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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For feeling sorry for myself?

17 replies

yummychoccycake · 10/06/2011 16:27

Hi,

A good friend of mine is going through an extremely traumatic time at the moment. She has expressed that she doesnt want to talk about it nor does she want anyone to go round her house. This, i totally respect her and understand.
I have offered my support, whether its having her children round to play to give her a break , ironing or to just be a shoulder to cry on, but as mentioned she doesnt want any.
The reason i feel upset is because we've been good friends for 20 years, our children are friends too and ive found out that she has invited one of her other friends round to her house, who she hasnt known that long and also shes let her children go round to her friends house.

I dont want to sound selfish or insensitive, but im kind of questioning the kind of friend she feels I am. Sad

So AIBU?
Thanks for listening

OP posts:
MrsBethel · 10/06/2011 16:29

Maybe your her second closest friend? Still a nice thing to be. :)

loopylou6 · 10/06/2011 16:30

Mmm I would feel upset to. Maybe its just she feels you have your hands full already? But why say she doesn't want visitors but then have her other friend round?

MissPenteuth · 10/06/2011 16:30

Maybe a teeny bit selfish, imo. Whatever's going on with her, it's not about you. You obviously want to help; if you consider yourself to be her friend and you genuinely care about her, be there if and when she needs you.

AgentZigzag · 10/06/2011 16:30

Maybe she doesn't want to burden you with too much?

Have you got other stuff you're dealing with at the min?

plantsitter · 10/06/2011 16:31

Easier to not talk about it to the other friend than to you I would imagine.

wrongdecade · 10/06/2011 16:31

She sounds really manipulative, making you feel compassion and understanding listening to you offer support and then stab you in the back/humillate you.

and the fact shesa having a hard time atm emotionally blackmails you into letting her off, I would have a quiet word, I'm angry for you Angry

sorry If i've misconstrued.

GeekCool · 10/06/2011 16:31

I think YABU for turning a traumatic time for a friend into a woe is me situation, yes.

MilkandWine · 10/06/2011 16:32

You aren't being unreasonable but I would try and look at it from a different angle. I have friends who I love to pieces but in certain situations they would not be the friend I would lean on. For example I have just broken up with my DP so I am not leaning on my totally loved up BF for support, because the fact that she is in such a good place in her life right now makes me feel worse. It doesn't mean she has done anything wrong though.

I would give her the space she needs whilst making it clear you are still there for her if needs be. I'm sure she will be in touch when she is ready. Don't mention anything to her, sounds as if she is going through enough.

I feel for you though, I'm also a 'OMG what have I done wrong' type friend and it does turn you into a bit of a nervous wreck at times.

wrongdecade · 10/06/2011 16:34

actually I wouldn't have a quiet word, I would keep my distance,

wrongdecade · 10/06/2011 16:35

How did you find out Op?

actually I can see MilkandWines point

MorticiaAddams · 10/06/2011 16:35

YABU, it's not about you but her. Perhaps she wanted some company and chose a not so close friend who she wouldn't feel obliged to talk to about her problems.

passivelyaggresive · 10/06/2011 16:35

Maybe you are too close to her and if you go to her house she will break down, wheras the other friend might just be some distraction from whatever is happening in her life just now, because she will have to put on a front which sometimes when shite is happening, is what you need. To have a bit of a sham of normality. Being so close to you, you will see straight through it of course and that leaves her vulnerable.

I understand how you feel, but you are been a teensy bit unreasonable feeling sorry for yourself - just be thankful you are not the one having to deal with trauma

passivelyaggresive · 10/06/2011 16:36

crossed posts there morticia

Original poster
yummychoccycake · 10/06/2011 16:49

Thanks guys for all your comments.
your right, its not about me, its about her coping with her awful situation the best way she can.
MILKANDWINE-i also have friends to turn to for different things, i never thought of it like that. Yes im am a total worrier. I just want her to know im here for her and not one of those who just wants to be nosy! Im sure she knows.
I think i will give her time and space, im sure she'll be in touch when shes ready.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 10/06/2011 16:50

"she has invited one of her other friends round to her house, who she hasnt known that long and also shes let her children go round to her friends house."

So she's trying to let the situation not affect her children, by still having playdates of some description. She hasn't known this friend long, so conversation is probably still at the fairly superficial level that she can cope with.

"im kind of questioning the kind of friend she feels I am."
She feels you're a close friend, in who's company her facade of 'coping' might crumble and she really can't handle that right now.

Give her time. (Oh, and YABalittleU>)

barbie007 · 10/06/2011 17:05

I would be upset too
You've let her know you are there for her and that's all you can do.

statueofliberty · 10/06/2011 18:29

I would feel bit down about it too,not saying it's not unreasonable thou!!I think maybe this friend is more forceful than you. She perhaps felt she couldn't say no to her. Friend will know your there for her. You are a good friend

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