to expect my dad to be a good grandparent

[cheesespread]

i havnt slept for 2 nights now worrying about this,i have had problems with my dad all of my life,he has a Jeckyl and Hyde personality nice one minute then in a foul mood the next,when i lived at home we constantly walked on eggshells,in the past he has been abusive towards me my mum and older brother

he has mellowed the past few years and when i found out i was pregnant i worried what he would be like with my child,my parents look after my son 2 days a week while i work my OH works full time so we have no one else to look after him

things have been fine till this week,my son is 14 months now and had 3 needles a few days ago,i went to my parents when i finished work and my son started crying he was basically having a paddy,my dad picked him up and sat him on his knee and cuddled him and he rubbed his leg,all i said was be careful dad where he had his needles its sore

he handed my son back to me and stomped away shouting,nasty grandad,arsehole grandad,wanker grandad,shithead grandad

he then sulked upstairs till we had our tea,he came down and sat in silence,when he did talk he said my son is spoilt,i asked him what his problem was and he didnt answer

now im worrying about how things are going to be as my son gets older,one of my brothers sons used to come for tea once a week and my dad had him crying everytime calling him a baby and was nasty to him,he was only 4 at the time and i used to go mental saying u cant act like that towards a 4 year old

my brother is my dads stepson and was like this with him while we were growing up,i just didnt think he would be like this with my kids,

i dont want to fall out with my parents but i cant have him going on like this,i dont no what to do,my OH said he gets one chance and ill have to pack in work if things arnt working out?

my OH gets more than the minimum wage so i dont think we d be entitled to help,the money i make would just cover the cost of childcare so i dont see the point in working when i might aswell look after my son myself instead of leaving him with strangers or his grandparents if its not working out

OP I think you should've had that conversation with your dad, not your mum tbh.

i honestly dont no how i would say it to him,whatever way i say it ill huff him,i think he thinks its normal the way he goes on and takes offense if anyone says different

But if his behaviour isn't challenged, he will continue to do it. And it puts your mum in the awkward position of trying to stop him.

true,i did pull him at the time and ask what his problem was and i just got the silent treatment,when you retaliate back to him you just get the usual "you ll all be happy when im dead " crap off him

I see what you're saying cheesespread but i'd still look into it, that cant hurt right? (Oh and dont use online calculators, they are usually wrong!)

yeh ill look into it,thankyou for the advice x

my problem is with this "might aswell give it all up" attitude. it's such a childish response. ok so your your free childcare isn't working out, dont cut off your nose to spite your face. you have options. no, they wont be prefect or free, but life doesn't come to us on a plate. if your son is important to you (and i have no doubt that he is) you will step up and make the right choices for him, and sometimes that means making other people uncomfortable, sometimes that will mean stepping outside that comfortable comvenient family unit and getting the right care for him. i just hate this idea that you would resign yourself to giving up your work rather than look into proper childcare and finding out what help you are entitled to just because it means a bit of effort and inconvenience.

and FWIW i had to have a full and frank discussion with my dad a couple of months back. it wasn't nice and it wasn't easy but for myself and my children i had to tell him straight that his behaviour towards me and infront of my DC needed to change. he was very upset but has realised how serious i was. things have improved greatly. he does need a few reminders now and again but her is responsive when that happens and he knows i am serious when i say i wont stick around for him to treat me badly. it isn't easy and no-one wants to have that conversation with their parent but for your son you should.

i have also worked for a £70 per month loss whilst being a single parent. you have to think long-term. pension, NI contributions, promotion, salary increase etc.

fair enough Booyhoo im sorry i thought u were just one of the people that came on these forums looking for an argument

i guess im a bit scared of having a 1 on 1 confrontation with my dad,i was scared of him when i was a kid im not really now i just dont like upsetting people and i think it would devastate my mum if i lended up not lettin her look after my son,i think its brave of you when you confronted your dad

my son comes 1st in my life now and i wouldnt let anyone hurt or upset him if i can help it,especially not his own family

when i was pregnant he had a massive blow up with me shouting at me that i was a fucking bastard coz he said i should move house on a thurs not a wed ? dont ask lol,he did this infront of my nieces and gran(his mum) i just sat there and shook my head at him instead if arguing back,i then told him i wouldnt be coming back to his house if i was going to be spoken to like that,he s been ok since

maybe the time has come for a chat with him