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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to not have a christening?

61 replies

BabyCub · 08/06/2011 14:28

(My first thread, so please be gentle with me!)

I am pregnant with DC number one (due in August) and during banter with friends a few have said ?Oooh, I hope I get to be godparent?. Their response to ?we?re not going to have DC christened? was Shock ?but you must!?

Must I? I don?t believe in God. I don?t go to church. I am uncomfortable with organised religion. DH shares my views, and we didn?t get married in a church for those very reasons. I personally feel hypocritical taking vows in front of, or making promises to a God I don?t believe in.

DH & I are very much in agreement that we won?t be having a christening. We are looking into other options ? a secular / humanist naming ceremony, or a welcoming party of some sort. With ?mentors? rather than godparents. Something informal & relaxed, in our garden perhaps. We want our family & friends to be able to celebrate the arrival of our DC, and to feel involved, but without the religious stamp.

If DC feels the need to explore religion when they are older (and able to make their own, informed decision about it) then I have no problem with that. In fact, it is exactly what I did ? I wasn?t christened as a baby. My best friend whilst I was growing up went to church every Sunday with her parents, quite often I went with her. I explored Christianity for a fair few years, I was christened and confirmed. I eventually realised it wasn?t for me.

AIBU? Or did my friends & family react that way because it is ingrained in our society that christening your child is the ?done thing? (even if you are not a churchgoer).

OP posts:
ShushBaby · 08/06/2011 15:47

I go to church but DP does not, so we have not had DD (16mo) christened. It makes me feel intensely uncomfortable to see friends who never set foot in a church solemnly vowing to bring their baby up as a Christian. Not because I am religiously but because it is completely meaningless, and a lie! I've always wanted to ask why people do it.

Instead of godparents, we have asked a couple of friends to be 'guideparents' and they are already doing a lovely job. They were really touched to be asked, and though these are best friends who would be a big part of dd's life anyway, it definitely added something to ask them in a semi-formal way to look out for dd.

ShushBaby · 08/06/2011 15:48

religious, not religiously

thesurgeonsmate · 08/06/2011 15:53

YANBU

nickelbabe · 08/06/2011 15:55

YANBU.

you're doing the right thing - I get very disheartened when children are baptised even though the family never comes to church.

Flisspaps · 08/06/2011 15:59

I didn't want DD Christened. DH did. I had nothing to do with the arrangements other than asking my Mum to knit DD a cardigan to wear on the day, and turning up. I stood at the front and stayed silent on the day itself.

Rowgtfc72 · 08/06/2011 18:09

We didnt get dd christened. We looked into the naming ceremony but it didnt seem like our sort of thing. In the end we had a huge first birthday party where everyone had a chance to get together and chat and spend time with dd. We know everyone we invited would always look out for her so maybe you could say she has lots of "godparents " .

maighdlin · 08/06/2011 19:24

YANBU whats the point if you and DH don't believe in it?

Melly19MummyToBe · 08/06/2011 20:10

I have the same sort of problem, except with my DP. Our baby was due yesterday, so now I'm officially overdue [moan] and ever since I got pregnant I have been adamant that I DO NOT want her christened. DP was christened and can't understand why I feel this way. Neither of us are religious but he thinks she should be christened 'just because' Hmm If ILs feel the same way as DP I'm dreading telling them she's not being christened, he tends to do everything his mum tells him. He's such a bloody mummys boy. Gah! Sorry, didn't mean to hijack Blush

CheerfulYank · 08/06/2011 20:24

YANBU. DH and I actually are religious but haven't baptised DS yet. (He's almost 4) DH is Catholic and I'm Lutheran/Quaker/generally Christian and we haven't decided what to do with DS yet. He'll go to Lutheran daycamp this summer, which is basically just bible stories, crafts, and a snack. :)

If you don't believe in it, why would you? Congrats on your little one, by the way!

fluffles · 08/06/2011 20:29

as far as i'm aware only catholics and orthodox christians believe that infants MUST be christened. Catholics have confirmation to account for the whole 'making your own mind up' thing (not sure whether greek or russian orthodox have confirmation too).

i would not have my child christened as i will not be bringing my child up "as a christian". i find it very odd when non-practising people do church for christenings and weddings Confused

GrimmaTheNome · 08/06/2011 23:50

Is catholic confirmation synonymous (or synchronous) with first communion? I had got the impression this was often quite small children really too young to have meaningfully 'made up their own mind', much younger than the protestant (teenage confirmation or adult baptism). I'm inclined to think a rite involving a small but sentient child even more dubious than sprinkling an uncomprehending baby.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 08/06/2011 23:57

I was christened CofE but have not had my 3dd's christened. I dont go to church and would feel like a hypocrite having to sit through church services. If they want to be christened they can choose their religion and do it when they are older

TheBride · 09/06/2011 00:00

YANBU. If it doesn't mean anything to you, there's no point.

