Strange friend/spiteful son

[gerbiltamer]

It feels good to get this off of my chest; basically I've known a friend since NCT antenatal days, basic background is that she's bipolar and there have been loads of strange incidents since our respective nearly 4yos DSs were born because basically she has no idea of 'boundaries'. Her DS is a whiner quite frankly, he's also incredibly spiteful to my DS, which was evidenced on holiday last year when he tried to push him into a swimming pool and down some concrete steps. I argued with her about him and she got upset.

I must confess that although I've tried to be supportive over the last few years I'm at the end of my tether as she tries to 'take over' aspects of my life I struggle with. My DH and family absolutely hate her.

The last straw was recently when she visited, her DS had been a pain all day whilst playing with DS and DH who was off work for the day. I was removing my DS's wet trousers near the open back door when her DS pushed him back and if I hadn't grabbed his arm in time my DS's head would have hit the concrete patio. She didn't really tell her DS off enough in my opinion given the severity of the situation; she never does.

Right, there's a playdate and her DS's party coming up. My DH told me to avoid both. I want to but do you think I should sit down and discuss his behaviour with her in a frank way? My DS's not perfect and may have special needs (currently going through the assessment) but I can't condone these attacks any longer

mum - yes, I feel your pain; the trouble is (and I'm being very judgemental here - please forgive me) that many women feel the need to hang onto friends/relationships way after their natural end. I guess this is the empathy thing coming through.

I put up with an awful friend for 20 years - in the end I didn't have the energy anymore and let it die a death. I wish I'd done it years ago. You may feel some loyalty towards her but if the friendship isn't bringing you any happiness let it go.

I'm bipolar and would hate to be saved. It's my problem no one else's if you don't want to be her friend then don't and if she use bipolar to keep you as a friend then that's not very fair on you.

I can completely understand that it can be sometimes hard when someone tells you they have a certain MH problem to assume that their bad characteristics are because of it. Also it shows you have a good moral character to try and excuse these things shes been doing because of her problem.

But I will tell you this, People who are Bipolar have personalities like everybody else. Some of us are lovely, some of us are odd and quirky and some of us are bloody bitches! Confront her like you would anyone else. Being Bipolar does not make you devoid of proper judgment. I wouldn't let this continue as you may become abit of a martyr! :o

You'd be hard pushed to find a friend where you liked every single part of them dittany.

The OP's not being two faced as far as I can see, if she said she'd been slagging her friend off to all and sundry that would be two faced (and I don't class posting on MN as doing that), but it sounds like the OP's been defending her friend to the people who know them both.

Most of the time the good in a friend outweighs the bad, which you just ignore/try and address, but when all you can see are the negative points, then that's probably when you need to rethink the friendship.

People who are Bipolar have personalities like everybody else. Some of us are lovely, some of us are odd and quirky and some of us are bloody bitches! Confront her like you would anyone else. Being Bipolar does not make you devoid of proper judgment. I wouldn't let this continue as you may become a bit of a martyr!

Excellent post Howling One of my closest friends has got quite severe bipolar and she's not remotely like your friend OP.

I am bipolar and recently all my friends who have known me for 30 years, en masse decided they didn't like me anymore. Not one of them has told me why. Although i think my bipolar wasn't the issue (i have had diagnosis since teens and they seemed alright with me up to now - and i haven't had an episode for 3 years) i would hate it if it was due to that.
If it was something in my personality i would have really appreciated someone telling me and giving me the opportunity to change it, rather than everyone ignoring me and just saying vaguely to a mutual friend 'i don't like her anymore'.
Anyway, my point is, in this situation i personally would appreciate the candour rather than a cowardly retreat.

Good luck

Thanks again everyone. Yes, I did try and defend her against others, but the trouble is that I think they were right and I was wrong.

I will have a word with her about her DS's behaviour though; I'm no coward and as many of you have said, she may appreciate candour. She may not of course, but that's life!

Wow Spuddy, are you ok?

That sounds particulary horrid.

well since you clearly loathe her and her child, there's no much point continuing this friendship. Am also about blaming a 3 year old for bad behaviour. and agree with sunshine and other posters that the bipolar is a red-herring - I know a few people with bipolar who are lovely principled human beings and parents.

I have to ask OP, what are you getting from this friendship?

I had a friend I adored, I loved her, we had the best of times, we also had the worst of times. Eventually it came down to the fact, whilst she was great fun, the best fun, she was also a self centred monster who cared for nobody but herself.

I chose to save myself in the end.

Are you sure it's bipolar? I had a friend who sounds similar but she had borderline personality disorder. She was a complete bloody nightmare and I had to end the friendship to save my own sanity.

I also have bipolar and am nothing at all like that. I've never heard of the things you are saying being attributes of bipolar.

Sorry to hear that spuddy same happened to me but the real friends are still here it's times like this you know who your real friends are

spuddy - that's awful and probably nothing to do with your bi-polar. I think sometimes a ring leader seeks to influence others against somebody, usually for no real reason, and others lack the energy or back bone to complain.

I really feel that these days there's this kind of expectation that everybody goes round saying isn't the world lovely today. Nobody wants friends with problems. I myself like sharing problems with friends, but I rarely find people who want to open up or support others in a genuine way. I think it's really sad.

Thanks all - i didn't mean to highjack just to say it's nicer to be told than be wondering what you did wrong.

As far as I know she's bipolar and I'm basing this on what she's said and nothing else. All I know is that when we went away on holiday last year (the first of two attempts and there's been none since) that she took away a case full of pills I can only surmise that they're anti-psychotic drugs? She could well have a BPD, again I don't know. I did try and help, honest, but as many posters correctly state, there isn't much a friend can do after a while as it tends to drag one's self down.

TBH my bipolar impacts very little on my friends - occasionally i am hyper and talk a lot (often about me - sorry all!) and sometimes i'm quiet and introspective. But all in all we are quite consistent unless in the midst of an episode or rapid cycling.
SO if she is this erratic then she is not managing her illness or is enjoying the moods (as is often the case - the highs really are a high)
Anyway bipolar or not, if you don't get on anymore and there are specific incidences which are unacceptable then you shouldn't feel obligated to her.
As i said above good luck and if you do speak to her maybe you should ask whether she is bipolar.
Let us (me) know how you get on. Best wishes.