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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to keep going with CSA??

17 replies

fatheadsgirl · 10/06/2011 11:21

My DD is going to be 6 this year and I've never asked her father for a penny. Instead I said that as long as he provided for her during his time with her (every other weekend) that would be enough.
A few months ago it became apparent that he wasn't doing his part. DD came home in clothes that were aged 18-24 months! She was filthy and complaining she was hungry. He, his wife and their other two children are always decked head to toe in new designer clothes. I told him I wasn't happy and that since he wasn't providing for her properly then he could pay maintenance and I would send DD to his with everything she needed. I said we could could work it out between ourselves or go through CSA. He LAUGHED at me down the phone and told me 'go through CSA, I know my rights and you'll be lucky if you get a fiver a week.'
After I contacted CSA they decided that he would have to £49 p/w as of the 15th March. He continued to ignore them so they contacted his work and have adjusted the amount to £39 p/w to accommodate for his other two kids (he has a DSS -6, and another DD - 9 Months) they still want it back dated to the 15th March.
Yesterday he texts and says that the money is unreasonable, Im obviously not taking proper care of my DD if I have to get money from him, that I'm just a money grabber. He tells me 'I have a mortgage, all other bills, 2 kids and another on the way (this was news to me), I have to get a bigger car and run it, so can you just help me out?' I said I felt for him but it was money we could use and he wasn't pulling his weight with my DD before so I'd rather stick at this arrangement. He said he was really struggling as it was and I told him that we weren't exactly loaded either and that he should budget better and make sacrifices like we all do. Eventually things just got nasty between us. He told me that I was just trying to mess with his family and he wouldn't let that happen so I reminded him that if he didn't pay CSA would take him to court...

So AIBU to expect that he should factor our DD into his financial situation? That my DD shouldn't have to miss out on things she's entitled to just because him and his wife keep reproducing?? Or should I just roll over and cancel the CSA??
In one breath he said he wanted to work something out between us and in the next he said he 'might help out every now and then' I worry if I say yes to him then I'll have to ask for money as and when and I'm too proud for that and he knows it. If he doesn't just offer it - I wont ask - Part of the reason that he's never paid anything till now. I really wish he'd just fu*k off!!

OP posts:

redrollers · 10/06/2011 11:35

Of course yanbu
tosser
I can't believe men who don't think they should contribute to their child's upkeep
Problem is, in his mind, he hasn't paid it before and you managed, so now why should he pay?

JaneFonda · 10/06/2011 11:43

YANBU - his child, his responsibility.

She isn't worth any less just because she's not his wife's daughter; don't let him get away with trying to guilt trip you or blackmail you into cancelling the CSA.

SingleFosterMum · 10/06/2011 11:46

Keep going with the CSA, you'd be a fool to stop now. Think of your daughter.
He has to pay by law.

Clytaemnestra · 10/06/2011 11:51

Money aside - he's not feeding her or cleaning her and is dressing her in clothes that are ridiculously small. That's neglect. I would have some serious chats with him, and if he's not prepared to look after her you need to think about the contact situation. What does your DD think?

Regardless of the contact, he should be paying for his child. He's not giving YOU money, he's giving HER money, and that's totally different - even if you put it in a bank account for her then it's hers by rights and you should fight for it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/06/2011 11:53

YANBU... but I'd stop discussing it and leave it to the CSA to pursue - through the courts if necessary. If he contributed nothing before, you're no worse off. And, when the CSA finally wins, you and your DD will be better off.

Thingumy · 10/06/2011 11:56

how the hell can a child of 6 fit into 18-24mth year old clothes?

Don't hold your breath on the csa,give it a shot but they are dire at getting anyone to court in my experience.

Original poster

fatheadsgirl · 10/06/2011 12:06

The top was showing her belly and her trousers were half way up her legs and cutting into her belly. He said they were just her 'messy clothes' cause they were doing the garden but the next time he had her he said he needed them back cause she didnt have much else at his - i told him I'd binned them.

The problem is that if I dont back down we just argue and its awful. A few weeks ago he bought another pony cause his wife is into them and last time he had her he was talking about buying another one. This week he says he struggling and cant afford £39 p/w but he's having ANOTHER child with his wife??!!!!!!