Of my friends, it's pretty much 50/50. The vast majority who have had a christening for their baby are at least infrequent church attenders, or consider themselves to be Christian (i.e. they'd write CofE on a census form under "religion" without a second thought)

Of those that haven't opted for christening, it's split between

  • not Christian
  • are Christian but don't believe in infant baptism- i.e. believe the child should make the decision to be baptised when they're older
blackeyedsusan · 09/06/2011 00:12

no. not at all unreasonable. a christening is a religous ceremony where you make promises to God.. if you don't believe what is the point? your friend is being too pushy. shame there isn't an alternative to Godparents though...

PicaK · 09/06/2011 05:59

I'm not religious so a christening was never on the cards and nobody ever commented.

I thought about a naming ceremony but decided it was a bit naff and self-indulgent.

That's about the worst decision we've ever made.

Went to friend's baby's naming ceremony recently - with proper celebrant, vows etc and was MOST MOVING thing I've ever been to. Expected to be sitting cringing iykwim, but was in bits at how lovely, meaningful and uplifting it was.

5DollarShake · 09/06/2011 06:18

I would loved to have not had the DC Christened, but it was important to DH. If it was up to me they most certainly wouldn't be. Was probably the biggest fight of our relationship.

YANBU.

fluffles · 09/06/2011 08:20

Grimma - No, first communion and confirmation are different. Confirmation is about between age 11 and age 14ish.. first communion is about age 7ish.

i think confirmation is 'supposed' to be around 14/15 but many primary schools cover it at the end of primary school because there's not a lot of time for it in the secondary curriculum. it's doubtful about whether most 11yr old have 'made their own mind up' but more so than infants or first communion age kids.

GrimmaTheNome · 09/06/2011 11:42

Thanks fluffles - I'd assumed that confirmation would have to precede being a communicant. I grew up in a nonconformist church (URC) where the equivalent of confirmation ('being received into membership') with classes etc came before taking communion - at about 15/16.

ticklebug74 · 09/06/2011 12:09

I have never understood why people, who have no intention of taking the DC to church and practising the religion, go ahead and christen their DC. I have had similar comments and several heated debates over our choice NOT to christen.

My MIL who has never gone to church was mortified and even cried believing her DGs are not children of God. WTF!

I just don't see the point unless you are going to follow through with church, bible studies etc, and it is VERY hypocritical to do it just because it is the done thing and I think that is a very poor example to set for your DC. All my friends DC have been christened and not one of them attends church (not even on a semi-regular basis) and I know my friends look oddly at my point of view but don't really care.

My DC are my responsibility and I don't want to impose any sort of religion on them until they can make up their own mind!

Anyway, sorry for the waffle, the point is your DC are your responsibility and you have to make the right choices for them, and I think it is far more important to show them love, respect and teach them right from wrong etc etc, and you certainly do not need religion to do this.

Don't be bullied into something that does not feel right for you and your family.

Scholes34 · 09/06/2011 12:21

YANBU. I think it's fair for you to make your own decision about your own children. However, with regard to comments along the lines of "my children can make their own informed decision", I feel my three DCs are in a position to be able to make their own minds up with regards to christianity. I married in a church, all three DCs have been christened and have taken their first communion. We don't go regularly to church, but the DCs have been often enough to understand what goes on in the service and the kind of atmosphere to expect in a church. Therefore, their decision on whether to take their faith further or not is well-informed and it's not like they've been tainted in any way by being baptised or taking their first communion.

LadyWithNoManors · 09/06/2011 12:23

None of my 3 DC's have been christened.
It would be hypocrytical to. We don't go to church.

irregularegular · 09/06/2011 12:24

We didn't have a christening- I didn't consider it for a moment, and everyone we know would have been shocked if we did. We didn't get married in a church either. Very few people I know have had their children christened. As an adult, I think I've only been to two christenings and one 'naming day.'

I wasn't christened myself either - which did bother my grandmother apparently. She thought I would go to purgatory.

PuppyMonkey · 09/06/2011 12:25

Did you know some register offices do baby naming ceremonies now? No need to mention religion and you can just nominate people to be mentors for your child and have a big party afterwards. you get a little official certiciate type thing and stuff. All seems quite a nice idea.

hogsback · 09/06/2011 12:28

I sometimes think I live in some kind of parallel universe Hmm I don't know anyone who has had their children christened and I don't know anyone who thinks it's a big deal that we didn't have DS christened - I think it would have caused more of a stir if we had had him christened.

Honestly, who are all these people who are so religious, because I never meet any of them!

Reading MN you would think that we live in an incredibly religious country but my impression has always been that the UK is one of the most agnostic countries in the world.

Scholes34 · 09/06/2011 13:35

hogsback - could it be a big city v smaller city/town thing? I know lots of people in my small town who go to church, but none of my close circle of friends go to my church - they go to different ones. All the toddler groups are run by church groups too.