to be furious with dh even though its his birthday

[upacreekwithoutapaddle]

Today has quite frankly been terrible. I went to buy dh's birthday present (cost £40) and the card was declined. This was from our joint account. I paid using my personal account and then called dh.

He's been keeping me in the dark about the dire state of our finances for around 4 - 5 months . I've not been able to log onto our joint bank account for a few months because I forgot my passcode thing and I've been asking him for updates and he's been telling me everything is fine. Its clearly not fine. Thankfully we've paid the mortgage this month and all the other bills but I've not even got money available for food now. I think, with some ingenuity I can get us through on the freezer and store cupboard.

I transferred all the money I have (£250) from my personal account which we had saved for a training course for me into the joint account to shore us up a bit. And then I rang the bank. They won't increase our o/d limit which I guess is good because we can't get into a deeper hole.

But I've spent the best part of this afternoon crying my eyes out. How can he have kept telling me things were fine when I asked yet he's been worrying about the finances for 4 -5 months? He's come home from work and I've just shown him the cake ds and I had made him and told him I'm not in a fit state to talk to him because I'm so angry. So now I'm sat alone shitting myself about the state we're in in one room and he's in the other room doing I don't know what.

YANBU - you need to talk to him though. He shouldn't have kept it from you but in what way is it all his fault if you are in the red, I'm assuming you've both spent money? Take some time out, calm down and then sit down and make a plan.

YANBU. Frank discussion is necessary, birthday or no birthday. He's got no right to deceive you about the state of your finances, no matter his motivation for doing so. It's never a good idea to be in the dark about money to this extent.

So what is going on?

Why are your out-goings more than your income and any other payments? Is it life being more expensive than the money in? Or is he spending the money and getting you into debt on fast-living?

I think once your anger has subsided you need to sit down with the statements and make a really exciting spreadsheet on incomings and outgoings of money. Where you can make savings and where you cannot.

I honestly feel for you as I get upset about debt too. It's a horrible place to be in. There's help out there, take it.

Oh and return his gift and feed your family instead...

YANBU, sounds like a tricky situation, poor you guys. Men do seem to keep things to themselves sometimes, hoping the problem will go away. My DP does, especially if things are bad at work. Could you maybe go to him now, as a gesture (as it is his birthday) but tell him how angry you are and need to discuss it tomorow? Good luck.

"Men do seem to keep things to themselves sometimes, hoping the problem will go away."
This is not a partiularly male trait. Some men, perhaps. Along with some women.

As you were...

I have no idea why we're in this mess. I do need to sit down and go through the statements with a fine tooth comb. I'll go through there and get them and say we need to talk. I'm so upset.