OP posts:

MaxSchreck · 10/06/2011 12:10

He's yanking your chain.

Don't discuss it with him, let the CSA sort it (or try to!)

He sounds like an utter scumbag.

Thingumy · 10/06/2011 12:12

I take it he is working?

Csa will go through his employers to gain the money if he refuses to co-operate.

He sounds a gem OP

Clytaemnestra · 10/06/2011 12:17

He's lying about not having the money. He just doesn't WANT to give your daughter any money, in the same way he doesn't want to give her food, clothes or anything else.

Let the CSA deal with him.

Clytaemnestra · 10/06/2011 12:19

In fact, you don't have to interact with him at all apart from basic courtesy at pick up and drop off. So don't worry about arguing with him, just tell him you won't discuss it anymore.

Original poster

fatheadsgirl · 10/06/2011 12:32

I've just told him that I won't discuss it any further and that Im just leaving it to CSA. He said 'Do you not even care about my family?'
He makes me so angry. SM has just advised that I just smile nicely and let him be an arse. I just don't understand men like this!! Why would you keep procreating if you dont want to pay for the child you've got????! She's always at the bottom of his priorities when it comes to providing anything she actually needs but buys ponies so that, in his words 'She'll love me more.' She thinks the sun shines out of his backside cause he's always giving her her own way and cause we dont always have alot of money we do things like painting and the park. A month ago she told me that if she doesn't like me anymore she can live with her Daddy and eat ice cream whenever she wants and no more peas! I just hope when she's older she understands who actually loved her and tried their best and who just tried to buy her!! Seriously, where do these men come from??!!

OP posts:

Clytaemnestra · 10/06/2011 12:36

" 'Do you not even care about my family?' "

Yes you do. You care about his DD greatly. But he doesn't mean her as family does he? And I'm sure she will realise as she grows up who was there for her and who wasn't.

LDNmummy · 10/06/2011 12:52

What a tosser!

Keep on with the CSA, you will get nothing otherwise and it isnt fair.

MoonGirl1981 · 10/06/2011 14:08

Keep going.

Don't feel guilty.

You should not feel bad for putting your daughter first, and that's all you're doing.

If they can affiord another baby then they're not hard up. Don't worry about it!

xxxx

Nullius · 10/06/2011 14:55

Fucking men.

I feel for you OP, I really do. Hes another one in a long line of arseholes we seem to have bred in this country.

Sorry to break it to you but the CSA are utterly useless. But dont give up. He had your DD before these new babies who he seems to think are more important, he should be having the conversation with himself that if he cant afford children, it should be the ones hes making with her that he cant afford, not ones hes already got.

My DC is 6 aswell, her useless father has contributed a whole 10 quid to her upbringing, and thats only after 4 years of fighting for it. I have just got out of hospital, after yet more surgery to try and fix the multitude of things that are wrong with me because of having his child. But Britain doesnt give a toss about that, because Britain is the land of fathers for justice where men can go around making children and never contributing to their upbringing whatsoever, because one in a million might not get all of his rights, boo hoo hoo.

This country needs to change, all these arsehole men need to be made to take care of their children, if it leaves them in poverty and misery so what, us mothers have to struggle on. If they dont like it they should all take this new male pill and use condoms, but they wont, because contraception is a womans job, the same as preganacy and birth and childrearing.

OP -take him for everything and make his life shit. He fucking deserves it. And I dont give a toss if people dont like what ive just said, ive paid a massive price for having a child with someone who cant even be arsed to send her a birthday card. Fucking men.

RalphGnu · 10/06/2011 15:37

Don't let him make you feel guilty and keep on with the CSA. It is his duty as a father to provide for his children, all of them. He cannot refuse to pay because the CSA will apply an attachment of earnings to his salary which he can do nothing about.

However, this can take time to happen. My DP found out last year he has a 16 year old son that he knew nothing about and the only reason he discovered this was when the CSA applied an attachment of earnings to his salary. Through talking to the CSA we learned the mother of his child put her claim in to them when he was 5; it took the CSA 11 years to 'find' my DP, even though he hasn't moved from the area and has always had the same NI number!

I'm so sorry your dd has such a tool for a dad, but she is lucky to have a loving mother and she WILL understand this when she is older. I am so bloody mad on your behalf.

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