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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel soooo sorry for my dh

50 replies

zazzabeans · 08/06/2011 21:55

to cut a long story short, dh grandma passed away last week , she had 2 chlidren (fil and his sister whom dont get on together) and 2 grandsons (dh and cousin)...copy of the will got sent out today and dh and fil got zilch whereas the daughter got all insurances/possesions adn £15000 and her son got £10000 !!!!
the will also stated that she didnt feel like she had a relationship with dh and fil and their relationship with her was bad etc
fil visited her most nights when not at work, and me and dh took the 3 dcs every weekend
dh wasnt expecting anything , all he wanted was a keepsake or something but got nothing
i feel relly sorry for him
rant over !!!!

OP posts:

browneyesblue · 08/06/2011 22:23

*his aunt

Original poster

zazzabeans · 08/06/2011 22:24

the grandma was fully compis mentis.... maybe she was swayed by the sister but i guess no one will ever find out...

OP posts:

Graciescotland · 08/06/2011 22:26

Where abouts are you? If your north of the border you can't disinherit your children (right of legitim)

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 08/06/2011 22:30

Was your dh's gran mentally competent when she made her will?

I can understand your dh's feelings, but is your FIL also not going to attend his mother's funeral?

If your FIL is attending, I am of the opinion that your dh should go to support his pa.

If they time their arrival to coincide with the coffin being carried into the church/crematorium, they can leave immediately after the service and should have no need to enter into any conversation with any other parties present if they don't wish to do so.

If they are both of the opinion that they do not wish to attend, courtesy dictates that they send a floral tribute to the funeral directors.

I would suggest that at a later date you, your dh, dcs, and your FIL hold your own private celebration of the lady's life; maybe read a poem or two, drink a toast to her, and send a few chinese lanterns up into the sky or plant a tree in her memory.

An alternative would be to jointly name a star after her or similar of course, you could always do a Steptoe, foot on the gas back to gran's house after the funeral, and quietly remove a keepsake or two

HushedTones · 08/06/2011 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

zazzabeans · 09/06/2011 08:34

fil is going to the funeral... dh is not . he has made his mind up and is of the opinion that she hated him after what she wrote, so why should he go ? she was a bit of a jekyl/hyde character in the past, she had previously given us money a few year ago and asked for it back the next week....
she never refered to my dcs as her great grandchildren, all cards from her were
to the dcs
merry xmas
from mrs xyz

she was mentally well and i think she was fully aware of what she was doing its just so sad..

OP posts:

BettySpaghettiOnAJetty · 09/06/2011 08:52

Dh's mother passed away in December. His sister went into the house the day after, took all their mothers jewellery. Dh has not even had a photograph of his mother. Nothing whatsoever. Very sad.

LindyHemming · 09/06/2011 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CinnabarRed · 09/06/2011 09:43

Unbearably awful that the sister won't even let your DH have a keepsake of some sort. If she's that fussed about the value then she could always select say 5 inexpensive items and let your DH pick one. What a cow.

I really hope your DH comes round in time to support your FIL at the funeral.

diddl · 09/06/2011 09:56

Betty-I don´t think it´s even legal to enter a house when someone has just died, is it?

Why didn´t your husband also go?

But wouldn´t she have wanted her daughter to have all of her jewellry?

BettySpaghettiOnAJetty · 09/06/2011 10:29

Dh's mother passed away in December. His sister went into the house the day after, took all their mothers jewellery. Dh has not even had a photograph of his mother. Nothing whatsoever. Very sad.

BettySpaghettiOnAJetty · 09/06/2011 10:35

Husband wasnt offered the opportunity to go to the house, she and her father were both there, we asked for a photograph but that request has been ignored. Long long story.

diddl · 09/06/2011 10:45

Well if the father was there, then guess he was OK with the daughter having all the jewellry?

I´m intending to leave all of mine to my daughter & not my son tbh.

CinnabarRed · 09/06/2011 11:20

But Diddl, I'm assuming you'll leave something else to your son so he has something to remember you by? My Mum is leaving me her jewellery but she's leaving my late father's antique cufflinks and her tea service (that we used to play with when we were kids).

buzzsore · 09/06/2011 11:28

I don't think he'll necessarily regret not attending the funeral. He can always visit the grave/somewhere special to his gran later if he feels he wants to.

valiumredhead · 09/06/2011 11:29

Family members can contest wills where they think they should've been provided for, there is a family law to protect people from being left nothing. Worth having a quick google, makes interesting reading.

Original poster

zazzabeans · 09/06/2011 13:16

thanks valiumreadhead will have a nosy at that... such an awful time for us

OP posts:

diddl · 09/06/2011 14:20

"But Diddl, I'm assuming you'll leave something else to your son so he has something to remember you by?"

Something else, yes, but not my jewellry.

That´s why I suppose I don´t see it as too big a deal that OPs SIl took the jewellry.

Graciescotland · 09/06/2011 15:25

Euphemia It is true. Provided there isn't a spouse any offspring or descendants wold be entitled to half of the movable estate which would cover things like cash in the bank. If your desperate to disinherit your kids you need to keep your money in immovable goods such as land or buildings.

CinnabarRed · 09/06/2011 15:39

I may have missed it, but in the OP zazza says that all her DH wanted was a keepsake - so not necessarily jewellery.

When my DP's nan died, her children invited all of the grandchildren to choose something from her house to remember her by, with absolutely no limitation on choice. In fact, most of them chose more than one thing, but none were valuable. My DP chose a tiny pink model bicycle that he played with as a boy, a china horse he'd bought her when on a school trip aged 7, and a photo of her and her late husband. It was all he wanted.

Spuddybean · 09/06/2011 15:45

Oh god this is awful. It is really hurtful when things like this happen.

I would also question what input the sister had into the writing of the will as posters above have said.

But if i were your DH i would not go to the funeral either. How can you pay respects to someone who has been so nasty and how could he look at the Aunt and cousin.

Personally I would not go to the funeral, I would tell everyone why i wasn't going and I would not regret it, ever.

Insomnia11 · 09/06/2011 16:44

This happened when I was about 21 with great aunt and uncle who passed away within months of each other. They had no children of their own. Mum (their great-niece) and I were joint executors of the will and the sole beneficiaries - my uncle (mum's brother) was left out altogether. But we gave him half the monies anyway, which really helped him out of a financial mess at the time too. polishes halo (It was my mum's decision in reality, not much to do with me!)

I am also (sole) executor of that same uncle's will. Hopefully won't be required to perform that duty for some time yet.

Original poster

zazzabeans · 09/06/2011 16:56

he said he isnt going nor will he regret it ... i have left it that
im assuming the sister took her to make the will as she knew all about it and its contents..
she will be sitting their sooo smug
i know its not about the money but it would have really came in handy

OP posts:

Brevity · 09/06/2011 22:31

Tbh, If I were him, I probably wouldn't go either.

Poor DH, tis horrible to have family let you down like this (and I don't mean about the money). You sound well balanced though, luckily.

diddl · 10/06/2011 07:50

I wouldn´t blame him for not going either-it´s up to him.

I wouldn´t go to "pay my respects" to someone for whom I relf not respect.

As for the will though, I assume FIL could equally have taken his mum to make it?

The sister is being blamed, but she´s not the one who made & signed the will.

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