to think DP should not be judging me for allowing ds2 to stay in my bed at 4 am?

[allegrageller]

I just had a skype conversation with DP (he's abroad, we are in a long distance relationship at the moment) telling me it is 'wrong' that I let ds2 (aged 4) sleep in my bed.

I don't put him in it. He has his own bed but every night at 2-4 am he will come into mine and I have long since given up putting him back in his own because he cries piteously thus waking us all up and means I can't get back to sleep again when I need to be functioning at 6am.

Plus DP isn't even bloody there 75% of the time so there is loads of room for ds2 in the bed and it doesn't bother me.

The last time DP was here he totally blew up over it. Ds2 got in the bed with us and of course does the 'starfish' thing, kicks, snores in our ears etc. DP moved beds into his to get some sleep. DP didnt' even need to get up with them but woke in a rage moaning that he had only had 1 hour's sleep etc etc. We had a massive row about that.

Then in the skype conversation he goes on about how it is a 'sign of insecurity' that ds2 gets in my bed and I should take him back to his own bed every night and 'sing to him' etc until he goes to sleep in it.

OK fair enough in a perfect world. But I have a full time job, chronic depression and medication which makes me tired (for bipolar type II). Also a bloody exhausting long distance relationship with a fussy demanding sod doesnt' help.

And sorry why does ds2 waking up and getting in my bed translate to 'insecurity'? And anyway why shouldn't he seek some comfort? I have been separated from his father since he was 18 months old and I have only 50% custody so I miss him and his brother half the week. Why shouldn't he come and sleep in my bed now and then?

It seems stupid but I cried for an hour today over this criticism. It makes me feel that if DP can't understand that having a man who has never had a child lecture me on how to look after my kid is infuriating and patronising on top of all our other troubles, we will never see eye to eye or be able to live together permanently.

Sorry for the rant. And I would be genuinely interested to hear if anyone thinks it is really him and not me who is being unreasonable as sometimes in our relationship I start to wonder if I am really as bad as he makes me feel.

Sorry Op no it's not looking good at all. Look to you dc's they need their mummy to feel confident in her parent choices not one put down by a twat, frankly.
I've never heard anything so sill that they child who's still a baby really at 4 shouldn't be snuggle up to his mum at night.
I remember stbex had a problem with this when ds1 wanted to share my bed. It has turned out that stbex is a controlling bully. I would take a good long look at your relationship before he cause you any more angst.

christ my typos are awful atm, sorry

thanks bigbuttons.

DP is very jekyll and hyde. Sometimes incredibly helpful and supportive. Sometimes a critical wanker.

There is def a good side to him- in the sense that he has really taken on board a lot of what I've said i.e. either fit in with my life as it is or leave if it doesnt' suit you. He really has tried to go from a hippy/student lifestyle to being a proper 'stepdad' when he's here (with varying results as you can see).

and then he goes and says something like what he did today and I just want to tell him not to expect any more sex then in the evenings in our child-free bed, cos I won't be awake for it.

God I do sound bitter. Think I need to see the therapist again...!!

also he did claim to understand that no matter what, my dcs came before him (something I dont' think he got when we first met, at all....) argh now he is texting asking if my day was OK. I just can't face another skype/text row....

bigbuttons have I seen you on the emotional abuse thread? (I was lurking there).

you can probably tell from the fact I was on that board that I feel things aren't right in this relationship, with all the stress his criticism causes me, although I feel too strongly bonded to DP to end it. Though it has only been 1 year and some of my female friends (who don't like him) are saying it might still be just lust. I just don't know what to do.

allegrageller - I am with you 100%. My DS did the exact thing at that age and any given excuse he'll sneak in.

I told him that it's OK on the weekends when we don't have to get up for school etc, but not in the week, and that I will walk him back if I have to, but I need my sleep, and he needs his. Weekends are fine though.

I understand why you give in though, but that is why he kicks off, you only have to do it a few times - and I would insist on you doing it when DP isn't there so as not to associate with him, but to make it a separate issue.

Now for your DP. WTF does he think he is doing laying down the law with you about your DC? over SKYPE FFS! Who does he think he is telling YOU that you are lax when HE does jack shit when it comes to sharing the duties?

He's not their dad, he is doing NOTHING to help, and he's not even there most of the time!

If he were prepared to actually roll up his bloody sleeves and HELP you (FGS) rather than just chuck shit in from the sidelines it'd be different. As it is, he doesn't get to call the shots in your home.

He, for an example, is an ARSE.

allegrageller yes I am on the emotional abuse thread. I think there are quite a few lurkers. I hope they find the strength to come and join in one day. It's a wonderful support. We are no experts only that we are dealing with abusive partners and try and be a support when a rant is needed. Sometimes just having a rant helps to clarify things you know?
I couldn't say whether your dp is abusive, he does seem a tad controlling. and I think you know all's not quite right as you say.
The thing I would ask yourself is does he make me feel good, do I feel validated and supported? A man that makes you feel so sad that you cry is not a good man no matter how 'nice' he can and they can all be so nice when it suits them

I let my 18 month old 5 year into bed with us from time to time (not at the same time). Like you I'm on medication for a bad back and I need my sleep. Drives my DH crazy but sometimes sleep is more important. The 18 month old is a pain as she wriggles around too much but my 5 year old has learn't to stay still. We often wake up to find her there and have no idea when she crept in.
However I'm a heavy sleeper and can sleep through almost anything but DH isn't so we do try to avoid letting them in too much otherwise he struggles to sleep.
IMO, when your DP isn't there its none of his business whether your son is in the bed or not.
However 4 in the bed plus the cat is a definite no-no and nobody gets any sleep!

This is only a year on? a LDR? Pah! not worth it love, far too much hassle! Put your boys first and elbow this loon.

I really don't like the sound of him at all!

oh, bigbuttons - Google Chrome is your friend.... spell checks on screen!

I think I have that hissy, it underlines typos, supposedly

sadly herhissy I think you are absolutely right.

I have to prioritise my boys and whatever makes me unhappy will make them unhappy too.

I think dp did try, and external stressors have made it worse for both of us, but my god, you're right, the hassle....

sillybillies LOL@ 4 in the bed plus cat :-D

luckily there's no cat, that would probably have driven DP into a full-on mediterranean style fit which he's very good at it....