girls came up to her on the way to school and started telling her she was annoying and talked too much and was bossy. Dd was very upset, so I went to see the teacher, because the mum of one of these girls told me her child had a problem with mine and she had been to see the teacher about it. Not so much of a problem that this girl didn't want to come over to play, or stopped asking for dd to play though it seems... Even if what was reported to the teacher was that she didn't want to go to school because of it.
Teacher informed me one of those girls had slapped mine round the face in class time. The girl had been tidying up, because it was tidy up time.. and mine had gone over and picked up what she had been picking up... So she slapped my dd. Teacher said my dd should have asked so it was her fault. She said she was going to get her observed.
I heard nothing for weeks. I help out in the class with reading etc once a week and as I hadn't heard anything asked the teaching assistant who said she knew it had happened. It onky lasted about 10 mins and she thinks the whole thing has been blown out of proportion by parents and that my child plays fine and isnt a problem.
Dd also does several out of school activities and goes to a childminder and noone has ever said anything like this about her. We went on holiday recently and she had made friends with a mixture of children within an hour of arriving.
Got home from school to find a letter in the bookbag saying a place has been allocated to dd at the lunchtine nurture club so she can work on her interpersonal skills and lunch is the same but they sit seperated from their class.
I am fuming.
I feel the teacher should have spoken to me and I'd like to know quite why she needs a place in this club when children slapping her and calling her names don't.
Aibu
And what do I do
?

She's 5 and I tell her that all the time.
I'm not sure how much she puts that into practice, but then I'm not sure any of them do. The slapper girl apparently followed dd all day asking dd to play but dd didn't want to, but she wouldn't leave her alone. As I said, I don't think she's any better nor worse than any of them.

I imagine the club is about an adult engineering social situations around the lunch table and getting children to respond and react with some discussion after.
This sort of thing is normally discusses as a whole class in SEAL time but doesn't always 'hit the spot' with some individuals. I'm sure it wouldn't have been suggested unless they genuinely felt your dd would benefit.

If it was me I would try very hard to not be the kind of parent who believes that what they see and interpret of their child's behaviour is fact and that anything else is unfair

go in and talk to them about what social difficulties they think your child is having and how you can help at home, ask what the purpose of the group is.

no child is helped by parents sticking firmly to the belief that there's nothing wrong when professionals are advising intervention

But when I have been in, ive firstly been told it was a non issue and not worth discussing and the second time I was told it wasn't anything any different to what goes on in alk reception classes.
Which just adds to my confusion over this letter really.

Like, the other week she was playing with these boys and they threw sand in her eyes. I told the teacher this as I said dd gets upset by other children in class, just I don't go in complaining like the others do. The teacher asked dd why she didn't tell anyone and dd said she just went to the sink,washed her eyes and then stayed away from them. The teacher told her she was wrong. ( I was there with dd when this happened )

This all sounds a bit too "he said, she said" to me. So one mum told you x and then someone else said y and your dd said zyz and another girl did A and so the cycle goes...

Firstly, the fact your dd can make friends doesn't mean she doesn't have social difficulties - if she can't retain those friends due to being too bossy then there is a problem.

The slapping incident is IMO irelevant as you said the other girl was punished so there is no hint of violence being tolerated here, merely that your dd was perhaps told that if she hadn't muscled in then it wouldn't have happened, nothing wrong with saying that as long as the other child is also told that slapping someone is unacceptable.

I wouldn't expect the teacher to talk to me about my child's behavior while volunteering in class - you are there as a volunteer to help out in class, not as your child's parent to be consulted about their behavior. When I helped out in class I had very little involvement with my own ds because I wasn't there for him - I was there to help out the teacher/to listen to children read etc. If you want to discuss your child with the teacher then you should do so at the end of the day as other parents would do.

If the school feels some intervention is required then they obviously have reason to think so. So I would go in on Monday and arrange to have a talk to the teacher to ask how this has come about, but I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, go in as a parent willing to work with the school in order to achieve the best possible outcome foor your dd. and as someone else said further up the thread, don't concern yourself with what is/isn't being done wrt the other children - that really is none of your business.

I don't expect the teacher to talk to me while I'm helping out, What I meant was it was a chance, when I was saying goodbye that she could of asked to see me later or something.
I just feel disapointed and angry that I just got a letter home on the Friday, with no chance to speak to anyone, and when previously I'd been told there was no issue.

It sounds as if the incidents that have happened are petty and the teacher is not worried about them. However, it sounds as if the teacher does think your child will benefit from this group. Just because your child can make friends doesn't mean that she won't benefit.

Children can be in a nurture group for a range of reasons from poor social skills, lack of confidence to take part in classroom activities, finding it difficult to recognise and express emotions they are feeling and a range of other things (sorry I can't remember all the SEAL things).

But the point is that it is not only about being able to make friends. So when choosing children for this type of work alongside teachers, children who have good social skills in terms of friendship, but who are too shy and unconfident to participate in the classroom would be chosen.

If she was chosen because of how she is in the classroom, you may never have seen this issue. And tbh I think it is great that they are tackling issues when children are 5. At this age it is normally pretty easy to sort any small issues out, whereas when they are older it is very difficult.

If I was you I would try and not get defensive of your child, talk to the teacher to find out what the issue is and then see if your child enjoys and benefits from the group.

It may be that when you first spoke to the teacher, she genuinely felt that individually, these incidents were of no real consequence. However, as time goes on, and more incidents occur, she has felt that an early intervention is appropriate. two things occur to me, firstly, the TA should NOT have discussed whether your daughter had been observed with you. Secondly, who observed your DD? If it was not a member of school staff, you are required to sign a consent form which would have explained the school's reasons for requesting it. It may be, that the observation was carried out by the SENCO who then decided that your daughter would benefit from being included in a nurture group.

In our school, I run nurture groups for children with different problems, ranging from poor social skills, to low self-esteem, vulnerable children, etc. The groups are run to help children, not to punish them. If your child is finding it difficult to maintain good relationships with her peers, it may be that the group she attends focusses on fostering building and maintaining relationships and the idea behind the lunchtime segregation may be that if they are building relationships with the others in the group, it makes sense that they eat together, rather than in among the children with whom she is having problems.

Go in by all means, but I strongly suggest you go in with an attitude that is supportive of their attempts to help your DD, rather than one of anger with them.

I was with my DD and two of her friends this morning, all aged 14, all been together since Reception. Friend says "oh don't remind me what I was like in Reception!". They're all jolly good friends now. Everything will sort itself out in due course, with a few tears and upset along the way, but no lasting harm done!

I read it much like soupdragon from what the OP has said. See if the nurture group may be about teaching friendship/social skills?

nationalstrategies.standards.dcsf.gov.uk/node/87009

The link above takes you to a website that explains SEAL. Every nurture group I have heard of uses SEAL, so a very good chance the school will be using this. As you can see it is about much more than making and keeping friends.

I think I could have benefitted from it as a child as when I was young I didn't know how to stand up for myself. If another child said something horrible I would stand there not having a clue what to say or do - and I didn't tell the teacher either.

And i had lots of friends at primary school.